I went on vacation with my two kids over the summer and because I'm cheap I got a single hotel room with 2 double beds.
For the sake of keeping track, let's just call that "mistake #1."
Mistake #2 was assuming that I would actually be able to share a bed with one of my kids and get a good night's sleep because..well..let's just get into it.
Since the kids previously tried and failed at sharing a bed, I split them up and then hopped into bed with my then 7-year old son, Cam.
My son, as awesome as he is, is very...how do you say...'clingy.'
As such, about an hour into trying to sleep I woke up completely covered in 7-year old like this:
Of course now I'm sweating and he's snoring and I have no place to move because I was too cheap to get a room with two Queens or something so I tried to push him away into the 6 inches of free space that was available as best I could and closed my eyes.
(ten minutes later):
This isn't going to work.
I looked over at my daughter sleeping in her own bed only a few feet away, got up, nudged her over a little bit, snuck next to her, closed my eyes and then prayed.
Yes. I prayed.
You see, my daughter has not slept through a single night completely in her life without screaming or yelling or just being awake in general so I was PRAYING that the events of the day would be enough to get her to conk out but..
I awoke shortly after closing my eyes with...I don't know...this strange feeling.
So I opened my eyes, looked over, and saw this:
My daughter, Payton, was wide awake. Sitting straight up in bed with her eyes wide open pretty much just freaking me the Hell out.
After my heart slowed down from being completely weirded out and I cleaned the shit out of my underwear, I poked her in the shoulder with my finger..
Me: "Um. Payt?"
Payton looked at me.
You now that line in Jaws where Quint is talking about a shark's eyes being like a dolls' eyes..just black..they don't appear to be livin'..
YES. LIKE THAT.
Then she casually turned around and laid back down and went to sleep.
Yeah. Not weird AT ALL.
So I turned over, closed my eyes YET AGAIN but a short time later I could feel something pressed up against the back of me AND MOTHER OF GOD PAYTON WILL YOU GET..OFf..of..
Somehow in the middle of the night my daughter took it upon herself to construct the Great Wall of China out of hotel pillows and put said China wall between the two of us and it turns out that one of the pillows WAS THE ONE I WAS USING HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!
Feeling defeated and OMG IS IT REALLY ONLY 11:30 WTF I got up, took my pillow from the Great Wall of Downy Softness and plopped my ass down on the floor in between the beds.
And I slept.
Next time I get a room with 3 beds.
And extra pillows.