I think I’m falling a little behind in my parenting skills.
There are a couple of key indicators that show you may be failing your children in certain aspects of life. I’ve come across of few of them this past week.
...let's go over a few.
#1: Your child knows the Toyota “Ask Somebody” jingle
Clear indicator here that they’re spending WAY too much time in front of the television. If your child is walking around the house, as my daughter was, singing “..ask somebody…ask somebody…”, then they need to move away from the television.
Although, this is a clear indicator that my daughter my well be aware of the higher resell value of imports over domestics.
I’m surprised by my kids being able to sing commercial jingles, because I usually try to balance out my kids television time with other activities like XBOX 360, Wii, and my favorite: “let’s shave the dog.”
#2: Your child swears
This one also falls under the category, “Why kids are unintentionally funny.”
I was driving my four year old to gymnastics last Saturday, and we were stopped at a stop light. My mind started wandering, when I suddenly came to the realization that I left a gigantic, record-breaking poo in the bathroom toilet upstairs, and neglected to flush. This was not a normal poo. It was a surface-breaker. Horror ensued as I pictured my wife going to the bathroom up there and lifting the lid, only to bear witness to the BM from Hell.
“F*CK”, I said.
From the back seat, my four year old son looked up and in a quiet, young boy’s voice, said, “F*ck.”
The problem here is that you no only have to stifle the laugh (which is normal when hearing a four-year-old say "f*ck"), but you have to THEN go through the explanation on why it’s NOT okay to say it...and that you made a mistake. I’m sure that, at four years old, this concept escapes them.
It’s right then that I look up and say, “Oh sh*t, I missed the light.”
The other night he was working the “On Demand” feature of our cable (see point #1), and he did something to screw up. I’m standing next to him, ironing my shirt, when I hear him say in a low voice:
For those of you unfamiliar with this word (most prevalent, I think, in New York nd Boston), you can find it's glorious definition here.
Me: “What did you just say?”
My Son: "Meengya"
Me: “Where did you hear that?!”
He looks at me, and with a matter-of-fact face says: “You say it.”
Sonofabitch. He nailed me on it.
#3: Your children have no concept of religion
Some people bring their kids up completely on a religious basis (see “The God Guy”), or mention it casually during life.
I simply neglect to mention it or bring them to church.
My daughter just started her second grade Catholic School, so she’s familiar with some of the teachings (although, I think besides her baptism, she’s stepped foot into a church for mass maybe twice).
My son though, believes that the church we drive by ("drive by" vs. "go in") is where – and I swear this is true – “Baby Cheez-its” lives.
He thinks the Son of God’s name is Baby Cheez-its. I can see his confusion, as Jesus and Cheez-its sound the same.
I have yet to bring him to church there. I haven’t brought him not only for the reason that I can’t stand going to a Catholic mass, but for the main reason that the look on his little disappointed face, when he realizes that a little baby cheese cracker doesn’t live here, will be devastating. I can here him yelling, “Where’s the Cheez-it?” during the middle of the ceremony….and when we tell him the truth, that he’ll turn on religion forever.
He may even – God forbid – turn his back on Nabisco.
Well…I guess there’s one excuse to not go back. Fear of exposing my son to a savior that’s not made out of tasty wheat and processed cheese.
Father of the Year Award, here I come.