A Bunch of Little Pricks (My Tattoo Adventure) | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Bunch of Little Pricks (My Tattoo Adventure)

My wife has a few tattoos.

She never tells me when she’s getting them…or where they are. She usually gets them during “girls weekends”…

...where I can only imagine Enrique Eglasias as the tattoo guy:

I’ll kill that tattooing bastard if I ever see him.

They’re all small (nothing like a giant dragon down your arm to get me going) and fairly innocuous (a rose, a ladybug). Her second tattoo (the ladybug) was done just above her bum.

I first saw this tattoo about two months after she got it.

I'm not sure what this tells you about sex after children…but you get my drift. It’s much, much better now…so I’m fully expecting to see her next tattoo as soon as she gets it (which, will probably say, “Brad Pitt was here.”)

Anyway, I decided in a fit of whimsy (not sure if using the word “whimsy” gets me kicked out of Man-town), that I’d get a tattoo as well. I couldn’t be the only one in the relationship without one.

I decided to forego the matching ladybug tattoo and instead went with a Boston Bruins logo. My tattoo was supposed to be about the size of a shot glass on the back of my left shoulder. I was a pretty hard-core hockey fan back in the day…so what better than a fitting tribute to my team…

Of course, now they suck ass…but I’m stuck with the f*cking tattoo, so I still have to watch…

Anyway, the idea of getting the tattoo probably wasn’t a good one for a number of reasons:

1) I hate needles
2) I hate pain
3) I hate needles that cause pain
4) I hate the pain caused by needles

..but I decided to do it anyway.

So, being the brilliant little man that I am, I scheduled my tattoo.

As is my luck, my tattoo was scheduled for the hottest day in August in ten years.

It was also done on the top level (third floor) of the tattoo parlor.

Said tattoo parlor had no f*cking air conditioning.

I don't know why sometimes I even bother to wake up. This is how things go for me.

PURE genius.

So there I was, bent over in a 120-degree oven (like a camel in heat) when the pain comes like a billion mosquitos diving in for the kill.




I started sweating…

..great...now I'm hyperventilating…

I’m starting to think that maybe…maybe I’ll tell him to stop now.

I'll just have a tattoo of a few black dots. That should be good enough...

Me to my friends: "Hey, I got a tattoo."
Friends: "Oh yeah? Of what?"
Me: "A few little dots. It looks like freckles."

(scene of unimaginable violence as my friends beat me to death)

Now I’m getting woozy…

I ask him, “How far are you?”

The buzzing stops for a second.

He says, “I’ve got the outline almost done.”



You’ve only done THE OUTLINE?!?

I feel like I’ve been in here for 17 hours being interrogated by Jack Bauer from 24 and he’s only on the OUTLINE?!

(by the way, I only found out what a Prince Albert was the other day...if you don't know...you don't WANT to know...)

Based on what I felt like, I was sure that I’d be stepping out of that chair and seeing an entire replica of The Last Supper scrawled out on my back.


I look at my wife…

Honey…can you get me a soda?”

She shakes her head, looks at me and says (with the tattoo guy right there):

You’re such a pussy.”


Thanks, hon.

Such compassion.


This went on for what seemed like infinity. The tattoo guy (who, incidentally, resembled any one of the trailer-trash crack addicts that you’d see on Cops) had to stop three times because I almost passed out.

When it was over, I had this fancy new sporty Bruins logo sitting on my shoulder.

It looked cool. It looked hip.

It hurt like Hell.

It won’t happen again.

..unless I get a cortisone shot first.


Jeff said...

Yep got my first tatty in Thailand, was way drunk, but luckily it was one I had thought on for a few years and worked out well, being drunk on rum,redbull and coke buckets I opted to go for the traditional bamboo tyle tatt, it pinched a bunch to say the least, but all in all stoked that I did it!
love the theme you have here, total free licence of expression keep it up bro!

Kitty said...

What's a Prince Albert??? I need to know now you've mentioned it! :-p

FreeOscar said...

I'm not a fan of tats except tramp stamps.
I don't like teases. I want to know if you are a tramp & the stamp lets me know.

footiam said...

Maybe your tattoo is not so bad looking. Why not publish in your blog?

Elise said...

A Prince Albert?? I clicked on the label... That looks painful!

Skryker said...

Here's a story for your wife, then. I think she'll appreciate it.

I got my tattoo before it was being done by everyone, especially girls of my age. A few years later, tattoos for guys were becoming the Next Big Thing and I was in a bar where a guy was bragging about how much his bicep tattoo hurt (it was probably about the same size as yours) trying to impress the ladies. So I let him go on until:

"Yeah, it hurt like hell! Ya gotta be a real man to get a tattoo!"

me (all wide eyed): "Really?" *shows 4 coloured tattoo that's 3 times the size of his* "A real man? Well, then, I must be a REAL man, because I didn't think it hurt that much at all."

:D He didn't end up picking up at the bar that night.

[Un]Censored said...

a Prince albert is a tattoo through the head of a man's member, yeah...anyway..I have 6 tattoos...one large lotus around my right ankle, some stonework on my lower back, a star on each shoulder, the godsmack sun on my back between my shoulder blades and a nifty tribal on the back of my neck :)

Wanna know which one hurt worse??

The one around my ankle was a tie with my lower back.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i got my first tattoo on the day i turned 18, a fairy on my lower back. i had to pull down my pants to get it, and all these creepy bikers kept coming and and watching. but i was coked out, so i wasn't THAT concerned.

prin said...

Oh and I heard a prince albert is great for the ladies...;) Just when you thought you'd already sacrificed enough for the wifey, eh? lol

Malach the Merciless said...

You would never make it in the Yakuza

Anonymous said...

yeah i have to agree with the wife, you're a pussy! that spot is one of the easiest spot to get! but to eacvh their own, and we all have different pain tolerances, some of us even like pain!

thanks for linking to me in the previous post! glad to be of service!

Anonymous said...

Well your officially my new favorite person :P... I read your comment on Letsbitch.com (I'm the guy being discussed in the topic). Love the blog also! :)..

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Ha! So how does a mom know about such things as a Prince Albert?

Two summers ago, I went to Haight and Ashbury with my cousin. She decided to get a tattoo and I was her cheerleader. Of course being mom I had the kids with me.

In all fairness, tattoo parlors in San Fran have incredible artists and are very clean sterile places. The woman doing the art was quite amazing.

My son saw a sign that they did henna tattoos and I said sure, go pick one out.

So he was leafing through the tattoo art books. I look over and he is quite sweaty, green and ill.

I took the book out of his hands and saw first hand what a Prince Albert looks like.

It did "cure" him of ever wanting a tattoo or body piercing.

whatagem said...

I'm sans tatts--I'm always afraid I'll hate the tatt once I get it. Seen it happen to ALL my firends.

Speaking of sex after kids, I have a wonderful post you might enjoy.

Chickie said...

I know how you feel about being freaked out that only the outline was done. I have one on my shoulder and I wouldn't stop bleeding so they did the outline and then I had to go back 2 weeks later to finish it. It was hard to go back.

Deon said...

You really cracked me up with this entire blog!

I will be back to read more!

Cindy Breninger said...

When you asked, "not sure if using the word “whimsy” gets me kicked out of Man-town", ummm, it does. Sorry. WELCOME TO THE SISTERHOOD, Sister! :) What size skirt do you wear? I need your measurements so I can get you fitted for your girl uniform. hehe
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com Oh, the cat munchies comment cracked me up.

chrisd said...

Thanks for coming by--that was sweet of you.

I have a low pain tolerance, even after delivering 3 kids.

Plus, I'm "of an age" so I can imagine the stretching and puckering a tatoo would have on this old lady.

Again, thanks for coming by!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure an epidural might not be better for you? That sounds like just the right amount of anesthesia... numb from the neck down. Already commented on tats... just can't do it! Your wife, good for her! Lot's of chicks have ink today... wish I was brave enough.

Kitty DeMure said...

A whimsical Boston Bruins tat? the sissy-ness of a word like whimsy instantly gets canceled out by the sheer fact that hockey is one of the more violent sports out there.

great post, and thanks to your thoughts I'm standing strong in my anti-tattoo position. So you're saving me from a world of hurt--I am forever grateful!

Biscuit said...

You sure get called a pussy a lot ;)

I want one. It's all part of the middle-aged crisis thing I got goin' on.

Emmy said...

I hate needles so much and the thought of a tat would be cool but I could never handle the pain, bravo ;)

Anonymous said...

ah jesus what did you have to post this for?! Everytime I start to work up the courage to get one done, some idiot tells me a story like this and makes me wimp out again, grrr!

My bloke tells me I wouldn't be able for it, I gave birth two times without any fkn painkillers, how painful can a tattoo be????? Don't answer that...

I'm a wimp when it comes to needles - I need gas and air getting stiches...I'm never going to get one :( Post a pic of your tattoo.

Nellioness said...

“You’re such a pussy.”
Thanks, hon.
Such compassion.

This part of your story is my favorite. Thumbs-up to your wifey for "you are such a pussy" :)))

My attitude to tattoos is mostly positive, of course, if a tatty is stylish and not "from head to toe". Personally, I was thinking of getting a tattoo, but the fear of pain still stops me from doing it. Needles, needles, ugh... No-o-o-o. Don't want it.

Cool post Moooog.

Anonymous said...

I swear I didn't so this because you swore at me, or cause you threatened me. I was already intending on doing it before you became a bully. so there. Please come to my site and retrieve your award. (flowers and all!)
much respect~d

Deadpoolite said...

And that was a Kodak moment if I ever saw one...:) You are so hardcore they should reinvent the word for your sake:)

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