600,000 Horsemen of the Apocalypse | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

600,000 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The newspaper headline said it all last night.

They're on their way...

...about 600,000 of them.

They descend from all parts of the globe...and there's no stopping them.

They come…to look at trees.


600,000 idiots coming to look at trees.

To set the stage, let me first say that up here in New England, winter is fast approaching.

I know this for a few reasons:

1) My heat kicked on the other night
2) I closed my pool because it had a higher volume of leaves than water in it
3) I can no longer find my testicles in the morning when I take my motorcycle to work

Riding to work on a motorcycle in fall or spring in New England sucks ass. I drive 32 miles each way - all highway - to get to work…and at 80 mph in 45 degree air, you tend to get cold.

As a result, it takes about 20 minutes for me to coax my testicles back out of their hiding place just to go to the bathroom. I look sort of like Buffalo Bill in the scene from “Silence of the Lambs” when he tucks himself under and you first realize that he wants to be a woman.

But I digress.

Anyway…the onset of the cold also means that – in New England – it’s “fall foliage” time. For those of you in the South reading this (where winter consists mainly of your decision to either “wear flip flops or sneakers” with your shorts), fall foliage is the turning of trees from their summertime greens to fall rainbows. Oranges. Reds. Purples. Yellows. It’s beautiful. New Hampshire is filled with visitors who come from across the country to see this miracle of nature.

I'm going to say it again. They come across the country to look at trees (insert "wtf" look here).

I’ve lived in New England all my life. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m USED to seeing this happen every fall…I JUST DON’T GET the draw of the foliage. Really. How exciting can this possible be to PLAN A TRIP around it? What do these people talk about in the car as they drive through the mountains?

Old man: “Wow honey…I think it…yes…it is…it’s a yellow leaf!”
Old man’s wife: “You’re right. Ooooh (looking through binoculars)…that one’s red!”
Old man: “HOLD THE PHONE, Gladys…it’s not JUST red…but BRIGHT red!”
Old man’s wife: “Score!”

(they high-five each other…the woman breaks her hip)

…later on, while staying at a motel in northern New Hampshire where only one local resident has teeth, they have old-people leaf-peeping sex on a vibrating bed covered with red maple leaves…

What are they looking at? How exciting can a leaf be? Did these people not have coloring books or crayons as children, where all of these colors (even more) are not only visible…but actually USABLE? These aren’t NEW colors they’re discovering here…they’re the same colors that have been around since God invented the Crayola company…

I just don’t get it.

If these people want the full foliage experience, they can come to my house and rake up my yard full of this vibrant color…put all that wonderful color in a black trash bag…and take that sh*t home with them.

I’d do it, but I’m busy still looking for my testicles.


Mr and Mrs Knutzen said...

I totally agree. I live in Seattle and we have the same season's, however not many people come watch the leaves here because it is raining so damn much. But anyways, it is the same when tourists have to take a picture of a Starbucks (not even the first Starbucks in history, just a plain ol Starbucks). I hear them say "Honey, lets take a picture of a Starbucks in Seattle, that would be so funny for our scrapbook!" No it wouldn't...they all look the same. Get over it!

Oswegan said...

Come on guys and girls, I know winter's approach can be deppressing, but the fall colors - its just the anthocyanins and carotenoids back for their annual showing - and they're kinda pretty.

Sorry about the balls.



Anonymous said...

Tehy're cold because YOU shaved them!

I have to go put on my flip flops. 81 degrees in NC today.

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