Poo Marbles and Mona Lisa | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Poo Marbles and Mona Lisa

One of the worst things about having my vasectomy, is the knowledge that I will no longer be able to spawn any more kids.

On the other hand...

One of the best things about having my vasectomy, is the knowledge that I will no longer be able to spawn any more kids.

I love my kids. I do. But enough is enough with the two of them. In fact, if you're interested, they're free to a good home.

Had my children been born at, say, the age of 4, then I'd gladly go forth in trying to create more. However, since they actually come out looking like tiny little versions of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, I'll pass.

Thanks to my adventures in fatherhood, I've actually considered writing a book entitled:

Things I never thought I'd say, until I became a parent.

Here are a few that I can remember saying to my kids:

1) Don't eat your foot.
2) The dog is not a toy!
3) Get off of your sister! (although, I believe this is common conversation in Southern states)
4) Hooray! You made a poo!

It's the last one that gets me. Under no circumstances, growing up as a teenager, would I ever consider being more excited to see someone's poo other than my own (my own poo still holds a sentimental place in my heart...um...actually...my colon).

Baby poo is disgusting. Right out of the chute, baby poo resembles tar and smells like - if I may be so bold - Armageddon. Once again, the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse - Stinky - rears his ugly head.

As they grow older, though, you enter the realm of solid poo. There is a significant difference between my child's "solid poo" and my own "solid poo."

Whereas, I consider it a challenge every morning to create the longest continual strand of poop possible (i.e., no "breakage"), my kids tend to poo in marbles. I'm not sure if this is because ALL kids poo little marbles...or if it's because I only feed my kids acorns.

This presents a problem during the diaper stage. If you have kids, or have been around a kid who's sh*t him/herself, your first sign that something has gone awry is the stench.

*sniff...sniff sniff*

"Oh..mother of GOD...did you poo!?!?" you ask your child.

At which point, you either (a) pick up the child, stuffing their ass into your face or (b) do the stretch-open-the-diaper-leg-hole routine...to take a peek.

If my kids crapped snakes, the open-diaper-leg wouldn't be a problem.

However, they don't....and this means that the open-diaper-leg routine results in tiny little poo marbles pouring out of the diaper leg like a giant poo dam has burst and - subsequently - rolling all over the house.

It's almost like they were waiting to be freed and this is their chance of escape. I spend the next half hour on poo-patrol, and deciding if that's poo on the floor, or my dog's kibble.

When my daughter started potty training, things started to get ugly.

We tried everything, including a potty that made music after the child went in it (I wish I had one of these...how cool would it be to hear a great "TA DA!" after every drop). We also had put a potty in her room, so she wouldn't have to walk very far if she needed to go.

And this is where we found out that she has an artistic side.

What you're looking at here, is not art.

It's poo.

My daughter's poo.

After pooping her little marbles out, my daughter looked down..proud of herself..and decided that it would be a good idea to make her crap into a smiley face. This means that she actually reached down into her potty, grabbing each little poo marble, and deftly crafting this little gem you see here.

So proud. So proud.

That reminds me of another entry for my book:

"Don't play with your poop."


FreeOscar said...

"3) Get off of your sister! (although, I believe this is common conversation in Southern states)"

Sometimes your sister can be really hot. Especially if she's your identical twin & you want to make out with her.

Sara Sue said...

You HAVE to send this to ratemypoo.com!

Moooooog35 said...

C.Rag - you're grossing me out.

Sara...one of THE most disturbing things I've ever seen in my LIFE.

The photo has been submitted. Thanks for your votes!

I've sent this site off to my poo-obsessed friend, who presented me with the term "breakage." He also calls going to the bathroom, "Dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool."

Not politically correct, but funny nonetheless.

Elise said...

My God! I've never known anybody to talk so openly about poo!

Good on you babe! I love how you say what everyone thinks...

PS your daughter sounds cute, stinky but cute

fu said...

your daughters poo is what i used to call gooey rocks or rabbit rocks when my first son was little. that's a sign of too much potassium and calcium. less bannanas. that stuff hurts kids butts. but it's easier to clean than a messy dump.

Skryker said...

Oh, parental sayings!

"Take that chair off of your head! You can't see like that!"-one of mine

"Get the cheese out of your underpants!"-one of my hubby's, said to our daughter as she stashed a snack for later.

Unknown said...

You know I just learned today, as a matter of fact, that in Alaska they sell shellacked moose poop. Did you know that?

Maybe you can get on that bandwagon with your kids's poop and create a side business.

I don't know *who* purchases said item but that demographic might be interested in your product, should you venture into this market.

Anonymous said...

Feed you daughter red peppers and broccolli. She can make shellacked Christmas wreaths for the relatives. I'm told it works really well.

Anonymous said...

Geez and I was impressed my 2 year old could count to 15, knows all her colors, and can sing several songs all on her own.
There is no way she would make such a perfect rendition of a smiley face. Granted, poo is not a common tactile for art, but you have to give the girl props!!

u crack me up! I luv ya for it.

much respect~d

suchsimplepleasures said...

fine, i'll clean your house but, you have to watch all 5 of my kids for a week! even the crazy one!!! fairs fair. by the way...ewww...gross post! but, i liked it. it's always nice to be grossed out by a picture of poop...especially when i'm on my way upstairs to clean the toilets!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

wow ted even has a special name for that type of poo.

lets hope they dont play with their food directly after playing with poo. or at least wash hands in between...

Malach the Merciless said...

Your a fecalphiliac!

I say get off your sister/brother all the time

Malach the Merciless said...

Your a Fecalphilliac!

I am always saying get off your brother/sister, I feel like C. Rag

Moooooog35 said...

Yeah, I was a little disturbed that Ted had a name for that.

I'm more disturbed that Malach rattled off a term for being addicted to poo.

Luckily, my daughter stopped practicing her craft a while ago. Which is good, because at age 7, that would just be disgusting.

prin said...


Bran, maybe?


I'm so disturbed now. No kids for me, thanks.

Anonymous said...

That's not poop that's Raisinetes!

Baba Doodlius said...

A little tip: never play with bird poo - it's really gross. It doesn't stink, though, which is kinda cool.

By the by, stop by my site, I have something for you.


The Thoughts of Chairman Bertie said...

Sure beats the crap out of anything my kids ever did!

Mind you, that picture has put me off chocolate covered raisins for life

Sara Sue said...

LMAO @ SXdiva

Sara Sue said...

fecalphiliac - see South Park (mookie stinks)

Cash said...

I'll poo in your shoes if you want...or if you don't I'll still do it.


linda said...

That was a very confronting poooost.

I only have one child - and made my husband change most of the nappies.

I am very germ phobic (well, that was my excuse anyway)

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