My house is uber fluffy now. | Mental Poo

Monday, September 16, 2013

My house is uber fluffy now.

When we last talked about my divorce status, I was living alone with part-time kids and part-time sex. 
I had my kids 3 or 4 nights a week, and saw my fiancee (who lived 3- minutes away) once or twice a week. The other 2 or 3 nights and days were spent alone.

My alone time was basically comprised of walking around my house naked, eating oreos and playing XBox. Sometimes I did all 3 at once. Sometimes I only did 2 of them at one time. 
Related: oreos crumbs are hard to get out of your pubic region.

Then my fiancee moved in with her 2 kids. 
Things have since changed. 
Today's topic:

Furniture:

1) I now own slip-covers. 
I had no idea we needed slip covers or - honestly - what slip covers were actually for.
All I know now is that every other day I have to fix my furniture because it's wrinkly. So, basically, I am now the owner of wrinkly adjustable couches and chairs.
Yelling things like, "OH MY GOD WILL YOU SIT ON THE CHAIR THE RIGHT WAY?!? You're pulling out the slip cover!" is commonplace. Also, I am beginning to enjoy sitting on the floor in order to avoid having to tuck slip covers back into place every 3 minutes because SO MANY WRINKLES.

It's like sitting on Jessica Tandy.


2) Pillows

Seriously.
Our bed has no less than 14 pillows on it.
Big pillows.
Little pillows.
Throw pillows.
LONG TUBULAR PILLOWS.
I don't even know what those big tube pillow things are for. Like..lumbar support? To use as columns for pillow forts? I have no fucking idea.

It now takes me 15 minutes to clear pillows off before I can climb into bed. I usually have to carb-load the night before so I have enough energy to get rid of all the goddamn pillows.
On the bright side, there are no slip covers on the bed so at least I get to sleep on it. Until my fiancee starts snoring. Then I'm out on the couch. The wrinkly, wrinkly couch.
Sonofabitch.



5 comments:

Timothy Hecht said...

Ah, compromise. It in necessary and it sucks.

I have no patience for slip covers.

Suzy said...

Women and our pillows! My stepfather once gave a moratorium to my mom on her pillow fetish. I currently have 5 in the living room, 6 in the bedroom, and one in a closet. Believe me, I've cut back.

Paul, Dammit! said...

First fight I ever had with my wife was about the 17 pillows on the bed. Being a foreigner, she misheard my asking 'why do we have 17 pillows?" for something else, and chewed me up and down. She never was clear about what she thought she heard.
Never, ever ask what the tubular one is for. Pretty sure it gets jammed up your Windward Passage if you complain about the pillows too much.

Karen said...

We women LUUUUUUUUUUVVVVV our pillows! Men, get over it you gotta learn to live with it or be all by yourself :P

Collette Palmer said...

Ok, here goes:
1. Slipcovers suck!
2. Pillows are awesome, but 14 IS way too many for the bed.
3. Sorry, my hubby hates my snoring, too.
Main food for thought: Did you ask her to move in or was it just assumed???

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