Great Balls of Ice | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Great Balls of Ice

Well, it's over.

At approximately 11:30 a.m., on October 25, 2007, I took two shots of novacaine to my testicles.

Shortly thereafter, they were cut open, ripped apart, cauterized and then sewed back up. My first and only vasectomy, is officially over.


(insert sarcasm here).

Right now, I'm sitting here now watching hockey and waiting for the World Series Game 2 to start...with a giant bag of ice on them.

To the guys out there:'s nasty.

If you've never taken a needle to the nut and are in line for one, GET OUT OF THE LINE NOW.

The needle hurts. It hurt A LOT. Interestingly, it hurt a LOT more in my right nut than my left...I guess Righty is a much more sensitive, caring ball.

The third time I nearly kicked the doctor in the head with my right knee, he started to get perturbed. So, instead of attempting murder-by-kneecap for a fourth time, I decided to suck it up and take it.

Here's the thing...once they're numb, the whole procedure took, like, 10 minutes.

The absolutely most disturbing part was the cauterization...seeing smoke coming from your crotch is...well...interesting. I've only seen this once - when I accidentally used Ben-Gay instead of KY for masturbating.

The smell of a burning nutsack has turned me off to grilling for a while. I'll be boiling my bratwurst in water or beer now for a few months, at least.

...all of this happened as my bloody, well-manscaped junk hung out in the open for the doctor and his nurse. I wasn't expecting the nurse. I was hoping for a lesbian assistant or something...but NO.

Anyway, I'm not sure which part of the following two things that happened was more disturbing:

1) The doctor, upon removing my towel and seeing my shaved crotch, looks at me and says, "Hey...nice job down there!"




2) The doctor and the nurse start a conversation on guys coming into the office all manscaped. They comment on a 22-year old who came in the day before. The nurse looks at the doctor, her face lights up, and she says:

"Wow..he was NICE looking."

Great. Now I know (KNOW) my little guys are part of some global junk-comparison between patients. I wonder who won the pool on me.

(In the backroom, a nurse checks her square and jumps up yelling, "It's me! It's me! I had 5 inches length and 2 inches girth!")


Anyway, big thanks to everyone for their well-wishes. I'm settling in tonight to watch Game 2 of the World Series (go Sox!) with a partly frozen crotch. I'll be popping my first Vicoden around 9:30.

Ice in my crotch.


World Series.

Wife waiting on me hand and foot (thanks, hon!)...

..other than getting my nuts sliced open, not a bad day, really.


robr said...

huh... you got off easy. 10 minutes and smoke? mine was 40 minutes and staples. at least i didnt need to wear a cup.

Anonymous said...

If you didn't hear them laughing as you left then you must be up in the top 10.

Ummmm not too sure the term "hang in there" is appropriate at this time so......

See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!

Tawnya Shields said...

OMG! There is nothing funny about going through that. What buttholes you had doing your surgery. Totally unprofessional. :o(

Hope the boys feel better soon.

Kevin Patrick Gannon said...

Wow. Intense.
I am really, really sorry that you had to see your own testicles emit smoke. No man should have to see that. Just remember: it is for a greater cause.
I just came across this and I am actually glad I did. I don't know why, but I feel a little safer now. If a man can get over a his ballsack being sliced, proded, set ablaze and sewn back up, I can't imagine anything being that much worse.
good work.

Chickie said...

Did you get to keep the testicles?

Emmy said...

Oh I am thinking of you, not in that way ;) I hope you are ready to rock soon. And I hope righty is ok.

Anonymous said...

glad it went well.. was hoping you would do a quick recap.. yeah my hubby said the needles hurt the worst.. glad you took one for the team though! now go relax (insert sarcasm) and don't freeze the nuts off completely!

Elise said...

I guess if I were looking at men's privates all day I'd have to compare too. For the nurse, who works day in day out down there, to say "he was nice!" enthusiastically, then I guess the 22 year old must have had one pretty looking private!

Anonymous said...

You're really going to milk this for all it's worth aren't ya? Poor wifey...

FreeOscar said...

I'm glad I'm not a man. Poor nuts!
I'm glad is went well for you & you won the pool!

Moooooog35 said...

Thanks everyone. So far, so good. My nuts are still the same size, although thanks to the ice they continue to migrate up into my lower stomach to try to stay warm.

Stupid nuts.

Unless something drastically bad happens, I'll be resuming my normal posts about poop and pee and embarrassing myself shortly.

Unknown said...

How very ... interesting. I particularly like the idea of the chart and the nurse in back winning.

Sara Sue said...

22 y.o. in there for a vas?? You didn't happen to get his number, did you?

Skryker said...


I've rarely seen a positive side to my own infertility, but now I can say, at least my hubby won't have to see smoke emerging from his crotch.

(hugs) and good vibes for a speedy recovery.

Kitty said...

*Goes off to google 'Ben-Gay'*

Kitty said...

I had to google Ben-Gay. It says it's an 'analgesic rub' - you should maybe have rubbed that on Righty and Lefty to avoid needing the needle? :-p

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. Now, in case you decide you'd like it reversed, here's what to expect......

Anonymous said...

I did not want to mention it yesterday, but that friend I had referred to in yesterday's post had shared with me this detail.
The smoking pink parts, and smell of roasting nuts.
Glad you made it out alive!

Leah said...

actually, this story should be called:

"Goodness gracious........great balls of fire!"

Little Richie

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I guess you now longer wonder why the Duggar's have about 1000 kids. He's a wuss and can't take one for the team.

Kitty DeMure said...

See...that wasn't so bad. I didn't mention it before, but my husband actually felt the first slice into his sack. I'm sure he had more than a little bit of panic at the time, but he yelped to the DR and everything was taken care of.

prin said...

LOL @ your balls migrating. First they take a needle (or three), then they take a flaming, but ice? Noooo wayyyy. :D

Now get cracking on those 25 pumps or whatever. I'm sure you're in the mood, right?

whatagem said...

I attempted to tell my hubbie the funniest parts of the V-Day post. He wouldn't hear of it. Just covered his ears and sang, "LA LA LA LA LA!"

I still haven't told him about my watching his knee block, pre-surgery. Though I don't really need a reason to clean up any barf right now.

Biscuit said...

Hey, at least you didn't have to squeeze a watermelon out of a swizzle stick :)

JDP said...

Had that done about 15 years ago. I agree it is pure torture. After about six months one of the staples came loose and I was back to shooting live ammo again. Wife went and got her tassles tied, no way I was going through that again!


Nellioness said...

Dear Moooog, my friend, I'm glad you're well now and all is over. It was very interesting to read your detailed vasectomy posts. Now we women know what men experience for us :)

Chin-chin,"Guy wearing jock strap"! ;)

Anonymous said...

Very interesting post,
I really enjoyed and I must say that this interesting post can easily draw the attention of the readers.

Gauche said...

remind me to NEVER, EVER suggest this procedure to anyone, ever. Even jokingly. That sounds horrible. Ugh. What's so horrible about condoms, anyway? just saying.

Ed said...


That sounds pretty bad.

I actually used to assist on these procedures.

There was the same kind of sympathy pain involved as when you see another guy get kicked in the balls.

Thankfully, I an undergoing the new "scalpel free" procedure, which they say doesn't even require pain meds afterwards.

We'll see.

Unknown said...

Just think you could do it like rabbits after you are all healed up.

You're welcome.

Lady Estrogen said...

The end justifies the means... isn't that how it goes?

No grilling for a while -- oh crap, that made me laugh. Thank you for letting me giggle at your expense, because really? No sympathy coming from me, babe. None, whatsoever.


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