THE THINGY | Mental Poo

Monday, January 23, 2012

THE THINGY


If you are looking for the now world famous "THINGY" post, well, I pulled it for reasons of family privacy.

It IS still accessible, but you'll need to email me at midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com and once you pass a rigorous screening process to make sure you're not one of my kids and/or angry family members, I'll see what I can do for you.

Moog out.

60 comments:

Mars said...

You haven't dealt with anything yet until the PMS and the crying starts.

SarcasmInAction said...

OHMYGAWD you have me CRACKING up with this one!
I have TWO daughters, but, I'm a girl too...so you know, I've got this.
PS, they don't measure your vag for sizes. If they did, I'd feel like the biggest sloppy whore EVER whenever I buy my super PLUS tampons.
It's all about the flow baby.
I'm sure I just gave you another aneurysm with that comment.
Oh and pads with wings? Best. Invention. Ever.
Next to SUPER FREAKING PLUS tampons.
And Xanax.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

This was hilarious..

I swear to god I was buying 'Supplies' the other day and the guy in line in front of me made a point of making sure the cashier knew where his groceries ended because clearly HE wasn't buying supplies. I chuckled and said 'Don't worry I don't think anyone would assume they were for you' at which point he nodded and I shit you not he started singing 'Only Women Bleed'.

Ed said...

Never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die.

Paula @lkg4sweetspot said...

Ok,I really needed that laugh this morning - Monday and all...glad you go it worked out and did not have to set up camp in the Women's Hygiene Isle at Target.

Mike said...

I was going to make a comment different than below, but then I noticed you said you were 5'4". I couldn't help but remember that at some point earlier in your blog you were 5'2", then you were 5'3".

Based on that level of growth of approximately 1" a year, by the time you are 50 you will be normal, average male height. By the time you are 70 you're going to be some sort of giant gangly freak.

At which point I think you should start playing basketball professionally.

Alli said...

I'm going to assume you haven't taken her shopping for bras yet. That's fun too, when the boobies grow and she graduates from training bra to real bra and has to be fitted at a shop.

Wait...did you know your little girl would one day get some boobs?

Randy said...

I feel your pain (though I haven't had to buy supplies yet). My daughter was at my place this weekend and walked out of the bathroom and said, "We have to go to Mom's house *now*!" It was then that I knew that what I had been dreading had happened.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh my God! That was hysterical! I could picture you through the whole post! You are one funny person!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh my God! That was hysterical! I could picture you through the whole post! You are one funny person!

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

Just be glad you aren't the one having The Thingy. It. is. not. fun.

Moooooog35 said...

What's missing here is that my daughter came to me in the living room today and goes, "I'm out of pads." Which, you know..was awesome. So I said, "Ugh. I'll go get you some more" then dropped her off at dance and forgot about it.

Fast forward 1/2 hour later when my 8-year old son looks at me and goes, "Dad. Don't forget Payton's pads."

And then I killed myself.

Mad Woman behind the Blog said...

Dooood, I feel your pain. I avoid that aisle like the plague. When I do buy supplies I buy so much you'd think I lived in a harem.

And I don't even want to think about my daughter's "it" ACK!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You see this is why you dudes are the weaker sex in reality. You can't even deal with the idea of a little blood on someone's gusset once a month. Pfff!

, the long ass overnight pads are that length because - how can I put this delicately so you don't explode into a pile of bile and goo - you're lying down to sleep and gooey stuff is exiting your ladyplace and running all over the damn place and unless you like blood where no blood should be, you need something absorbent that protects the entire panty area. Or a tampon.

Boys are funny. Also, some 12 year old boy seems to be on every single register where I am buying tampons in bulk to save money. Effers!

PS Enjoy those pre-teen hormonal mood swings now! :) Hers, not yours.

Lindsay said...

One of your best blogs. E.V.E.R.

The Empress said...

Oh, mooooog, as wonderful and perfect as this was, it made me cry a little.

Yeah, oh yeah. How time marches on.

Pat said...

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap singing, "This girl is a WOMAN now"..... Yowzer!

Funny stuff!

You know how embarrassed you were to buy the pads? You daughter will be DOUBLE that if she found out you WROTE about it on your BLOG!!

When I was young, I remember watching a movie about "the period". Some doctor (the "effing" liar" said a woman will only bleed about 2 tbls). YEAH RIGHT!!! Dirty rat bastard! Liar liar pants on fire!

Kara said...

Never, ever EVER tell her you wrote this. Trust me.

Martina said...

Now I know what to do to my ex when our daughter get her "thingy". Haha!

00dozo said...

When she graduates to tampons, you may not wish to buy them at 'Target'. You know, just to avoid that visual.

;-)

Vodka Logic said...

Sheesh it's not that bad.... coward. :)

MommaKiss said...

Oh dear Moooooog. Oh dear.

Please, I'd offer to mail you some 'supplies' but then we'd never get to witness a "day in the life" of you and your fucked up brain.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

I you HAD cut your arm off, there would have been plenty of products on that aisle to help stop the bleeding.

SurferWife said...

Dude. Imagine your poor daughter's disgust that her dad had to buy her supplies.

According to Jewels said...

No way in hell would my father have ever done that. You are a brave man. I know it can be overwhelming but it will hardly be the last time you have to go and do it...so get used to it. :)

Carey said...

Absolutely hysterical and awesome post! You're a very brave man. For the record, when mine got hers, I packed a discreet little pink supply kit and sent it with her to my ex's house. He never had to see or touch or think about anything. I deserve a cookie.

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

That Mouseketeer in the middle? She's putting one in as that picture is being shot. Look at her! That's why you found that pic.

middle child said...

I'm going to go back and read this whole thing but just wanted you to know that I knew what you meant from the first sentence! Yay me! Send me a prize. My grandaughter got hers awhile ago and I forgot that as a bonus for "becoming a woman" they also get a monstrous attitude to go with it. Good luck dude.

middle child said...

Best. Post. Ever.!

Knight said...

Toolie? Seriously? I have to punch you in the throat for that one.

I'm pretty sure my dad still doesn't know I ever got my thingy.

Dude, stop freaking out. Just buy the first pad you see. She will figure it out.

In a year or two you might want to toss a couple condoms in that drawer. Just incase.

sassyblondebitch said...

Seriously the FUNNIEST thingy I have read in forever! Your ex wife is mean, just plain ol mean. I have been married 25 years (ack!) and have never made my DH buy me or my daughter any of THOSE things.

Now, the names? Really? Ugh, your poor kids. No, seriously. That is just wrong. You could use something else...

John said...

Damn.

I just put fingers in my ears & start shouting "I can't hear you" when someone talks about how big my daughter is getting.

That her thingie might, ever, come . . . well, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!"

Simone Says... said...

just wait until she starts dating. you're screwed.

Dumb Mom said...

Laughing so damn hard right now. Would I be rubbing it in at all if I told I have 3 boys?! I feel like I won some sort of a jackpot and I'm a chick! But still, I tell people all the time, at least I don't have to worry about "THE THING!" Glad you survived!

WebSavvyMom said...

-->Purchased supplies last night and thought about you.
You're Welcome!

Dawn said...

OMG...thats the best laugh I have had in a long time!

meleah rebeccah said...

vajayjay torpedoes = ahahahahhahaha!


Okay, I am crying laughing. I can't even breathe. The graphic of the direct route you took to the aisle is beyond hilarious. And I totally lost it after reading this line:

"“Hi..my little girl got her..you know..and I need to get her these things..I guess..and will you do me a favor (*hands her my car key*) and just slice my jugular open with this? Thanks.”

And just wait till her hormones go buck wild and she suffers from PMS or complains about cramps!

Shirley Ewe-Jest said...

A lady I once worked with told the story of how her husband was too much of a coward to go in and buy "lady supplies", so she had to go in and do it, IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING A MISCARRIAGE. So you are braver than THAT guy.

Shirley Ewe-Jest said...

In case you don't know how to discuss this with your daughter, here are some helpful euphemisms: "that lady time", "your pan drippings" and "red tide in clam harbor". Yer welcome.

Also, girls who have gotten it generally carry supplies around with them, so I think your ex is f*cking with you. :D

He Said His Telephone Number Was 911 said...

Moooooog, I know your pain dude. But the Harley mag is the proven cover for those 'feminine products' with the brightly colored boxes, that scream "Look At Me!" to anyone within twenty feet. Next time skip Target, and use the grocery store. The self-checkout spares you those looks from the 17 year old cashier.

Karen said...

You poor thing....I hope you got to go home and have a strong drink after that fiasco.

Jen said...

Laughed my thingy off. OMFG, dude this was horribly funny and also little scary. I've tried to talk to my daughter about this, just to get her mentally prepared but she is having nothing to do with any of it. Losing her first tooth was traumatic because of the blood, I can't even begin to fathom what hell will happen when she gets her thingy. I hope she's at her dad's when it happens.

injaynesworld said...

You should be doing stand-up. Seriously. You deserve your own HBO special. This is killer funny because it's so damn relatable.

Genius!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This may be the best post in the history of Mental Poo. I really am laughing out loud. You should get it published somewhere.

Marie said...

What terrible thing did you do to your ex-wife that she foisted that chore on you?!?! I would have killed myself if my father had shopped for me. I can barely even tolerate him knowing I am a girl. We pretend I found my four children on the street somewhere.

That said, I will give you a piece of advice in case you have to run this mission again in the future. If I encountered a man loitering in the Feminine Hygiene aisle, I would be majorly creeped out. If he tried to make eye contact with me, never mind actually asked for help, I would run screaming for Security.

Your best bet? Order a year's supply from Drugstore.com. :) And bravo, you are a good Dad. :)

cardiogirl said...

Kudos, moooooog! I absolutely loved the entrance to Narnia at the end of the pad aisle!

Christina_the_wench said...

Pray to god she doesn't get a yeast infection or needs Midol.

I have two teen daughters and half my check goes to that 'aisle'. (cries)

TheNextMartha said...

Don't forget to have the conversation on how she disposes of them. ::Laughs maniacally::

Miss Yvonne said...

When my stepdaughter got her thingy, my husband brought home super sized tampons and Poise pads. Then he threw them at me when I fell over laughing.

That was the best day ever.

J. Bear Savo said...

I've never laughed out loud so many times reading a blog post.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Absolutely histerical. You captured exactly how I feel shopping for supplies to this day. And I'm 43!

I probably would have come home with finger paints and paste if I was asked to buy "supplies"

Brandon Duncan said...

Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. As a dad to girls, I can't say I've ever been quite to that point, but yeah. Little nerve-wracking, lol!

So. Cal. Gal said...

As a 47 y.o. woman, all I can say is, "Wimp". : P

Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

That was mean of your ex-wife. ;) She could have easily sent your daughter with a bag of her own "supplies" the next time she came over. (I'm assuming your daughter lives with her mother?)

Nevertheless, if she hadn't stuck it to you like that, you would not have had the material for this hilariously awesome blog post, so she gets kudos for that.

Andrea said...

Omg. That was awesome. I'm a woman and I was laughing, not at you, mind you...well, okay just a little bit.

It is overwhelming. I haven't done that dance in ten years due to a most unfortune (hidden blessing) malfunction of my uterus. I imagine things have gotten more complicated since I was 24.

The Lady's Lounge said...

You are such a BABY!!
That having been said, you're hilarious. And also I'm a woman and had no idea there was such thing as Tween-Pads. Weird.

funnyortragic said...

I am cracking up. I have no sympathy for you, but I am cracking up. You boys only have to deal with some wet dreams as a kid and a cracking voice. We deal with this shit for 40 years or so.
But I do completely think the ex was messing with you. And now I will to: so your little girl is becoming a woman. You DO realize you need to sit down and have a talk with her sooner rather than later? It's up to you to let her know what every boy is really thinking of. You can't rely on mom to give that boys-are-evil slant, you know. Or the Dad-will-rip-off-that-boys-penis slant. How's THAT for giving you an aneurysm?

* The MOM said...

I <3 this post. Seeing men in misery makes me so happy. Yes, I am a sadist. ;) WINGS RULE!!!

Brett Minor said...

I am divorced and my daughter lives with me. Her THINGY came while she was at camp. I went down to visit mid-week and she came to me crying saying she wanted to go home. This was odd because she loved camp. She wouldn't tell me why. I was starting to think someone had done something to her.

I was going to take her home, but wasn't about to leave that camp until I knew what the problem was in case there was something I needed to take care of. I finally found out the issue. She was just a little freaked out and wanted to go. I grabbed the camp nurse to find out exactly what I needed and she went to the store with me on the way home.

Idea #527 said...

My own dear father apparently had missed it for the year I had mine. I was in the middle of getting stitches in my foot in 8th grade and they were numbing my foot when the nurse asked me if I had my period yet. My Dad says "No..." and I said "Actually, I'm on it right now."
And my Dad let.go.of.my.hand. And to this day, I will never forget that. :)

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