The Time I Went to a Gay Bar - (A TMI Thursday) | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Time I Went to a Gay Bar - (A TMI Thursday)


I used to be a homophobe.

I admit it.

I had nothing against gay people (that's what he said), but coming from New Hampshire you were more likely to see people banging Shetland Ponies than you would seeing two gay people holding hands.

We're progressive like that.

Notsomuch.

I'm going to ask my gay readers to be patient as I explain this because way back in the late 80's we thought all gay people wanted to do was anal rape you or stick things in your bum which, re-reading that now, simply sounds like a quiet night out with Paris Hilton.

So, sometime around 1990 I happened to be in Boston with my wife (then my girlfriend) and my buddy, Eric.

Wife: "My dad said that there's a gay bar around here."

*blink

Me: "Aaaaand how does your dad know this?"

Wife: "He works around the corner."

Me: "Ha. I bet he's totally gay."

This started an argument where we debated the homosexuality of my wife's father for, like, 5 minutes in the middle of a Boston street.

Good times. Good times.

But THEN started a debate on whether or not WE should find said gay bar and go into it.


So I was all, like, 'fuck that shit' because even though I think I was a little drunk the idea of being forced to suck a dick at knifepoint really didn't appeal to me.

I was young.

I had no idea that you had to consent first.

But Eric was all gung-ho for this for some reason, but now that I think about it we were all standing there and Eric was in a leather jacket with studs and leather boots and a bandanna and really looked like he'd probably fit right the Hell in as a militant homosexual.


I don't know if he was trying to pull of the Harley look then, but he completely came off as one of the Village People.

Then my wife spotted it.


So the next thing I know we're standing in front of this place that DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A SIGN but you can hear, like, techno-shit music coming from behind the walls and I'm totally guessing that this is either a hidden gay hangout or may quite possibly be the dungeon in "Silence of the Lambs."


Then the next thing I know I'm the ONLY ONE LEFT STANDING OUTSIDE because my wife and Eric have BOTH gone in and by the time I decide that taking one in the ass is probably better than getting killed on the streets of Boston the two of those assholes are ALREADY BUYING TICKETS FOR THEMSELVES.


(some of my details may be hazy - I think they drug you at the door)

So then FOOM! Eric and my wife disappear inside and leave me standing there in the entrance.

So I buy my ticket.

Yay.


So with ticket in hand and a fancy yellow wristband that says, 'Bobby's' I peek inside the door to the dance/bar area.


This. Is. The best.

Kill me.

So I end up seeing my wife and Eric at the bar, already drinking.

Me: "I want to go."

Wife: "Why? This will be fun."

Me: "This is not fun. These people want my bum."

Eric:
"I will give you five dollars if you go to the men's room."

Me:
"Dude. I seriously may end up killing you tonight."

Eric: "FINE. One beer. We'll stay for one beer."

So the deal was one beer.

So I order my one beer...

..and turn towards the dance floor.

That's when I see him.

The dancing guy.

In the torn zebra tank top and - for some reason - denim cutoff shorts.

..and he sees me seeing him.

God. NO.








Eric and my wife may dispute the penis thing but I swear to God I think I saw member.

* blink

It's was on or around this point that I looked at Eric.

Eric looked at me.

Game. ON.


Then we fled.

Subway to Boston: $1.75

Dinner in the North End:
$70

Tickets to a gay bar: $5

Experiencing homophobia at such a high level that you swear your sphincter has tightened up to the point where it's beginning to create it's own gravitational pull:
Priceless.

But that was then. This is now.

I know I was probably overreacting a bit.

Just a bit.

But, excuse me if you don't mind.

This Shetland Pony isn't going to screw itself.

Moog out.

54 comments:

Laborpayne said...

OMG, I couldn't stop laughing. You are a very funny writer (and artist?)

Jana said...

That was hilarious…homophobia at its best

Brutalism said...

The only thing that could possibly make this a better story is if the zebra shirt guy was Ted Haggard. It was, wasn't it?

Oh...and Mrs. Moooooog is stacked. (Just saying...I'm not gay.) Not that there's anything wrong with that.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

So... are you still a homophobe? I most certainly hope not, cause I actually read the entire thing and was sad at the end.

Did you get a new toy that draws? That is cool.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAAAA !!!! LOFL!!!!!!This whole post was priceless!!!!

Ziva said...

I bet you wouldn't have been as freaked out had it been a lesbian bar. Although, lesbians can be real scary too...

Sarah said...

Dude. You totally seem like a cock tease. Now, you've admitted it.

AtYourCervix said...

You should have taken the compliment that zebra shirt was throwing your way.

Dude.....just GO with it next time.

I *am* assuming there will be a next time?

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

Easy on the Shetland Pony there cowboy...I hear Shetlands really do prefer to go shopping at Pottery Barn and having fruity cocktails than getting drilled by blogging homophobes with painful memories...

Don said...

Oh goodie. Now I can share my gay bashing stories with somebody that won't go all p.c. on my ass. I feel vindicated!!!
What's wrong with Shetland ponies? Sheep are more plentiful though.

LiLu said...

This is obviously a lie.

Gays aren't allowed in Boston.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm practically in tears here from laughing so hard! You are sooooo funny!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i only hope that one day i will be as proficient in MS paintbrush

Stephanie said...

I am totally impressed that you were able to get those awesome photographs!
Admit it, you were totally rocking out all Night At The Roxbury style to the music!

Me-Me King said...

OMG, don't you know there are gay people in Hell?

shine said...

Please build me a time machine, so I can go back in time and be there for this whole night. Awesome.

Bombshell BLISS said...

Everyday I pray that you will find favor with your employer cause goodness knows that should you have to get a real job, the rest of us will be much less entertained.

Moooooog35 said...

Laborpayne: Thank you. And you are a good..um..commenter?

(only had one cup of coffee)

Jana: It's what I do.

Brutalism: He may have been. I have no idea. This entire episode took, like, 3 minutes.

Wannabe: No. I'm not a homophobe at all.

I've moved on to anti-semitism. MUCH larger market.

Just kidding.

Mrsblogalot: Tell your friends!

Ziva: I'm pretty sure there were some in there but I was busy squeezing my eyes shut really really hard.

Sarah: ..the Hell..?

Cervix: Yes. Because giving in to my inner gay man is exactly what I wanted to do in front of my wife.

I mean. Um.

*whistling

Gruntilda: TOO LATE!

Don: But why have a sheep when you can have a pony?

Why are we even discussing this?

Lilu: But..you came here, right?

Like we don't know.

Eva: You flatter me.

Keep going!

Speaking: Will never happen. It takes years of practice while actually pretending to work.

Stephanie: I admit NOTHING!

Except for what I just did.

Me-Me: WHAT?!?!?!

Shine: I'll get right on it as soon as I can find weapons-grade uranium.

Bombshell: I know, right? Maybe I should start a petition.

ClevelandPoet said...

homophobia high five!

Tubist said...

Our one and only foray to the gay bar was fairly similar...our (married, ex-marine, piccolo playing) friend was the bouncer. His wife liked to go sit with him, and knew most of the patrons. They invited us. I think my wife refused to use the restroom (I know I didn't). However, after our first round of drinks, the owner bought our second round. When she brought them over, she said something to the effect "we want you to stick around-we like straight people too!" I liked the free drink as I recall!

Kris said...

Wow, your now wife/then girlfriend has (had?) a GREAT rack.

kate said...

The first time I went to a gay bar with a friend of mine, the cocktail waiters were wearing hotpants, body glitter and fairy wings. HA! Fairies in fairy wings. Whooooo!

Elly Lou said...

The soundtrack in my head for your zebra patterned love fest is "It Takes Two" by Rob Base. I'm so right, aren't I? You still play that song to get yourself in the mood, don't you?!?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IBRbzf3Fws&feature=fvw

LB said...

That's was your best work yet! Even the artwork was impeccable. You may have some new fans joining as I just sent this to all my coworkers!

Alyxmyself said...

I am from Florida. And for a minute there I thougth your post said "being from New Hampshire.." lalallaa.

Okay let me tell you, that New Hampshire is the gayest place on the planet. The Gayest.

Granted, its mostly womyn, but I can assure you that being from Florida, New Hampshire is pouring the gays south like nobody's business. When you go to a gay dance here it is like old home week with the New Hampshire gays, okay? They go to Ptown to play, they go to Fire Island, but they originated in the live free or die state. Ahahahahahahahahaaha.
I dunno, it struck me funny :)

Also I LOVED your illustrations, they are adorable.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Yeah, gay women are always taking their boob out and waggling it at me on the dancefloor. Or wait...that's me. Stupid mirrored walls.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Well now I just HAVE to go to a lezy bar!
Been to tons of mostly male gay bars (can't help it, living in San Francisco) and dammit I NEVER saw a member.
Well there was that one time at the folsom street fair: http://www.folsomstreetfair.com/photos/folsom-2009/

carissa said...

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. Brav-o. Those cartoons are priceless.

You would have felt extremely uncomfortable in my house.

MsDarkstar said...

Though I am not gay, I've spent way more time in gay bars than in straight bars. Such was the company I kept back in the days when I actually left my house and had friends (before the whole Internetz thing happened...oh Sweet Jesus, I'm a geezer).

My big fear back in those days was that someone was going to find out I was straight and I'd get lynched. Lucky for me that my group of friends were a grabby/touchy/kissy bunch and I never had anyone outside of our group get close enough to realize I wasn't REALLY gay myself. Bullet dodged.

Chelle said...

Once I went to dinner at a friend's house who happened to live directly across from a gay bar. So anyway, it was time to take a cab home and the cab driver picks me up. He's all, "Oh. You're LESBIAN" and I'm like, "nope". But you were at the gay bar. So then I was like, "I was across the street" and then he gave me that knowing wink like we had a secret. But we didn't have a secret. No secret, Moog. I bet he still thinks about me and that night and how he thought I was trying to secretly tell him I was gay... or how he failed at outing me in a way. I say in a way because he still thought I was agreeing about being gay.

Mainly I ignored him and went home to the idiot I was then married to and thought about how much better my life would be if I'd pretended I was really leaving a gay bar that day.

The End.

Moooooog35 said...

Kris: And look at the size of my arms!

Kate: The FIRST time?

Elly: You read me like an open book.

Please, now. Close the book.

LB: YAY!! Spread the word!

I like pretending my blog is herpes.

Alyx: Um.

Did you just call me gay?

I'm not sure.

Steam Me: You'd figure that the chick dancing Saturday Night Fever style would give it away.

Mad Woman: Wait..they have lez-only bars?

I'm so out of the loop.

Carissa: Thank you...and..um..your house was a gay bar/dance hall?

So confused.

Darkstar: So..your fear was that you'd be killed by a mob of homosexuals?

I don't feel so bad now.

Chelle: Suuuuuure you were at a friend's house.

Suuuure you were.

JenJen said...

laughing so hard...your best post yet!!
I'm totally diggin the graphics moogsy.

Heff said...

DAMN funny post !

This coming from a REGISTERED Homophobe. (That's what he said)

Elliott said...

Many years ago, I went to visit friends in Dallas, and while I was promised strip club and lots of boobies, these two girls took me to a row of gay clubs instead.

I was almost offended that nobody even asked me to dance.

Maxie said...

this post makes me want to surprise shove something up your ass.

MsDarkstar said...

Killed or... ya know... made FABULOUS... *grin

lbluca77 said...

You should have taken the $5. I bet that was a lot of money back in the olden days.

Tracie said...

My BFF and I used to frequent a gay bar called The Back Door. I am not kidding. They played gay porn on the tvs, there was always a man (or two) to dance with, and the drinks were strong and cheap. What's not to love?

Don't answer that.

Jen said...

We used to go dancing at the gay bars because they wouldn't card us, and we were underage. There was this bar called the Gay 90's, it was in the 80s, the bathrooms were unisex even though they were clearly marked and incredibly confusing to straight people. I'd never seen so much live sex in my life. I'd explain that but it just doesn't come out right no matter what I say.

I thought Eric was a pirate. Has he come out of the closet yet?

Coffeypot said...

I know how you feel. I was in San Francisco once and dropped my wallet. I kicked it all the way to San Diego before I would bend over to pick it up.

And The mad woman...since I am a Lesbian trapped in a man's body, I will go with you to the lizz bar.

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHA. I have been to plenty of Gay and Drag bars, that guy messing with you

Nicky said...

Man,you called your wife's father gay and she still married you? Impressive.

Moooooog35 said...

JenJen: My best post yet?

So. Ashamed.

Heff: You can register?!?!

Are you sure you're not getting confused with 'sexual predator?'

Elliott: When you get turned down at a gay bar at last call, you know you have issues.

Sorry.

Maxie: YOU MUST GET THROUGH THIS CHASTITY BELT FIRST!!

MsDarkstar: I don't think that's the saying.

Lbluca: Yes! It would have purchased many a motorized carriage back in yonder days.

Tracie: At least they had a sign.

Jen: Eric is not a pirate and is a manly man who is married and owns, like, 6 Harleys and would totally kill me if I outed him here.

Coffey: You'd figure the buttplug damming up the works would hinder them.

Malach: You reveal a little more about yourself every day.

Please stop.

Nicky: She's a glutton for punishment.

This Lesbian's Life said...

Being a homo, myself, I found this to be hilarious. You always know how to tell a great story.

Rule of thumb: If you see lesbians in said gay bar, it is safe for you (le straight dude) to go in...because Jeebus knows us lesbians won't be going near any penis.

Juliana, aka Kernut said...

LMSAO! (laughing my straight a$$ off)

Very funny post! Reminds me of a time we got lost in San Francisco. That's when I learned gay bars do not have signs. And clothing is optional. I bet you did see a penis, or three. I saw chap-clad men. Chaps have no crotch or butt coverage.

MommaKiss said...

Swear to god this was one of the funniest posts ever. Although I can't believe you censored the penis. Jeez. Give the non-gays something to see will ya?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

If you think being forced to suck a dick at knifepoint is bad, try being forced to suck a knife at dickpoint. My tongue and left eye are still sore.

CatLadyLarew said...

Too hilarious, Moooooog! I remember once when I had gone to D.C. with a couple of guys I worked with and they dragged me to a bar that turned out to feature Drag Queens... I loved it and they were mortified! Ha!

(Love Mikes' comment!)

Linda Medrano said...

You are beyond hysterical! Love this!

Secretia said...

That was all so realistic!
Great cartoons too.

Secretia

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Hilarious post. My gay friend hated taking me with him to gay bars. He said I was the only girl who could go into gay bars and get asked out by guys and when we went to straight bars I would get hit on by women. He hated it that I got all the attention. LMAO

Tricia said...

The first time I dragged my brother to a gay bar, we were on the dance floor and I noticed he was all up on me. I asked him WTF his problem was, and his response was "I don't want them to think I'm GAY"...

I pointed out that it would be better to be construed as gay than seen humping his sister's leg in public. :)

Suniverse said...

Oh, fantastic. The visual aids really helped out.

Of course, I LOVED going to gay bars, back when I used to be fun. Best dance music AND you could get hair and makeup tips in the bathroom. Also, I'm told, other things.

This post is quite prescient, too, in that I just told my 14 year old daughter that when the time comes for her to start going out to clubs, go to gay bars. WAY easier men to deal with.

meleah rebeccah said...

Some of the best times of my life have been inside gay bars. Probably because I'm a girl - and I didn't have to worry about getting hit on.

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