So, my wife was beaten up by a first grader.
Yeah. You read that right.
If you’ve read my previous post, my wife works in an inner-city school where the majority of the kids neither speak nor understand English.
This can be directly attributed to the Spanish teacher in my wife’s First Grade classroom who has done, amongst other things:
1) Taught the children that the word “THIS”, is sounded out as:
THA + EES = THEEES
2) The correct grammar usage here is that there are not “Three Fish” – but that there are “Three Fishes”
3) When the school nurse arrived to take out three of the heavier kids for a weigh in, she looked at the nurse and said:
“Oh…so you’re taking the three tubbies?”
From the way my wife describes her, I think the woman may actually be Charo.
Anyway, so that particular teacher is – thankfully – no longer in the room, and my wife was given the floor as the teacher.
So, my wife called me yesterday…the conversation went like this:
Wife: “Hey…well…THAT was a first.”
Me: “What was a first?”
Wife: “I was just beaten up by a first grader.”
From time to time she’s told me about things like this going on in the schools…but it’s never happened to her.
This is how the smackdown went:
Apparently, said first grader (a boy) flipped off another girl in the class.
Yes, he gave her the finger.
I’m not sure where 6-year-old kids learn to give other kids the finger (although, I’ve accidentally taught my son a few choice words), but he did nonetheless.
My wife then decided to take said boy to the principal’s office.
On the way to the office, the boy decided to drop himself on the floor and throw a fit. Mind you, he’s in first grade, so this isn’t surprising (I sometimes do this same thing when my wife asks me to mow the lawn). He proceeded to then yell and scream in protest while flopped down on the floor in the middle of the hallway.
My wife reached down to pick him up…
…at which point the beating began.
Apparently, the little boy was equipped with a book.
Armed with the book, he began flailing and smashing it into my wife’s arms and legs.
Me: “Holy sh*t.”
Wife: “Yeah. Lots of fun. I’m all red up and down my arms.”
Me: “Holy sh*t."
*pause as I think*
Me: "Did you at least kick the kid’s ass?”
Can’t you just start kicking ass at this point?
Grab the kid’s hair? Smash him in the face? Throw him through a window? Hire another kid to snuff him out?
Then, out of sheer curiousity I ask...
Me: “Jesus. Where the Hell did he get the book from?”
*there's a pause on the end of the line*
Wife: “I gave it to him.”
THAT’S what’s really pissing her off. Not the fact that the kid went postal on her, but that he did it using a book that SHE gave to him.
“Here, little boy, here’s – oh – a pistol and a homemade shiv made from a spork. NOW let’s go to go to the principal’s office for your discipline!”
Anyway…not sure what’s going to happen to the boy. I've since heard that he's in a lot of trouble at home.
(FYI - "A lot of trouble at home" for inner-city kids this means: Quick...CALL DSS...This kid is getting the sh*t kicked out of him. He's either getting that punishment, or he's now specifically forbidden to do any drug runs for the family until further notice)
As far as my wife...
...I think she’s only allowing him to read from postcards now.