When we last talked about my divorce status, I was living alone with part-time kids and part-time sex.
I had my kids 3 or 4 nights a week, and saw my fiancee (who lived 3- minutes away) once or twice a week. The other 2 or 3 nights and days were spent alone.
My alone time was basically comprised of walking around my house naked, eating oreos and playing XBox. Sometimes I did all 3 at once. Sometimes I only did 2 of them at one time.
Related: oreos crumbs are hard to get out of your pubic region.
Then my fiancee moved in with her 2 kids.
Things have since changed.
1) I now own slip-covers.
I had no idea we needed slip covers or - honestly - what slip covers were actually for.
All I know now is that every other day I have to fix my furniture because it's wrinkly. So, basically, I am now the owner of wrinkly adjustable couches and chairs.
Yelling things like, "OH MY GOD WILL YOU SIT ON THE CHAIR THE RIGHT WAY?!? You're pulling out the slip cover!" is commonplace. Also, I am beginning to enjoy sitting on the floor in order to avoid having to tuck slip covers back into place every 3 minutes because SO MANY WRINKLES.
It's like sitting on Jessica Tandy.
Our bed has no less than 14 pillows on it.
LONG TUBULAR PILLOWS.
I don't even know what those big tube pillow things are for. Like..lumbar support? To use as columns for pillow forts? I have no fucking idea.
It now takes me 15 minutes to clear pillows off before I can climb into bed. I usually have to carb-load the night before so I have enough energy to get rid of all the goddamn pillows.
On the bright side, there are no slip covers on the bed so at least I get to sleep on it. Until my fiancee starts snoring. Then I'm out on the couch. The wrinkly, wrinkly couch.