How One Man's Facial Hair Changed History | Mental Poo

Monday, September 13, 2010

How One Man's Facial Hair Changed History

So I'm at work the other day testing software as I do for approximately 1 hour per 40-hour work week (I keep this hectic pace up only every other week so as not to exhaust myself).

I'm customizing my web pages that customers will see when they have their INTERNET ACCESS DENIED, MOTHERFUCKER when I realize that I'll probably get fired because I configured it so that what pops up on my "Access Denied" page is this:

(click to enlarge all images in a separate window)

Then I start thinking, "Man..that guy looks kind of badass" but it's ALL BECAUSE OF HIS MOUSTACHE which is now basically a style that NO ONE can wear anymore so thanks a LOT, Hitler, for completely ruining a look for the rest of us.

And now I'm wondering if all his millions of soldiers and psychopath followers and neo-Nazi jackass skinheads would even bother listening to this prick if he had just..


..a different..

..facial hair style.



The Original

No doubt here that the original Hitler moustache is pretty no-nonsense and just says to the world, "You know what, world? Fuck you. I'm not even going to grow the ends of this thing. I'm just going to cover my philtrum with a little bit of hair and even though my hair is parted to the side I still look pretty gangsta."

The Handlebar

Being an evil mass-murdering dictator, NOT going with the handlebar look was a good decision on Hitler's part because if you have a handlebar moustache people pretty much assume that you're either a barber or circus ringmaster or you own a popcorn factory.

No one's taking a bullet for you if you have a handlebar moustache and all you can offer is Butter Lite Microwaveable kernels.

No one.

The Goatee

If Hitler had a goatee I'm more inclined to think people would follow him only if he could speed up their Internet access or maybe score them some free antivirus software or some shit.

Chin Pubes

A derivative of the goatee where nerds like myself who had goatees simply looked at the hardest part of the ensemble to manage (the moustache part) and just said, "Fuck this noise" and BAM shaved off the moustache leaving only the dangly beard part to grow and grow and honestly, dude, you look like shit.

If you have chin pubes the only people who are going to follow you into battle are the ones who think that "battle" here actually means "gay bar."

Jesus, dude. You look terrible.


Muttonchops Hitler would actually be shunned from society, probably dying alone in an alley wearing only Crocs and smoking a blunt.

Unless you can back muttonchops up by singing for Motorhead or shooting three adamantium claws out of the knuckles of your hand the only thing that muttonchops tells the world is, "I've completely given up on trying to look remotely attractive."

The Jack Sparrow

I was on the fence with this one because the dangly beard ponytail things mixed with the soul patch AND the bandanna kind of scream "BRING IT ON, POLAND" but then you add the moustache on top of it and Hitler's look just immediately turns into a bad Halloween costume and you just want to reach out and rip those dangly things off his face.

Dear Hitler: You sir, are no Captain Jack.

The Hulk Hogan


Technically, Hulk Hogan Hitler is a derivative of the classic 'handlebar' Hitler look but once you drape that mother around the sides of your mouth and add the bandana and Ray Bans there is NO WAY IN HELL that the next time you step up to that podium and flex your little Hitler biceps that people aren't going to be throwing their lederhosen at you and tearing the shit out of the rest of the Eastern Bloc.


Sadly for world history, this guy chose one of the two possible facial hair styles that almost allowed him to dominate the world but was shitcanned by a couple of US Presidents (FDR and Truman) who each HAD NO FACIAL HAIR so maybe that's the most badass way to go in general.

Just like I have it now.

Fear me.


Brutalism said...

I went to a preschool picnic yesterday (I hit all the hot events in town). And one little girl had eaten a chocolate cupcake which left behind a total chocolate Hitler mustache. Instead of telling her or wiping it off, I giggled at the mini-Hitler for about half an hour.

I need to get out more.

WILLIAM said...

I think as a follow up to this you need to show a Picture of Hulk Hogan with a Hitler Stash...just for a proper comparrison.

Oh and a picture of George "The Animal" Steel, Green tongue and all..just for shits and giggles.

A Vapid Blonde said...

WHAT? No flava' sava' Hmmm, you're probably right, it would just look gay on him.

SisterMerryHellish said...

I'm pretty sure this douche ruined Charlie Chaplin since no one could recognize him after shaving off his "Hitler-stache."

Dazee Dreamer said...

God, that was awesome. You have made my monday.

Pat said...

Okay, here's what I learned today:

a) What the word "philtrum" means;
b) That you are good with Photoshop; and
c) you are still nucking futs - funny, but nucking futs!

MrsBlogAlot said...

OMG! Only you.

Fear you is right! (-:

Unknown said...

OMG!! The Hulk Hogan - freaking brilliant!! All of them are, but that is the best one. Hands down.

meleah rebeccah said...

Chin Pubes are definitely my LEAST favorite facial hairstyle.

Elly Lou said...

No lumberjack?

Miss Britt said...

I just watched Defiance last night, and two of the "scholarly" Jewish men had an entire conversation about the importance of facial hair in world leaders - and how Roosevelt had none.

pattypunker said...

hilarious! no porn stash?

and totally agree with your conclusion - no facial hair is the fiercest!

Anonymous said...

This is a really funny post. Your pictures and descriptions were so witty they made me look like an idiot laughing out loud to a phone.

Thanks for the great post. Cheers! :)

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: It's a Hitler kind of September!


Vapid: I knew I missed some.

Sister: Charlie who?

Dazee: Tell your friends!!

Pat: Thank you. You may be dismissed now.

Mrsblogalot: You don't look afraid. wtf.

Midwestern: hands down where?

Meleah: Figures.

no idea what I mean by that.

Elly: Not today. Maybe for the next installment.

Miss Britt: See? I'm nothing if not topical.

Pattypunker: I think the handlebar doubles as a porn stache.

At least the porn I watch.

Which is A LOT.

Moooooog35 said...

Sothos: Thank you. I love making people look like idiots.

It's how I roll.

Rico Swaff said...

Always funny man. :)

The crazy thing is how much the dude actually resembles Hulk Hogan when given the Hulk-stache.

Opto-Mom said...

Dude, you need some of the porn with the Jeff Foxworthy 'stache. Perhaps you should try the late 70's era porn. It's the 'stache that doesn't hang over the side of your mouth like hairy drapes, but the actual hair above the lip is so long that it partially or fully (if you're a total perv) covers the top lip.

Where did you get your handlebar moustache porn? I need to update my collection.

Opto-Mom said...

Dude, you need some of the porn with the Jeff Foxworthy 'stache. Perhaps you should try the late 70's era porn. It's the 'stache that doesn't hang over the side of your mouth like hairy drapes, but the actual hair above the lip is so long that it partially or fully (if you're a total perv) covers the top lip.

Where did you get your handlebar moustache porn? I need to update my collection.

rachaelgking said...

Hitler always looked like one of the Three Stooges to me. If only someone had banana-creamed him in the face.

Hahahaha GETTIT!??!!?

Unknown said...

You have way too much free time! lol

Sunny said...

I'm not in favor of the facial hair but the "Hitler" was so..Hitler!

I do like the "I can't grow hair on my head, so I have this goatee thing where I CAN grow hair." on bald guys. But I won't be kissing them or anything. Hubby's facial hair grows splotchy so the one time he tried to grow a goatee, it ended up looking like he had mange. It was a mutual decision for him to remove it.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

You sir, are a genius.

And if you wanna come over to my place to give me a photoshop tutorial, I'll let you know when the husband is out of the house. I can be very grateful.

*wink wink

Ian C - My Twist News said...

Wow, the goatee Hitler just needs a guitar and a "give peace a chance t-shirt".
Which Album cover did you get the original Hitler image from?
This was my favorite Hitler Album

Unknown said...

I think the hogan stash would have been better and perhaps allowed him to be a better leader but since he went with the weird under nose thing, he just sucks ass turds.

Unknown said...

Okay I totally have not read the entire post because I have to go poo and come back later- just want to comment before I go poo. Whoa, new hot word: "philtrum" - you rock!

Hills said...

Hokay, what's more terrifying -

a) trying to explain to anyone...and I mean ANYONE what the hell this post was about and what makes it awesome "You see, it's a p*ss take of Hitler and his facial hair, and there was this handlebar moustache option and...oh, you had to be there" *queu eye wipe and deep sigh* or

b) fancying the sh*t out of Hulk Hogan Hitler.

And I never fancied the actual Hulk Hogan so...weird.

Also allitteration makes me hot.

Nice work.

- B x

MommaKiss said...

One of the funniest posts I've EVER read. Thank Christ you choose no facial hair. The stache just reminds me of a child molester and besides, they tickle.

Moooooog35 said...

Rico: Hulk Hogan is now on his way to pay you a visit.

Opto: Jeff Foxworthy was in porn?

Well..I guess we know which 'neck' of his was red.

Lilu: GENIUS!!

Dr. Cynicism: How I'm still employed is a mystery.

Eva: Noooooooo kidding.

Sunny: When I try to grow a beard it's all blotchy, too.

Are you sure we're not going out?

Mad Woman: Oh SUUUURE. All flirty here but on Twitter you're a whole other shade of prude.


Chris: Fu MancHitler.


Ian: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

Peace? Really? Peace?

Heather: Ass turds? Isn't that redundant?

Wannabe: What is wrong with you?

Barreness: Alliteration makes EVERYONE hot.

True story.

Momma: need for unwanted razor burn, right?

Malach the Merciless said...

Why can't we just call it the Charlie Chaplin Moustache?

King of New York Hacks said...

Chris hit it on the head...Hulk Hitler...sounds like something Vince McMahon would make up.

Unknown said...

Slap me around and call me Susan, the Hulk Hogan Hitler actually looked pretty good. But it is Hitler so nothing is ever good. There Iam done pooing and read your entire post.

Insectman said...

We all know that Hitler just ripped it off Charlie Chaplin.

To see what I ripped off Chaplin, visit:

Ducky said...

I have a friend who has a cat that has a hitler stash....a pussy hilter stash.

I said pussy


no, I haven't been drinking

maybe I should

Did I miss something?

Diva's Thoughts said...

The Hulk Hogan is pretty badass.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I might be a little turned on by goatee Hitler. He looks like he could really be the boss of me, if you know what I'm sayin'. *wink*. (sex)

Also, I'm jealous of this post.

Didactic Pirate said...

This post gave me my doctor-recommended, daily dose of Awesome.

Mike said...

As a jew, I approve of this article.

Hippest Snippets said...

Let's not forget that he also ruined Charlie Chaplin costumes forever.

We love this blog! You are hilarious!

Unknown said...

The Hitler art is so wrong, and yet so awesomely right.... er, funny...

injaynesworld said...

You're a damn genius.

diamondcait said...

I have a friend who secretly replaced Hitler's mustache with a discover card in a photo, but I think Hitler Hogan tops Discovercard Hitler. Although? We wanted to name his son Discovercard Hitler but his wife vetoed it.

Anonymous said...

... so you all think Hitler's a bit of a joke, do you?

Michael Rector said...

awww man I was going to make a blog post about mustaches.. hitlers mainly, and you beat me to it... I'll wait a week now and say I never saw this post. hilarious, love your blog.

Ed said...

The Hitler-stache may be shunned for facial hair, but ultimately became the leading style of public hair.

I know there's an invasion joke there somewhere.

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