My Vasectomy, Part 4 - Consultation 102 (Puff the Magic Dragon) | Mental Poo

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

My Vasectomy, Part 4 - Consultation 102 (Puff the Magic Dragon)

So far, my vasectomy consultation was going pretty much as planned (procedure, risks, etc., etc.)

Then it all got confusing.

She told me that I would have to ejaculate (I think the clinical term is “whack off”) 25 times after the operation, and bring in the 26th sample so they could test it in the lab to see if all my swimmies were out of there.

This confused me.

I mean, they’re cutting off the highway…putting in a detour….

..where do the cars go?

..nevermind where do the cars go…what kind of traffic is coming out the other side of the tunnel?!?

I have to admit, as much as I am an eager student when it comes to working my own anatomy, I have no real idea of how anything works down there. Penis goes up, penis goes down. Sometimes penis doesn’t go up no matter how much you try to talk him into it. Sometimes penis looks good dressed in a Barbie outfit with a face drawn on it. That’s pretty much all I know.

Now, when someone tells you that they’re severing the bus line that drops your swimmers off at the pool, I had to wonder who the Hell would be jumping off the diving board? Really…what comes out of there?

So I asked her. She point-blank asked me back, “Well, what do you THINK comes out?”

I simply replied, “I just thought it went like this…”

I took in a breath..and puffed out a little air.


Really, I had no idea. I thought that once this was done, if you were getting a "BJ" for instance and it was time for, say, a facial, that all that would come out would be a little puff of air.

At best, the girl’s hair would flip up for a second…like when you’re hot and try to blow on your own forehead…kind of like she was getting hit by a tiny little hair dryer.


Who knew?

Turns out that there’s this whole little cocktail (pun intended) that comes out of there. Sperm is only 1% of the whole mix. The rest is stuff bubbled up from your nether regions in an area a little higher than where they pull the plug in your sperm pool. This stuff is called “seminal fluid”. Prior to this meeting, I thought seminal fluid had something to do with what monks drank at the temple. You know, it still may be that…although, that would be really, really gross and turn me off to the whole idea of monk-hood. Maybe this is why there are so many homosexuals in priesthood…it’s the whole confusion over seminal fluid.

Anyway, this seminal fluid mix includes semen and, if you’re Nick Nolte, gin and tonic.

..and you thought this wouldn’t be educational.


Oswegan said...

Wait till the vicodin wears off and you can feel those little upset tubes trying to find each other to reconnect like two long lost lovers or an earth worm that has suddenly been cut in half.

Now that's a wierd feeling.

The Oswegan

Anonymous said...

Your wording is great! ha ha ha

My hubby was/is too wimpy to get a I am getting some pretty strong thighs from keeping them closed. ;)

Great blog!

Anonymous said...

Is this the reason I can't find clothes for my Barbie Doll?

Anonymous said...

Where do you live? My Barbie clothes are missing!

Nellioness said...

Mental Poo ~

Interesting post. The best of luck about the operation, you'll feel relieved that the worry about pregnancy is over. But remember to use some other form of birth control after the vasectomy until the doctor tells you sperm is out of your seminal fluid. And, as I know, the operation doesn't affect masculinity at all.

And what is great about vasectomy: sex will be more spontaneous! :)

Steyny said...

Ew...With that operation, you lost your manhood. You aren't even half the man now...

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