The God Guy - a religious rant | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The God Guy - a religious rant

He goes to church 5 times a week. Sometimes he goes even more.

There’s a guy who I work with, who sits in the next cube, who’s a little over-the-top in regards to religion. I know there are born-again Christians out there...

(fear not…I know they’re not reading this blog…because if they are, they have some SERIOUS explaining to do to the big guy)

...but I think this guy is trying to be the leader.

I’ve worked for a born-again Christian before.

I know it may sound hard to believe, but I did.

And I really like the guy and consider him a friend.

But it didn’t always start out that way…

Fresh out of college, I had a job working for some Civil Engineers.

It came to my attention that one of our land surveyors was born-again.

I had no idea what this meant at the time…as I’d never really run into one before. When someone explained it to me, I felt an immediate rush of guilt because I think I started out every sentence I spoke to him with:

Hey…what the fuck is up? Satan, yo.”

Then the guilt went away.

However, in the course of my employment there, we actually did some really bad things to this guy.

Which are still hilarious, but now I feel a twinge of remorse.

Just kidding.

The first major thing I can remember is when he found out his wife was pregnant.

(it was his baby as it turns out, and was not immaculately conceived - go figure)

He was thrilled, of course.

In order to share his enthusiasm, he posted a “Name the Baby Contest” poster in the common kitchen.

For the contest, people were invited to jot down their ideas for the baby’s name on any of the lines provided on the sheet.

When the entries were all filled in, he and his wife would consult with the Lord and potentially pick one of the suggested names for the baby.

I suggested “Lucifer”.

My co-worker put down “Shemp”.

Shemp.

How he thought of Shemp I have no idea.

However, had we been able to figure out how to spell Beezlebub at the time, I’m sure it would have landed on the list.

The very next day, the paper was down. Contest over.

He did NOT choose either of our names.

The guy sitting next to me is a bit more overboard. I mean, he wears God SHIRTS to work.

Where do they make God shirts? Not just God shirts, but God shirts with scripture on them?

I’ve checked several sporting good stores and can’t seem to find one. However, I did find an awesome Jonathan Papelbon Red Sox jersey.

Close enough.

He has told us the following:

1) He attends church at least 5 times a week

2) He holds bible study at his home several nights a week as well


3) His son, who is 15, is not yet allowed to date


4) Both of his kids have taken vows of celibacy


5) His wife doesn’t work, nor should she.


Two questions from this:

1) Where does he find the time to actually shop for these shirts?

2) Why hasn’t his son kicked his dad’s ass for not allowing him to date?! Really? 15?! His daughter I can see forbidding this…but his son? (yes, ladies…one-way street for us fathers) Let the poor kid get some.


Number two on this latter list is his kids’ own fault.

A fifteen year old boy taking a vow of celibacy AND not dating?! Dude. Why don’t you just take my place at the urologist and have them cut your nads clean off? High school tail is some of the best, and he’s losing out on it.

My guess is that he’s taking this into his own hands – literally.

When he tells his dad he’s “visiting the Bishop”, it’s not what his daddy is thinking.

That’s not a holy water stain on his shirt.

On top of this, they just got some foreign exchange student from Korea (I think).

This is why we’re getting lead paint in our toys from Asia – their students come back from the program and tell the sponsors, “I couldn’t get laid…I had to go to church 24-hours a day…They made me wear these…these…t-shirts!…It was HORRIBLE!”

This exchange kid must be looking out the window across the street at his other buddies smoking butts, drinking JD….who came over here and get to go to concerts, get laid, eat beef on Friday…shit like that…and saying to himself, “How did I pull the short pad thai noodle on this one?”

That poor, poor kid.

I don’t get it the whole divine living thing.

Probably never will.

Mainly because I like turning screws (like when I used to wear my Black Sabbath shirts…complete with goat-in-pentagram and spread-wing-Devil on the front to CCD (catholic school)) and getting reactions, instead of trying to focus on something positive.

Maybe I should turn my life around. Maybe I should hone in on the positives of life.

Nah.

The prospect of NOT laughing at something like “Shemp” is horrifying to me.

Shemp.

Too goddamn funny.

15 comments:

Scott Percival said...

Now that you are approaching middle age(40), I am glad to see that your outlook on life hasn't changed one bit.

Tim didn't like it when I told him that God was dead either.

Robert Ninja said...

I love this post. If there was ever a rant that was worth a read, it would be this one.

Ryan Davies said...

I hate religion, therefore I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

Jesus loves you.

Anonymous said...

you're appealing to the teenage bracket. shows where your mentality lies.

moooooog35 said...

I know Jesus loves me. The guy sitting next to me has a shirt that says it.

I don't want to attract people that "hate" religion...more or less I'm commenting on the fact that too much of anything isn't necessarily a good thing.

WWMD? (What would moooooog do?)

moooooog35 said...

Yeah - I can see how all that vasectomy talk appeals to the teenage bracket.

My next topics are "How to wear your hat sideways and look retarded" and "Can anything be considered too low to wear your pants?"

Nice catch. You got me pegged.

Anonymous said...

thank you it wasn't that far of a stretch.......since you are only 5'2" and I wouldn't peg you if my life depended on it.

moooooog35 said...

Now it's just getting weird.

I'm honestly not sure if "I wouldn't peg you" is a compliment or a dig...or what it means, exactly, in that context. Maybe you would peg me. I might be very peg-able once you get to know me.

So much for "to forgive is divine."

Anonymous said...

well if he is so appealing to the teenage bracket why are you reading his blog? Guess you just don't want to admit you find it funny. By the way what do you mean by "I wouldn't peg you if my life depended on it" I've never heard that one. Maybe I should check with my 7 year old.

Marc said...

Sweet! You have a personal troll who lacks the man juice to identify himself. And if they are reading this blog, they clearly are looking to start a crusade of their own. =)
Yeah. I remember CCD. I think I used to wear my KMFDM shirt to that as well. One of the ones that clearly promoted both sex and violence.
I think it is important to note that people who take themselves too seriously, or their crusade to pigeonhole everyone into "Us and Them" need some more born again goodness. Isnt there a bit about "Judge not they neighbor"?

-MD

Richard Stocks said...

Sorry man - my inner anal retentive is making me do it: The correct spelling is "Beelzebub".

Lucifier is a lovely name for a boy.

DVeau said...

Ha! .. you have an anon stalker who wants to "peg" you!!

I have no idea what that means.

Anyway, I work with a Jesus Freak who retorts with the usual "God Bless You" anytime anyone sneezes, wheezes, or just clears their damn throat. An occupant in the unit next door could sneeze and he'd friggin "God Bless them".

If I was do damned "blessed", I wouldn't be getting paid shitty money to come in and listen to his "Blessings of God" everytime my fucking nose itches!

-What the hell is that, anyway? "God Bless You"...WTF?!??

Beattie said...

Just stumbled across this blog and laughed my ass off - not least because one of the ads on the left of this post was a weblink for Christian Singles.

Brutalism said...

If a God (or many Gods) exist, I am confident that they would all laugh at "Shemp."

That is a God I could buy into.

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