It was Scarlett Johansson.
A friend of mine shot me an Instant Message the other day, saying she had seen Scarlett Johansson at the Houston airport.
Me, at this point, being completely speechless about actually SEEING her (as I formerly believed that someone that hot could only exist via airbrushing), started grilling her on it. My friend said that she was wearing some glasses to disguise herself, but that she knew it was Scarlett when she overheard her talking on her cell phone. They were so close to each other, that they brushed shoulders.
She said that she neglected to ask her for her autograph, but – and here’s the good part – she did manage to get a picture of her.
I feel shifting in my loins. Boinnnggg!!!!
I immediately asked for the picture. Holy crap. A true to life picture of the goddess, Scarlett Johansson. I’m immediately considering making this my new desktop wallpaper. I'm expecting my inbox to provide me with something like this:
...my Inbox says "New Mail." Here it is...I open it...my pulse quickening...
...and I see the actual picture:
No doubt here that I’m looking at Scarlett Johansson. How could it be anyone else?
What makes this all the more legitimate is the giant finger in front of the lens, giving it validity (i.e., like providing scale to a video of a UFO behind trees). You can almost see Scarlett’s pouting lips if you squint hard. Of course, you need to be in the CIA with advanced zoom and picture clarification equipment…but once you manage to equip yourself and run these scans, you really can tell it’s Ms. Johansson. Actually, instead of squinting you’re probably better off closing your eyes completely and just visualizing Scarlett. In my imagined image of her, there’s no giant finger...(okay…that’s a lie).
Personally, I’ve only brushed into greatness a couple of times. I’ve run into a few Boston sports legends (Manny Ramirez, Tim Wakefield, Ray Bourque (twice)), one sports announcer (Gary Thorne of ESPN in Dallas), and one supermodel.
The supermodel in question was Christie Brinkley.
A long time ago, when my wife and I were first dating, I took her to see Billy Joel in concert. At the time, Billy Joel was married to Christie Brinkley (how this marriage ever happened after I tried to intervene is beyond me).
Regardless, being the cheap bastard that I am, we had crappy seats. Our seats were floor level…but WAAAAY in the back…near the control panel. With both of us being just over five feet tall, we spent the entire concert up on our chairs. Unfortunately, so was everyone else, so we still couldn’t see shit.
Near the end of the concert, I happened to turn around. There, at the control panel, was Christie Brinkley. THE Christie Brinkley. MY Christie Brinkley. The very same Christie Brinkley who had adorned the space over my waterbed in poster form for years. The exact same Christie Brinkley responsible for my mother asking, “Son, do you have a cold? You’ve gone through an awful lot of tissues.”
I was dumbfounded…completely in awe. I spent the next fifteen minutes of the concert with my back to the stage…staring her down.
I’m not sure how my wife was reacting, because at this point I think I forgot she was there.
With Billy’s encore approaching, Christie started to move. I watched her step down from the control panel area, and start walking up the aisle. MY aisle. She was coming right towards me. Oh..my…God…here she comes….
And with my pheremones-a-flyin’, I lost control as she passed within two feet of me.
I screamed her name SO LOUDLY that she actually jumped and put her hand to her heart. I scared her. I scared her enough that she almost had a heart attack. I somehow managed to yell so loudly that I not only drowned out the music of the concert, but I probably made her pee a little.
She looked at me, startled. Then she mouthed, “Hi” and waved at me. I felt dizzy.
I spun around, all proud of myself (she said “Hi” to ME!!) and looked at my wife.
Yep…she wasn’t amused. Actually, she looked kind of mad and a lot of embarrassed.
That was the night I met my “Uptown Girl.”
I also think it was the night that my wife tore apart my Christie Brinkley poster.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
It was Scarlett Johansson.