How One Man's Facial Hair Changed History

So I'm at work the other day testing software as I do for approximately 1 hour per 40-hour work week (I keep this hectic pace up only every other week so as not to exhaust myself).

I'm customizing my web pages that customers will see when they have their INTERNET ACCESS DENIED, MOTHERFUCKER when I realize that I'll probably get fired because I configured it so that what pops up on my "Access Denied" page is this:

(click to enlarge all images in a separate window)



Then I start thinking, "Man..that guy looks kind of badass" but it's ALL BECAUSE OF HIS MOUSTACHE which is now basically a style that NO ONE can wear anymore so thanks a LOT, Hitler, for completely ruining a look for the rest of us.

And now I'm wondering if all his millions of soldiers and psychopath followers and neo-Nazi jackass skinheads would even bother listening to this prick if he had just..

..picked..

..a different..

..facial hair style.

???

LET'S GO TO THE TAPE!!

The Original



No doubt here that the original Hitler moustache is pretty no-nonsense and just says to the world, "You know what, world? Fuck you. I'm not even going to grow the ends of this thing. I'm just going to cover my philtrum with a little bit of hair and even though my hair is parted to the side I still look pretty gangsta."

The Handlebar



Being an evil mass-murdering dictator, NOT going with the handlebar look was a good decision on Hitler's part because if you have a handlebar moustache people pretty much assume that you're either a barber or circus ringmaster or you own a popcorn factory.

No one's taking a bullet for you if you have a handlebar moustache and all you can offer is Butter Lite Microwaveable kernels.

No one.

The Goatee



If Hitler had a goatee I'm more inclined to think people would follow him only if he could speed up their Internet access or maybe score them some free antivirus software or some shit.

Chin Pubes



A derivative of the goatee where nerds like myself who had goatees simply looked at the hardest part of the ensemble to manage (the moustache part) and just said, "Fuck this noise" and BAM shaved off the moustache leaving only the dangly beard part to grow and grow and honestly, dude, you look like shit.

If you have chin pubes the only people who are going to follow you into battle are the ones who think that "battle" here actually means "gay bar."

Jesus, dude. You look terrible.

Muttonchops



Muttonchops Hitler would actually be shunned from society, probably dying alone in an alley wearing only Crocs and smoking a blunt.

Unless you can back muttonchops up by singing for Motorhead or shooting three adamantium claws out of the knuckles of your hand the only thing that muttonchops tells the world is, "I've completely given up on trying to look remotely attractive."

The Jack Sparrow



I was on the fence with this one because the dangly beard ponytail things mixed with the soul patch AND the bandanna kind of scream "BRING IT ON, POLAND" but then you add the moustache on top of it and Hitler's look just immediately turns into a bad Halloween costume and you just want to reach out and rip those dangly things off his face.

Dear Hitler: You sir, are no Captain Jack.

The Hulk Hogan



Creepy.

Technically, Hulk Hogan Hitler is a derivative of the classic 'handlebar' Hitler look but once you drape that mother around the sides of your mouth and add the bandana and Ray Bans there is NO WAY IN HELL that the next time you step up to that podium and flex your little Hitler biceps that people aren't going to be throwing their lederhosen at you and tearing the shit out of the rest of the Eastern Bloc.

Conclusion

Sadly for world history, this guy chose one of the two possible facial hair styles that almost allowed him to dominate the world but was shitcanned by a couple of US Presidents (FDR and Truman) who each HAD NO FACIAL HAIR so maybe that's the most badass way to go in general.

Just like I have it now.

Fear me.