My Alphabet of Pain | Mental Poo

Monday, October 22, 2007

My Alphabet of Pain

Well, two separate people have now tagged me for a list titled “Things about me, A to Z.”

I’ll do my best to answer these, although I think I’ll be hard-pressed to get 26 things about me that start with different letters. Anyway, in the interest of getting this over with, here goes:

A – Architect. I have a degree in Architecture. I’ve never made any money with it and barely passed my classes. All I wanted to do was draw, but they wanted me to calculate the strength of concrete (something about people dying if I didn’t do it right). I lost interest as soon as math got involved.

B – Balls. Getting snipped on Thursday (also see “V”)

C – Crotch. Where my balls are (see “B” above)

D – Dick. Next to my balls (also see “B”)

E – Elephantitis. (See B, C and D)

F – Football. Huge Patriots fan. However, I won’t physically go to games because I’m too short, and the really big drunk guy in front of me usually gets pissed when I ask him to sit down so I can see. So, I guess “F” can also stand for “Fraid of Fighting.”

G – Gas. I have no idea what happens at night, but I usually wake up in the morning with 8 cubic feet of gas inside me. Expelling this usually kills my first hour upon waking, and makes me run late for work.

H – Hockey. I have a Boston Bruins tattoo on my back, and finally took my son to his first hockey game a few weeks ago. Here, he asked for a $6 hot dog, and then decided he didn't want it. A $6 hot dog. Six dollars. I can't stop saying it without shaking my head.

I – Igloo. What I’d live in if I lived in Alaska. I have no idea what this has to do with anything.

J – Juggling – I learned to juggle because I thought my kids would get a kick out of it. I’m not very good, and they lost interest quickly. Also, “jumping jacks” - my son can’t do them. It’s like watching Elaine dance on Seinfeld. Hilarious. Poor little uncoordinated guy…why I dragged him into this list, I’m not sure.

K – Knight Rider. One of my favorite shows as a kid. Also, the Hulk, but I used up my “H” already (obscure David Hasselhoff reference: Spongebob Squarepants movie where he cameos – one of the funniest cinematic moments EVER).

L – Lazy. I’m a friggin’ lazy bum. I’d much rather pay someone to do something than actually get off my ass and do it myself. Plus, I suck at doing most things and would rather watch.

M – Money. Best Buy has all of mine.

O – Operation (See “B”, “C”, “D” and “V” for more info)

P – Penis. I have one. Nothing remarkable about it other than it’s been manscaped recently and – I’ve just learned as a result of my manscaping – bends slightly to the right.

Q – Quick. ‘Nuf said about that.

R – Red Sox. If you live in New England and as such you’re obligated, per residency contract, to mention them at least once a day. Also, see “Y”.

S – Short. I’m 5’2” tall. My parents are shorter. My kids are doomed.

T – Television. I love television. My house has 8 televisions in it, including a 60”, 50” and a 15” one in my bathroom (yes, my bathroom). I’ve considered hooking up my XBOX to the one in the bathroom, but my wife says I spend way too much time in there as it is (see "G").

U – Ulcer. I’ve been overthinking this way too much and think I’m getting an ulcer about my…

V – Vasectomy. Thank CHRIST when this thing’s over…although, I wonder if I’ll have to redo this list.

W – Wednesday. The day before my vasectomy…which is on Thursday.

X – Xrays. It’s the only word I can think of that starts with X. Oooh…ooh…wait….”xylophone!”

Y – Yankees SUCK (see "R" for Red Sox requirements). Also, “yak” – which I think is like an ox but I’m not sure. I’ve noticed that this list no longer has anything to do with me.

Z – Zippers. Haven’t worn zipper-fly jeans since the late 80’s. All buttons, baby…all buttons.

There. I’m done (also, see “Q”).


A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

You sound tense...nothing a little knife can't fix later this week. :P

Anonymous said...

Hasselhoff was the STAR of the spongebob movie. Except maybe for Patrick in fishnets...

Cindy Breninger said...

Good luck getting snipped! :)

Moooooog35 said...

AGABAM: Thanks for the knife comment. Always reassuring.

Claire: One of the best movies EVER. I'll often find myself breaking into "I'm a Goofy Goober!" without warning.

Cindy: Thanks for the wishes - although, if you could call my doctor and wish HIM good luck, it would probably be better served.

Anonymous said...

you know we threw a vasectomy party for my friend after he was snipped, clipped, and fixed. We made him a giant pinata of sack and filled it with bandaids, ice packs, pain relievers, and such things. Its cruel I know. Any excuse for a party, any excuse to torture an already suffering friend. From what I have heard it isn't too bad....then again, I do not have balls. Not literally anyhow.
FYI I happened upon your tags for my page, and might I say, you are breaking my heart. LOL I do my best.
much luv~d

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice, I will pretend you tagged me for this one too.

Porsche said...

I was trying not to leave anything mean about the redsox on my blog but since u brought it up.....Yankees rule, Red Sox Drool!

Tawnya Shields said...

That's it.. I am addicted to your very talented poop. I don't think I know too many talented poops.
You are one of the best.Glad I found you.

I cannot pinpoint one single thing to comment on in this post because....... it is allll good. :o)~

I'll be back.

tom said...

Can't all of the letters somehow stand for the Yankees sucking? I know it was supposed to be about you, and all, but still.

Anonymous said...

Am a new visitor so have just read the last few posts-hilarious :)

Anonymous said...

Ha I love that song! My son is only 3 and he keeps scratching the damn dvds so I've bought the spongebob movie like 4times now :)

DubLiMan said...

You are an absolute mess, but then again, I knew that before this post.

prin said...

T - TMI, as usual. :D

Ok, so the big V might be scary for your little P, but think of how hot you'll feel when you can go around asking random women to "kiss your owie better". Ok, so they might run screaming, but you can always use the M go get you out of jail.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

I totally want to write 26 Things About Me, A to Z.

However, my alphabet includes N.

Anonymous said...

As Dr Freud would say: Very interesting and curiously funny blog. Much in keeping with my own slightly twisted sense of humor.

I am especially interested to know where you got the neat widget that displays posts by title instead of just by date.

Anonymous said...

Does it bend to the right from YOUR perspective or your WIFE'S perspective. You know, your right would be her left.

Just curious.

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