Vegetarians - the other white meat | Mental Poo

Friday, September 28, 2007

Vegetarians - the other white meat

I had a comment left on one of my blogs the other day that said, and I quote:

“A crazy vegetarian pointed me to your site.”

I’m not sure if I personally know this crazy vegetarian or not. In fact, I’m not sure that I know ANY vegetarians. If I DO know a vegetarian, then they are a stealth vegetarian who has flown under my meat-loving radar. A true "crazy vegetarian" if there ever was one.

I don’t have anything against vegetarians – Hell, eat whatever you want. I’m sure, out there somewhere in the world, is a cardboardatarian who only eats boxes. Listen, I don’t care what you eat. Enjoy your leafy greens or fruits or cardboard or whatever. It’s your bowel movement you’ll have to deal with, not mine.

I just don’t want YOU caring what I eat.

I like meat. I like to eat lots of meat. My colon is probably jam packed full of the stuff. In a year from now, I will have to have my first colonoscopy. I’m assuming when the doctor peeks in there with his camera, he's going to see a replica of the meat packing plant where Rocky trained…just giant slabs of beef hanging from my colon rafters. There may even be a little tapeworm in there with his little tapeworm hands wrapped up, wearing American flag boxers, taking jabs and practicing body shots.

It’s at this point in the examination that the room will start to fill with the odor of delicious barbeque.

I realize that there are a lot of reasons for becoming a vegetarian. Some people are disgusted in the fact that they’re eating an animal. Others are disgusted at the way these same animals are treated before they land on my plate, and they eat vegetables as a sort of protest against the meat industry. Others might simply not like meat – I don’t know how this is possible, but it IS possible. Others do it for health reasons, and the whole “red meat” thing.

Personally, I couldn’t do it.

Years ago, my wife (she wasn’t my wife then) and I were leaving a movie theater and walked across the parking lot to have dinner at an Outback Steakhouse (or, as vegetarians call it: HELL). As we were walking up, we noticed an ambulance out front with it's lights flashing. A crowd was gathered holding the door open.

A few seconds later, out came the gurney in a rush. A large man was laying on it, shirt open, as it rolled out - one man pulling and one man pushing. A third man sat on this guy’s chest, and was delivering feverish blows to get his heart pumping. He jumped off, and they loaded the guy into the ambulance and sped away.

The crowd looked at each other in disbelief.

Everyone was silent as we stood in the entrance.

The hostess glanced up at me, with her mouth covering an “Oh my God…”

I remember what I then said to her. I remember it with every last detail…as we tried to take in the breadth of the emotional scene we had just witnessed:

I looked at her, and said:

“Two, please. Non-smoking.”

Yep. We went right on inside, and I believe I had a 16-ounce prime rib…medium-rare. I think the wife had a burger.

That guy might be alive today...or he might have died. I have no idea. What I DO know is that up until his heart yelled “ENOUGH!”, that this guy was enjoying himself…probably eating a 20-ounce porterhouse with au jus dripping down his chin, as he reached in for another helping of Bloomin’ Onion strips.

I don’t want to die eating a salad or a carrot stick or a bowl of tofu. If I’m going to go because of something I ate, it damn well better be beef. That’s how I’d like to go.

I’d choose that way, or by being smothered alive by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Either one of those two ways is fine.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

mmmm i really want some steak now AND dallas cowboys cheerleaders!

Anonymous said...

But I don't want to die in the steak house!

I want to die........well a happier way.

Anonymous said...

Rod, Maybe you and your meat eating colon need this:

Let me know when you send your pictures in.

Have a blessed herb day!

Anonymous said...

I love the blatant irreverence... in your face wicked... fantastic... from one meat lover to the next.... thanks for stopping by...

P.S. Linking to your site from mine... Appreciate the comment...

P.P.S. So heartwarming to know you have created your utopia... sounds like you are living the dream...



Michelle Hix said...

ahhh, yes, you like meat...and this comment won't make sense unless someone has read your "M" word post!

Moooooog35 said...

Wow. Did I attack you?

Seems all that beta-carotine has gotten your panties in a bunch, there, Dacho.

What facts will you spit in my face? That cow is delicious? That everything goes better with bacon?

And will your spit smell like a garden salad?

Dude, I could give a rat's ass if the chicken responsible for this wonderful tangy buffalo wing I just ate was pissed on by an illegal immigrant before his head was removed with a rusty saw.

All I know is that I thank God for buffalo wings, cheeseburgers, bacon, veal parmigian and the instruments of death and torture used to bring these wonderful goodies to my plate.

Fucking ay. Now I'm hungry.

Anonymous said...

"Wow. Did I preach you?"

You didn't attack me, and that's why I responded in quiet civilised manner, but yea, now you're attacking AND insulting me, for no apparent reason. And about the facts, that was more like "if you try to give me 'we're supposed to eat meat' crap, 'god gave us meat' and stuff like that", not if you say that you just don't care at all, and have no counscious at all - if that's the case (and obviously it is), then I don't have any arguements and I don't have much to say.
Oh, and FYI, there's other vegetarian food besides garden salad, I don't eat that at all.

Moooooog35 said...

yeah..tofu sounds fabulous.

Anonymous said...

It's extremely considerate of you to assume that vegetarians only eat tofu and salad.. ever hear of vegetables, fruits, grains?

It's nice to know that there's people out there who are so lacking in brain cells that they fail to see the other side of the argument.

Congratulations on your high cholesterol levels, diabetes, heart disease, strokes, and obesity since you sound like a fatty.

Kevenj said...

Wow! First time visiting and I see we have a cat fight going on...should I come back later?

Funny as hell Mooong. Caught you over @ Mike's place.
The bum hasn't cleaned up his room in weeks.

Moooooog35 said...

Wow, Irmiez. You make it all sound so tasty! Grains?!? SIGN ME UP!!

Help yourself to your grains. I'll stick with my meat and potatoes.

And, no, dickwad. I'm not fat. 40 years old. Excellent blood pressure, cholesterol and no health problems that I know of other than some tendinitis in my right bicep. OMG- you're right! I HAVE TENDINITIS!! I MUST..STOP..THE KILLING!!!

5'2" tall, 157 pounds and 11% body fat...if you really must know.

If you'd like some tasteful nudes of myself, I can arrange it.

By the way, went veggo last night. Steak tip salad. Does that count?


Moooooog35 said...

By the way, all you stupid vegetarian fuckwads who keep thinking I hate you because you hate apparently glanced over THIS part of the post:

"I don’t have anything against vegetarians – Hell, eat whatever you want. I’m sure, out there somewhere in the world, is a cardboardatarian who only eats boxes. Listen, I don’t care what you eat. Enjoy your leafy greens or fruits or cardboard or whatever. It’s your bowel movement you’ll have to deal with, not mine.

I just don’t want YOU caring what I eat."

As soon as you cross the line calling me 'killer' and shit like that, you set me off.

Let me eat my slaughtered animal in peace, and I'll let you tend to your celery and shit.

Otherwise, you're in for a shitstorm you can't win...because EVERYONE knows that vegetarians aren't funny. Something to do with lack of animal protein.

I read that.

I wrote it down and I read it.

I believe everything I read.

Anonymous said...

"As soon as you cross the line calling me 'killer' and shit like that, you set me off."

Truth hurts, eh?

By the way, interesting how you didn't let my comment through. Didn't know what to respond on that one, I suppose, so better not to make even more of a moron out of yourself.

Moooooog35 said...

Dacho, Dacho man:

I have no clue what you're talking about regarding your 'other comment.' I can only assume the cucumber you had for lunch has made you delusional.

Yeah..truth hurts. I'm a killer.


No worries. I'll keep it up as long as animals remain delicious.

Thanks for letting me know the lifestyle and 'I am right' attitude that I'm missing out on. You're really quite the ambassador for your cause.

Anonymous said...

It's not an attitude. It's a fact. Or are you really saying you're not a killer? If you pay a hitman to kill someone, that doesn't mean you're innocent, you're guilty just as he is. So why is it different for paying a slaughterhouse to kill the cow for you?
And after your "yea...tofu sounds fabulous" comment, I replied, don't remember exactly what, but there was something along these lines: "Yea, because tofu is the ONLY food besides dead animals.". For a while there was an "awaiting moderation" thingy above it, and then the comment tottaly disappeared. Nice little tactic you have there, publish only those comments that you can somehow reply to.

Moooooog35 said...

Listen, Dacho,

I'm not sure what's gotten your panties all up in a bunch, but two things:

1) I enable moderation on posts older than 14 days so I don't get comments from "bike parts" and "ski rentals" and shit like that.

Is that okay with you? Because God forbid I do anything that's not okay with you. You being so sensitive and shit.

This post is over a year old. That means it's over 14 days - figured I'd do the math for you.

Since I own Google, I have this supreme power to employ this "tactic." You figured me out!

2) No, I'm not a killer. The guy in the slaughterhouse is.

If I pay someone to kill someone...then, sure...I'd be as guilty as they were.

So, I see your analogy.

Kind of.

Because I'm not going to eat the fucking person.

If I was, say, a lion...and could pay another lion to kill people so I could eat them, then I wouldn't say I'm a killer.

I wouldn't want to put the bolt in the cow's head...or behead the chicken...or slit the lamb's throat.

That's why I got a college degree. So other people can do that shit for me.

Like I said - I don't care what you eat. I really, don't.

Just don't get into my face about what I eat and how I go about doing it.

We could do this dance for the next 20 years and, you know what? You're not going to change my mind and I'm not going to change yours.

Enjoy your veggies, I'll enjoy my steaks medium-rare, and we'll both be happy.

Anonymous said...

Haha, OK, I'm really sick and tired of your bashing, so I'm just gonna drop it here. And no, I wasn't trying convert you at all, but I see why you were so bitchy if you thought I was, just scroll up and look how did it all begin.
And nice try to get rid of guilt, hope it works for you. I'm just gonna quote you on "stupid things omnivores say" if you don't mind, thanks <3
Enjoy your medium-rare suffering, see ya in another lifetime, where hopefully, you'll be a cow, and I'll be the no-degree slaughterhouse dude.
(oh, and yea, even though you're making fun of me, that doesn't mean I don't get "comment waiting to be approved" or something like that)

Anonymous said...

Anyway, exactly like this "Your comment has been saved and will be visible after blog owner approval."
OK now, seriously, I'm off.

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