I Experimented in College...I think...Maybe...God, I hope not. | Mental Poo

Friday, October 26, 2007

I Experimented in College...I think...Maybe...God, I hope not.


As I mentioned in my restaurant blog, I used to be a chef.

When I went to college, I worked part time as a cook (versus “chef”) at a local racquetball club. Here, I watched all the healthy, energetic and fit people finish up with their aerobics, weight-lifting and squash…

…wander right up to the bar, and have 5 beers and a fried chicken sandwich…

..with fries. SO worth the money to join a gym.

...but I digress...

My boss at the club happened to be gay. He also happened to be Jewish.

I don’t remember actually knowing that many Jewish people back then. In fact, he may have been the first.

I remember I was working a Friday night, and he had to leave by 4 pm. I asked why, and he said he needed to be home before sunset.


I looked at him and said, “Why…are you a vampire?”

Hindsight being 20/20, I now know I should have asked if he was a werewolf…as he would have been OUT at night, and in during the day if he was a vampire. Sometimes I’m so stupid trying to make fun of people.

Anyway, he was gay. Flamboyantly gay. ANNOYINGLY gay.

It didn’t really dawn on me how gay he actually was until he decided to go to a Cher concert (yes, Cher) with a female bartender and her boyfriend, a gigantic burly-manly fireman from the town.

I remember seeing the fireman the following week. When I asked him how the concert was, his faced just dropped in this dejected “…why are you making me talk about this..?” look.

As it turns out, the three of them got pretty drunk at the concert. They were having a great time, the three of them all sitting together…enjoying the music…dancing…

That is, until my gay boss starts yelling at the top of his lungs:

“SO-DO-MY!! SO-DO-MY!!!”

How my gay boss got out of there alive without a fireman’s boot stuffed up his ass is beyond me.

Anyway… back to college. I attend, but I’m not living there my first year. My friend Spike, however, does live in the dorm. As is typical college fashion, there are insane parties every Thursday night. And, as was my custom, I crashed on Spike’s couch, every Thursday night…

...except...maybe...for one Thursday night...

As usual, I don’t remember much of the night. I remember playing drinking games in a room the size of a cubicle, stuffed with 100 horny teenagers. I remember crashing on Spike’s couch…completely obliterated…

…and that’s where my narrative of the night ends.

From Spike’s point of view, it went like this:

At about 2 in the morning, Spike (on the top bunk of his bed) hears me moan and get up. He looks over and sees me drop off the couch, look at him and say, “I’m going to take a piss.

He says, “Okay.”

I stumble out the door.

…and I never return.


...ever…

He goes back to sleep (thanks, buddy).

Back to my narrative…

So, I wake up in the morning on the couch, with the absolute worst headache I’ve ever had. I sit up on the couch and open my eyes…

…things start to get into focus after a few minutes…

“…hmmm…this room doesn’t look familiar…”

The furniture was wrong. The lighting was wrong.

…and my chest feels scratchy.

I look down...

I’m wearing a sweater.

I don’t own a sweater.

I turn my head and look over at the bed. From the top bunk, some guy I’ve never seen before is staring at me…interested.

Good morning,” he says.

???

His narrative:

At a little after 2 a.m., he’s interrupted in his slumber by the sound of his door opening. He looks up to see me, stumbling all over the place, walk into his room.

He watches as I make my way through his room and stumble over to his couch.

Here, I reach down on his floor, grab one of his sweaters, and pull it over my head. Mmmmm….comfy….

I then lay down on his couch, and pass out.

He shrugs his shoulders, and goes back to sleep (…how many people would do this? Only in college after a party).

After he tells me the story, I head back to Spike’s room who is now awake, and wondering where I was. I can tell he’s really concerned, because after I disappeared he only slept for 7 more hours.

He then looks at the sweater. A hint of recognition comes over him...his eyes widen...

Um….who’s room were you in?”

I don’t know,” I said. “Room 415.”

His face turns to subtle shock. Then he starts laughing.

That’s Ken’s room,” he says. Then...a pause...

Dude…he’s gayer than gay.”

I look at him. I blink.

I’m thinking, “Oh….no….


I passed out...he's gay…I’m wearing his sweater…and I don’t remember any of it.

I’m praying to God that Ken’s narrative was right.

..although..I’ve always been curious why my farts no longer make noise.

23 comments:

cardiogirl said...

Oh moooog (how do you remember how many Os are in moooog?) that's classic.

The best I can come up with is when my roommate passed out in the hallway in front of our dorm room. Someone outlined her in white masking tape, so after she got up (the next morning) it looked like someone had died there and all that remained was the "chalk" outline.

Good times.

Sara Sue said...

Trust me ... no matter how drunk you get, you *know* when you've had ass sex, all day.

How are *the boys*?

Malach the Merciless said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Emmy said...

I love reading your posts :) HeHe

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Did your corn hole squeek after that night?

I bet you walked around all puckered up at the mere thought of what could have happened.

Joey Polanski said...

So do my what, exackly?

missThinspiration said...

Your just too funny!!

sxdiva said...

I really was going to accuse you of finally "coming out", but I deleted my off color commentary out of pure respect.

So I shall make no inferences here.
xoxox.

roentarre said...

So politically wrong but so entertaining. Fantastic blog!

The Sports Mama said...

So what I think I'm going to like best about reading your blog? The fact that it seems you can seamlessly jump subjects without missing a beat!

LOVE.THAT.

:)

NOTHING TO SEE HERE :O said...

Hahaha I love the pictures here :D

rs27 said...

Isn't the real question why he gave you a sweater?

Because if he was gay wouldnt he give you a leather vest or something?

I saw it in the movies once.

Titania Starlight said...

You made my day. I love coming here everyday to see what you have revealed. Glad your butthole is still virgin. What a scare! :o)

clairec23 said...

Yeah...I really do think you would know.

Did you give the jumper back?? Boys think you like them when you take their clothes :)

Emmy said...

I have been tagged with another meme but this time it is 'List of 7'. This is were you must list 7 things that people might not know about you so they can get to know you better. and pass it on to 7 people. so I've tagged you. check my post http://emmysmindinside.blogspot.com/ you will find the details there. Thanks and have fun. :)

whatagem said...

When your farts stop sounding like this...

phhhbbbbbtttt

and instead sound like this....

hoooooooooooo

Then you know.




PS LOVE the continuing Photo Shop pics! Makes me wanna run out and get some software.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

You are a homo, yes, yes, BURN!

moooooog35 said...

Hey Emmy...already did my 7 useless facts:

http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com/2007/10/seven-useless-facts.html

..now, I'm going to go have dinner..and eat my corn on the cob the long way.

..ever since that Thursday night in college, that's how I crave it.

Tish said...

*LOL*

Thanks for the laugh! What a story! My bet is that Ken's story is right. :)

Have a wonderful night!

Tish said...

I've presented you with an award. Check it out on my blog. :)

Vanessa said...

Haha, awesome post : )

daddio73 said...

hi there just happened across your blog by chance,,hoe very very entertaining,, you have a wicked sense of humour,and a slightly twisted warped take on life which is just perfect,,you made my day,, thank you,,david,, london,, england

Gauche said...

HA! bless you, Moog. That was great!

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