My Sticky Icky Advent Calendar | Mental Poo

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My Sticky Icky Advent Calendar

In my final pre-vasectomy post, I mentioned:

"...As previously mentioned, (the doctor in the consultation) said that after the surgery I would need to ejaculate 25 times, and bring in the 26th sample.

...Now, I’ve been trying to figure out once I get this penis-party started how I’m going to keep track of all of this. I mean, it’s obvious to me that my kids will start to question the tally-marks I’m making on the calendar in the kitchen, and there’s no way I’ll be able to explain them away.

...So I’m thinking that instead, I’m going to use one of those Christmas calendars, where you open the doors for every day to Christmas starting at December 1. If I use this method, not only will I be able to keep track of my progress towards number 26, but after every successful pop, I’d get to eat a piece of chocolate.

…After I wash my hands, of course."


My wife, God bless her, took the idea and ran with it. The following is what was given to me when I got home from work last night.

(drumroll)

Ladies and Gentlemen (actually, I guess this could go to either), I present to you, the public unveiling of...

The Whack-A-Cock Masturbatory Advent Calendar (WAC-MAC):



Yes, men - the WAC-MAC allows you to rattle off those required 25 ejaculations, while also enjoying your favorite treat as a reward.

Think of it as the Pavlov's Dog experiment, but with a penis instead of a puppy.

Actually, I'm sure that's a fetish somewhere as well, but it's not how I roll.

..but I digress..

Note the keen eye to detail:



...and two pictures of Mount Vesuvius for added effect:



You'll note that my wife called this "The 25 Joyous Ejaculations Calendar". Although redundant (what ejaculations AREN'T joyous?!), it's quite descriptive. The hard part now is hiding it from my kids...since it has candy AND two pictures of penises.

Anyway, I calculated what this will do to my body...

A 3-Musketeers miniature has 78 calories. There are 24 of them in this calendar.

A 3-Musketeers full-size has 260 calories. There is one here for my grand finale.

(24 x 78)+ 260 = 2132 calories ingested total.

(This is where my years studying math for my Architecture degree pay off....calculating caloric intake for an incessant beating of my bishop. My parents would be SO proud)

I Googled how many calories your burn during sexual activity. Assuming that masturbation can be considered "sexual activity", the results are 6 to 7 calories per minute. If it cannot be calculated as sexual activity, then I may - actually - still be a virgin.

So, I then add this into my equation (I'll calculate the high side of the caloric intake).

(7 calories per minute) multiplied by my "time to completion" (1/2 minute) = 3.5 calories per completed whack.

If I could get myself to go longer than 30 seconds, I'd be much better off. But I'm just SO GOOD at it...damn you right hand...damn you to HELL!


If I add another .5 calorie for getting myself off the couch to get a tissue, we'll round it out to 4 calories for every glue tossed.

So...

4 calories x 25 whacks = 100 calories burned.

So, I take in 2132 calories, and burn off 100.

I'll be fat...but at least I'll be happy. Happy...and a little bit messy.

29 comments:

Biscuit said...

I wont' look at an advent calendar the same ever again.

By the way, when you're done with your wife, can I have her? :)

C.Rag said...

So did you go to Costco for your tissues?

Sara Sue said...

I LOVE YOUR WIFE!!! You've got to get that woman a blog!

If you stand up and pump your butt cheeks while whacking, you may be able to double your *calories burned* number.

cardiogirl said...

O.M.G.

I don't know what to say. Good luck hiding that from the kids.

Wow.

Emmy said...

Your wife rocks. Have fun beating your drum ;)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Now I expect you to keep us updated on this with the candy bars replaced by pics of you beating off.

Happy Yanking!

Kitty said...

The only improvement I can think of would be to put a tissue next to each little chocolate treat. That Calendar is wonderful - take out a patent, quick!

Elise said...

LOL now I've seen everything!

Skryker said...

LOL!

That's very creative. And sweetly thoughtful, in an adult fashion.

Girl in the 206 said...

That is AMAZING!!! Your wife is so sweet!

Emmy said...

My partner jade was cracking up when I showed her this post, you must keep us UPdated.

sxdiva said...

You have again desecrated all that is sacred. I have to keep my little sister away from your blog, although she's become a regular reader. Every year she feels she just has to have one of those calendars. I cannot let her become tainted...I can't.
I'm sending her this immediately.

Unbalanced Libra said...

That? Hilarious!
Love your blog! Keep it up!
Errrrr,the good work with the blog, not the.....yea, you know what I mean!

Sheen V said...

What an awesome idea!! Only could be better if it were a case of beer + 1 (make it a 22 ouncer). Or possibly a BJ & mint calendar - she gives you a BJ and then gets the mint as a chaser. I'll have to remember this if I should ever get snipped.

moooooog35 said...

I'm not sure how you'd attach a case of beer to a calendar...although, it's probably worth a try.

I was very impressed that my wife went to such great lengths (no pun intended) to make this all worth my while.

This has marketing potential written all over it.

Pre-order your Christmas calendar now!

Colonel Colonel said...

You need to market those on the internet.

e said...

I have got to tell you...thanks to you it is official I will never ever have a vasectomy. I will own part of Trojan before I get one.

e said...

Also, I hope you don't mind but I am going to link to you off of my blog.

stuffandstuffso.blogspot.com

Malach the Merciless said...

You have to sell these puppies, you make a million

clairec23 said...

Your wife rocks, really and truely rocks. You are lucky...

I'm still laughing about your daughter's smiley poo face :)

Titania Starlight said...

You are the best. very creative in a strange twisted way. That I like. And oh yes...you made me snort my Coke Zero up my nose. :o)~

Nellioness said...

Sometimes, you simply sweep me off my feet with your damn funny posts :P

PS. Great sense of humor is a part of a man’s charm...

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Dude, hilarious!

I can't stop laughing!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I can't believe all the effort your wife went to...to NOT have sex.

:D

laughing it up....

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Oh Christ, this the funniest thing. Your wife is awesome. I wish she had been around when I had my vasectomy. Wait. That didn't sound right. You know what I mean.

Eve said...

Ok your wife is very cool. Love the saying and the visual effects. You should market these and hook up with a bunch of Dr. offices. You would be rich! What man would not want their favorite treat along with their all time favorite treat.

missyb64 said...

So you haven't updated, how you doing with the Ick-vent calendar? Are you limited to only one per day? Does Costco have a discount for the pallet size container of kleenex? These are burning questions! Inquiring minds want to know!

Chickie said...

That is fantastic. She should sell them to guys leaving the hospital after their vasectomy.

daddio73 said...

thanks 4 leaving me a comment, i may think of selling that recipe to the vietnamese nation,,
chappy you are what we call in england a certified fruit cake,,
i cant wait 4 the next installment,
oh and thanks 4 giving me the faith that some 1 has read my blog, i may add 2 it now,,

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