My Vasectomy, Part Two - The Decision for an Incision | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 20, 2007

My Vasectomy, Part Two - The Decision for an Incision

Now, suffice it to say that I have two wonderful children. However, having two wonderful children is enough of a deterrent to ever wanting to have three wonderful children. Two is good – plenty good. My wife, God bless her, has always taken it upon herself to be the one handling the birth control. This comes in handy for me during the two times a year we actually have sex…as any condoms I would have purchased for the previous time would have become all hard and crusty, thus stopping me from having relations immediately (requiring me to buy new condoms for the next time…where the vicious cycle of condom crust repeats). If you’ve never seen a hard and crusty condom, I salute you – as this means that you’re probably single…or just married…or married with no children…or just lucky. Condoms resemble tiny little Frisbees in this state. I once saw mice in my bedroom playing Ultimate Condom with them.

However, recently it was proposed by my wife that this amount of sex might actually DOUBLE if she could get off the pill. The thought of getting onto a quarterly sex plan was intriguing. Thus, the big ‘V’ discussions began. It’s a win-win, when you think of it….extra sex…no extra kids…a knife cutting into your scrotum…

…wait, scratch that last one.

So, after much hemming and hawing, I made the appointment. Now, vasectomies actually require TWO appointments (and it turns out it’s not one for each ball, as I originally thought). The first appointment is a “consultation” – where they tell you what’s going to happen, your state of mind, your state of penis, and reversibility. Personally, I’m not sure who would want to reverse this – I mean, having to go BACK for a scrotum re-cut…

Jackass: “Hey doc, remember how you cut open my balls and severed a piece of my anatomy?”
Doctor: “Of course. I’m still getting money from the HMO for it”
Jackass: “I’ve decided that I no longer enjoy sleep, and want another child. I also enjoy the feeling of having stitches on my sack. Can you cut into them again?”
Doctor: “Or course I can. Where’s your insurance card?”

So, as my luck has it, the doctor’s assistant is going to do the consultation. It’s a woman. Now, as erotic as having a woman discussing your balls and prick in detail sounds, it’s not so pleasant when she’s talking about carving them (think, Lorena Bobbitt discussing with her husband what she’s going to do as he’s going to bed). This is why I did not have a boner during the appointment. Otherwise, I would have been all up in that shit. However, the mention of the doctor sticking a needle in your sack, yanking out a sperm tunnel, snipping it and sewing it back together, does not bode well for the libido.

However, I have to say that the appointment – which lasted all of 10 minutes – went well. In fact, I learned some things:

1) After a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate.
2) After a vasectomy, not only can you still ejaculate, but they REQUIRE that you do it at least 25 times and come back with the 26th sample.
3) The pictures that they show you to illustrate what’s going to happen have been modeled from a guy with a dick three times the size of mine. I have to meet this guy and shake his hand.
4) No matter how unappealing the consultation was, it still rocks to have a chick hold your balls…even if it’s just to check your vas deferens. Google it, I’m not explaining it.

We’ll go over these points in my next blog, tentatively titled “My arm is sore from whacking off 25 times”.


Anonymous said...

Now THAT'S good readin'! I love the part about having to whack off 25 times. My husband is on his 24th. Alternate hands, it makes the whole experience seem like there's THREE of you involved!

Moooooog35 said...

Great idea. I personally like to draw faces on each hand...kind of like Senor Wences:

Anonymous said...

Kristin, he never said anything about whacking off 25 times. Having gone through this myself, I made sure that my wife understood that this was HER responsibility to take care of. I wanted to make sure she felt like she was part of this experience as well, it would have been unfair to leave her out.

I can however say that after this procedure, my married sex life really hasn't improved, regardless of all my wife's promises. When your wife is taking care of your two toddlers all day, by the time they're in bed and sex is a possibility, all that's on her mind is SLEEP. Sigh..........

Anonymous said...

Hey Anonymous. Be a frickin' man. Roll her over, spit on it and slide it in. Doesn't matter if she's sleeping. It should be like Cable TV. ON DEMAND!

Anonymous said...

Great stuff! I look forward to part 3. By the way you know there is a no-scalpel procedure that involves no incisions and no stitches, just a tiny hole punch. Might be too late for you to look into that but a lot of urologists offer it, I had it and it was a piece of cake. But from what I hear the standard procedure is not too bad either.

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