Sleeping with the Little Enemies | Mental Poo

Monday, March 19, 2012

Sleeping with the Little Enemies

I went on vacation with my two kids over the summer and because I'm cheap I got a single hotel room with 2 double beds.

For the sake of keeping track, let's just call that "mistake #1."

Mistake #2 was assuming that I would actually be able to share a bed with one of my kids and get a good night's sleep because..well..let's just get into it.

Attempt #1

Since the kids previously tried and failed at sharing a bed, I split them up and then hopped into bed with my then 7-year old son, Cam.

My son, as awesome as he is, is do you say...'clingy.'

As such, about an hour into trying to sleep I woke up completely covered in 7-year old like this:


Of course now I'm sweating and he's snoring and I have no place to move because I was too cheap to get a room with two Queens or something so I tried to push him away into the 6 inches of free space that was available as best I could and closed my eyes.


(ten minutes later):


This isn't going to work.

Attempt #2

I looked over at my daughter sleeping in her own bed only a few feet away, got up, nudged her over a little bit, snuck next to her, closed my eyes and then prayed.

Yes. I prayed.


You see, my daughter has not slept through a single night completely in her life without screaming or yelling or just being awake in general so I was PRAYING that the events of the day would be enough to get her to conk out but..


I awoke shortly after closing my eyes with...I don't know...this strange feeling.

So I opened my eyes, looked over, and saw this:


My daughter, Payton, was wide awake. Sitting straight up in bed with her eyes wide open pretty much just freaking me the Hell out.

After my heart slowed down from being completely weirded out and I cleaned the shit out of my underwear, I poked her in the shoulder with my finger..

Me: "Um. Payt?"

Payton looked at me.

You now that line in Jaws where Quint is talking about a shark's eyes being like a dolls' eyes..just black..they don't appear to be livin'..


Then she casually turned around and laid back down and went to sleep.

Yeah. Not weird AT ALL.

So I turned over, closed my eyes YET AGAIN but a short time later I could feel something pressed up against the back of me AND MOTHER OF GOD PAYTON WILL YOU GET..OFf..of..


Somehow in the middle of the night my daughter took it upon herself to construct the Great Wall of China out of hotel pillows and put said China wall between the two of us and it turns out that one of the pillows WAS THE ONE I WAS USING HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!

Feeling defeated and OMG IS IT REALLY ONLY 11:30 WTF I got up, took my pillow from the Great Wall of Downy Softness and plopped my ass down on the floor in between the beds.

And I slept.

Next time I get a room with 3 beds.

And extra pillows.


Vinny C said...

I believe the answer's obvious. They're possessed! Know any good exorcists?

Anonymous said...

Cracked up reading this! Kids are like evil robots. They're made to torment like this.

laughingmom said...

HAHA! YES! I remember those days when my hubby and I would toss a coin to see who got to share a bed with which one of our possessed kids in a hotel room. Just wait until they get to the "private" years and you try to juggle those issues - might as well get rooms in two different hotels!

Miss Yvonne said...

I shared a hotel room with my kids once. ONCE. All it took was one night smelling my son's farts for 6 hours straight to get me to book two rooms the next time.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to this. I have two nieces, and go through this every single night of my life.

Unknown said...

We just came back from vacation. We got them their own room with separate beds. Our solution to saving money was finding a place that wasn't booked and working out a deal since we were still ahead of the official "season". Sometimes a little bartering is worth the sanity factor.

OHmommy said...

So true!

Bobbi said...

I had to sleep in a bed with my grandmother once while on vacation and I was awoken to my sweet grandma beating the shit out of me while she had a nightmare...

meleah rebeccah said...

Man, Payton sitting up straight like that would have freaked me the hell out too!

Unknown said...

I sleep with my eyes open. It freaks my girlfriend out so much because they are constantly moving due to REM. Anytime she moves, apparently my eyes track her and once she gets off the bed, I wake up. One night, she snuck a camera (yeah insert obvious recording jokes here) and taped me sleeping. Needless to say, Paranormal Activity has nothing on me.....

Suniverse said...

The girl used to have night terrors and would freak me out - that dead-eyed stare plus sleepwalking and screaming? Ugh. Kids are fun.

AlphaIntrusiveSleepGirl said...

The description of your daughter was do awesomely accurate of what my same aged daughter does. I have to forewarn guests of her parasomnias. Like "BTW, J might scream, yell, walk out and talk jibberish this evening. This is all totally normal. She's sleeping." This post made me laugh out loud in an empty room.

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