An introduction to me

Okay, so before we get started on this whole mess, let me introduce myself.

I’m a 39-year old father of two.

I’m balding and short.

I wear glasses, have a smallish penis, and I ejaculate prematurely.

(sshhh…if you listen closely you can hear the ladies swooning as they read this (“What a catch!”))

What business do I have writing a blog? None, really...none at all. Other than the fact that I can’t stand most things in the world, have a fairly bleak outlook of myself, but consider myself funny. I enjoy my alone time (I’m single-handedly supporting the Kleenex company with my alone-time), as I have very little patience for real people.

I actually own a shirt that says, and I swear this is true:

Front: I hate people
Back: I hate you

It’s a real crowd-pleaser. I wear it to church as an ice-breaker.

So how did this get started? Greed, actually. Someone approached me to start a blog for their website that they’re creating purely to make money (as all ventures should be started). I have no idea if I’m going to get a piece of this pie, but I’m shooting for it. If this blog disappears soon after it starts, then you know I was getting screwed on the royalties.

So the questions are:

1) Why will you want to keep coming back and reading what I’m writing about?
2) Why do you give a shit?
3) Why do I give a shit?
4) Hey..this belt doesn’t match this shirt.

To be honest, I’m not sure why you’ll read these things. Suffice it to say that I think about a lot of things in my free time - most of which is completely twisted, deranged and psychotic. My mind is constantly thinking about sex..or some way I can turn casual conversation into an attempt at getting sex…or changing some phrase into a sexual meaning (like, when you hear someone say “shocker”, and all you can think about is that hand-thingy where you stick your finger in a girl’s bum). When your mind works this way, and you hear a girl say ‘shocker’, it really lets the conversation take on a whole new meaning.

I’ve been trying this method of twisting conversation to sex topics on my wife for 11 years of marriage, and she hasn’t bitten yet. This is why I watch Cinemax porn. Speaking of which, here’s my first helpful tip: If you have TIVO or DVR, and choose to watch Cinemax porn, make sure you DELETE it after you watch it…otherwise, you’ll come home one day and your kids will be watching “The girl with sex-ray vision”…thinking it was some sort of superhero movie. You will then need to explain this to your wife, who NOW has an idea of what you’re doing after she goes upstairs to bed. And all this time she thought you were finishing watching the game, when you were really sitting on the couch bopping your bishop, finishing yourself, with the mute button on.

I’m hoping that some of you find these neurotic, frantic, psycho-sexual rants entertaining enough to keep reading. If you’re offended at reading the word “balls” a lot, this blog isn’t for you. For some reason, the blogs I currently have written all center around testicles. I’m not sure why…this is just how they end up.

During this experiment, you’ll engage in such wonderful topics as:

1) Things that piss me off (like..being behind people on the highway)
2) Things that REALLY piss me off (like being behind old Chinese people on the highway)
3) Things that I think are funny, that other people don’t (read: professional people who stutter in meetings)
4) Sex (getting some…not getting some…and any tips you may have for me)
5) The art of making a good poo
6) What is in our water that’s making teenage girls get gigantic tits these days?!? I feel like a pedophile.
7) ..and of course…balls (again..not sure why) – including, but not limited to, my impending vasectomy and subsequent adventures in man-scaping.

If you have something that you’d like to discuss, or like my personal view on, by all means – go ahead. I will most likely ignore you, but feel free to post anyway. I have my own agenda here, and it’s all about the nookie…or at least just talking about it.