Shower Struggles | Mental Poo

Monday, September 23, 2013

Shower Struggles

If you read my last post about my fiancee moving into the house with her 2 kids, then you know that, well..

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

Today's topic:

Hygiene

1) Showering

My one bottle of Axe Body Wash has been supplemented with 15 bottles of conditioner, shampoos, kids shampoo and no less than 43 face cloths.

Not only does the shower now smell like a fruit stand, but I'm sure I will be raided by the Center for Disease Control shortly for whatever is growing in the face cloths.

I'm not quite clear on the need for 5 facecloths is, but there must be one because it would be otherwise silly to have SO MUCH TERRYCLOTH in one place, right?

RIGHT?!

The problem with having so much stuff in the confined space of a shower is a matter of confinement. Now, a typical episode of showering consists of this:

- turn on shower
- get into shower
- reach for body wash
- Kiwi shampoo falls on floor
- bend over to pick up Kiwi shampoo
- put shampoo back on shelf
- red facecloth falls on floor
- grab red face cloth
- put red face cloth back
- red face cloth nicks blue facecloth as you're putting it back
- blue face cloth falls on floor
- soap bar slides over and knocks watermelon kids shampoo on floor
- pick up watermelon shampoo and facecloth
- while standing up, soap bar slides off
- soap bar lands on foot
- yell 'ouch' and reflexively knock every face cloth onto the floor
- drop everything, exit shower, stay filthy for 3 days


2) I have discovered that females shed at an alarming rate.

I discover this every day when I take a shower and realize I'm standing in 3 inches of water.

This requires me to reach down and remove what appears to be either one of the Tribbles from Star Trek or the stand-in for Cousin It from the Addams Family.

This is immediately followed by 15 minutes of gagging.

Granted, I am losing my hair at an alarming rate but I have so little of it now that any time some of mine falls out there is a small ceremony and private burial.

3) My razors went missing.

One day I went to shave while in the shower (2 birds, one stone) and realized that my razor had been tossed out. It had been replaced by a 5-blade contraption with a lubricating strip so wide that a plane could land on it.

I don't know how people actually shave with these things but it became painfully clear to me that I could not fit the razor under my nose with the giant lube strip so for a week - until I could get a new razor - it totally looked like I was trying to bring the Hitler look back into style.

I wonder if Eva Braun had this much shit.

1 comment:

Timothy Hecht said...

TMI dude. Shower- In, out - I'm done. That's all anyone needs to know.

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