The Guest Post about Attention Deficit Dis..um..I Need to Make my Lunch | Mental Poo

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Guest Post about Attention Deficit Dis..um..I Need to Make my Lunch


Today I have a guest post (read: I'm SO LAZY) from Sister Merry Hellish over at "Inside Out and Backwards" which, honestly, sounds less like the title of a blog and more like something I'll make you do naked once you are sufficiently inebriated.

Or sober.

Depends on how kinky you like it.

ONWARD!!

******************

Living with ADD is like having something shiny dangling in your brain that you can't look away from. Not a disco ball or anything, although how awesome would that be?! A disco ball and a monkey in a white, Elvis jumpsuit spinnin' something that goes "oonce oonce oonce oonce" in the DJ booth! No, that can't be right because yesterday I woke up singing the theme from "I Dream of Jeanie" and that doesn't go "oonce oonce oonce oonce" at all and...

Ahem.

Where was I? Oh right.

Attention Deficit Disorder.


Ages ago, before I was aware I had ADD (and medicated, woo hoo!) I was pulled over for my inspection sticker and plates being out of date.

Then, 8 years later, I was pulled over again for the same damn thing, only this time there was a warrant out for my arrest because I hadn't stapled the first ticket to my forehead and "failed to appear in court." (insert 'air quotes' here for best effect)

So, courtesy of ADD, my need to get this shame out into the open and Moooooog35 being a lazy ass, I bring you some lessons and observations my from one-night stay in the county lockup!

Hey! *snap, snap* Pay attention!

1) Mentioning you’re worried about your three-year-old dog who’s home alone to the disenchanted cop taking your fingerprints will prompt the completely unconcerned response “We’ll have someone go by the house and check on your DAUGHTER.”

Really? If you’re wondering why your request to transfer to Social Services was denied after you totally nailed the interview it’s because upon hearing a 3-year-old is roaming around unattended and probably shotgunning a jug of bleach you should be horrified, have someone immediately go get her and charge me with child endangerment, you incredible jack-wagon!


2) Violating a restraining order to stay away from your soon-to-be ex-husband will get you arrested.

Screaming “It’s MY house! I’m not trespassing if it’s MY house! He’s in there with that whore! Let me go! I’ve got to get that whore out of my house!” like a banshee will get you your own cell and dropped to the bottom of the processing list.

3) Constipated? Per the group of prostitutes who had been eating cheese sandwiches and corn for over a week the cure is a hamburger from McDonald’s. No joke. It was at least a 30 minute conversation. They all agreed.


4) After bending over and coughing while standing in a semi-circle with nine other naked women during the strip search, the rest of us (horrified and suppressing the urge to laugh) watched the exchange between one of the guards and a short, round Hispanic woman who was still bent over holding the cheeks of her ass apart. Every time the guard yelled “I don’t need to see that! I need to see your VA-GI-NA!” the woman, who clearly didn’t understand English, would spread her cheeks farther apart and cough until the yelling started again. They finally brought in an interpreter before she split herself in half.

5) When told that the ladies with “an extra belly” needed to hold it up and I went to oblige, the guard looked at me and said “Oh, not you honey.” I have never been more flattered in my entire life.


6) Nothing adds insult to injury like having to wear a scratchy, bright orange prison uniform with “X-Large” printed in HUGE black letters across the ass. So much for flattery.

7) Losing your appetite and giving all your food to the old hooker with 2 teeth and 6 months left on her sentence will earn you the top bunk, a lesson on how to fold your mattress so you kind of have a pillow and a shaky, wrinkled hand moving up your leg in the middle of the night.

8) The lovebirds having their morning shower together in one stall will drive home the fact that prison sex will forever be misrepresented by the porn industry until someone from the “People of Wal-Mart” site decides to make one.


True story. I think this whole post falls under the "If you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning" category.

And for Moooooog35 it's a lesson on being careful what you wish for.

As for me, I'm getting out of here. Everything's sticky, there's hamster poo stuck to the wall and for reasons I can't explain, I feel sexually harrassed!

*oonce oonce oonce oonce*

************************

Thanks, Sister!!

Now go visit her over at "Inside Out and Backwards" and maybe bring tequila because that shit tends to hurt if you don't do it properly.

If you'd like to guest post, shoot me an email at:

midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Moog out.

20 comments:

Knight said...

Yeah that was horrifying and awesome all in one.

Vinny C said...

I totally agree. I miss that show too.

Elly Lou said...

I didn't realize english wasn't your first language. Do you have any permanent scars from the the rectal exam, Hellish?

Good pick for a guest poster, Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooog!

Aunt Juicebox said...

That show is available on Netflix, streaming as well as on disc. I was thrilled. When I was a kid, I was in love with that guy. Oh wait, this post was about something else...now what was it...Oh right! McRib! Mmmmmmm.....

Dazee Dreamer said...

That was an awesome guest post and now I have found another crazy person to follow.

Opto-Mom said...

Love Greatest American Hero.

Hate the McRib.

Love Sister Mary Hellish.

Hate AD.....ooh, look! A kitty!

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! You found your long lost fraternal twin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MommaKiss said...

Someone as fucked up funny as you? Didn't think it was possible.

pattypunker said...

my husband puts the 2XL stickers from his tshirts on the ass of my jeans so i feel your pain.

love SMH!

ajm said...

SisterMaryHellish always delivers the fun. This makes me want a night in jail -- because it sounds like a vacation from my life, yes, but also because of the excellent blog fodder. Bonus for the pic of Greatest American Hero.

Aunt Bethany said...

McRib! It's baaa-ack!

All the more reason why I love SMH. You should read her post on office toys killing one another. It's a tale of woe and angst, all balled up into a post of awesomeness.

Tom G. said...

Umm... I forgot what I was going to say... something about tight t-shirts...umm... let me go look at the picture again, maybe it'll come to me...

SisterMerryHellish said...

Wow! So many crazy peo…I mean thank you all!

Knight – Thank you! I think.

Vinny C. – Believe it or not…Me too!

Ellykins – Apparently saying “Uno más nachos bell grande por favor” in jail gets you the deluxe rectal exam.

Aunt Juicebox – They have McRibFlix now? Awesome!

Dazee Dreamer – Thanks! Crazy bloggers of a feather and stuff…

Opto-Mom – Are you looking at my kitty? Wait.

Eva Gallant – Are you calling me a dude?!

MommmaKiss – It’s not. The pictures are what really make the post, so he really gets all the fucked up credit!

Punker – And he’s still alive?!

AJM – Perhaps I’ve glamorized it a bit too much…or you REALLY need a vacation!

Aunt Bethany – I’m paying you in massages, right?

Tom G. – Temporary ADD is an epidemic in this country!

~SMH

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I generally don't like guest posters because you know it is all about what I like and don't like...

Oh wait squirrel....

I am back. I love her. I am going to visit her

Good choice mooogaroni. Like macaroni cause you are tiny as a macaroni nothing like a spaghetti. K, I am going.

Ann said...

Wow that was way worse than my jail story. Mine reads a bit like Arlo Guthrie. (If you're not old enough to be a hippie or raised by them you won't get the reference.)

I got arrested for trespassing because I was in the parking lot of a store socializing after shopping there. ($500 fine/5 hours in jail waiting to post bail)

Pearl said...

One of the best things I've read today. :-)

You sound suspiciously like my friend Mary's boyfriend Jon, all of it.

Delightful.

Pearl

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh my God, the pictures. Awesome. I'm so jealous of that idea.

ClevelandPoet said...

I think I had something of note (or attempted note) or even thoughtful and then the Greatest American Hero picture showed up and I sang the song in my head for most of the rest of the post.

Hooray ADD that was the point right?

I think I have some of those show on my DVR....

Dr. Cynicism said...

Great post and poster! It was so funny and all over the place! Oh right... ADD.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

You are trying to blame your crazy on ADD??!! I am going to call you out on this. I thought it was because your spaceship crashed when it landed! ;-)

You need to get a name that has more O's than moooooog. You do get and give out more O's I know! ;-)

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