Flushable Wipes, My Ass! | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Flushable Wipes, My Ass!


Thank you, Kleenex, for my E-Coli poisoning.

I was reading another blog the other day, which recounted how their basement was flooded.

Although we’ve had our share of water around my house, the closest I've ever come to having water in my basement was a horrific incident almost solely caused by the Kleenex company.

That’s right.

Flushable Wipes are the Devil.


…first…a bit of background…

I have two kids. My oldest daughter is 7 years old.

About 7-1/2 years ago, we were in the process of building an addition to our house. This addition included a ¾ bath.

The sewer pipes leading from this bathroom out to the street wind through our basement, at a height approximately 5 or 6 inches above my head.

If you do the math, you’ll find that my daughter was still of that magical diaper age.

Yes...it's the age of wonder where every bodily function ends up in a giant heap of stink smashed against their bottoms...requiring parental intervention to mop up the crime scene.

Kids, being what they are, don’t care where they crap or pee. Typically, they’ll do this where and when you don’t want them to, like – say – standing in line at the DMV when you're next in line...and it now smells like the very bowels of Hell have opened and YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR KID NOW!!!
When a child poops in a diaper, it is akin to discovering a body in the woods…and said body was dismembered by an army of poo-wielding chainsaw madmen.

There’s a hideous, horrifying stench.

…and there’s a magnificent, fantastical mess.

To quote my previous post, "Poo Marbles and Mona Lisa":


Baby poo is disgusting. Right out of the chute, baby poo resembles tar and smells like - if I may be so bold - Armageddon. Once again, the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse - Stinky - rears his ugly head.

Cleaning up this mess is not only an effort in intestinal fortitude…but it’s also a bitch on the mellifluous odor of your house.

Because, unlike toilet paper…you can’t flush a diaper.

You have to find a "Diaper Genie" to store them.

...or throw them out...

...or hide them really well.

But…then…we heard of the miracle of the Flushable Wipe.

OH! Flushable Wipes!

It's a wipe!

It's FLUSHABLE!

Wipe the bum! Collect the poo! Flush it away!

(Just like what Daddy does with his poo…except his is much, much larger...would take an entire container of wipes to clean...and (HEALTH WARNING FOR PARENTS) may contain peanuts)

Anway...so we bought the Flushable Wipes.

..and we used them…

…and we flushed them…

But kids keep pooing.

So we used more.

…and flushed ‘em.

Until…one day…the Jed Clampett in me noticed that up from our new shower came a’bubblin’ crude.

Poo that is. Brown Gold.…and some pee.

The sight of the brownish water floating in the bottom of our shower, along with the flurry of little brown canoes, tipped me off.


We had ourselves a clog somewhere downstream from the bathroom.

We figured that the problem had to be the very slight slope of the pipes. However, my contractor is akin to a giant, so I try to not scold him very often.


So we called a company who came and cleared out the pipes for us using a giant “Arm of Death”, and gas masks. This arm thing was SO COOL - it reminded me of a movie I saw as a kid called "The Black Hole" (not the same movie that I have hidden elsewhere in my house), and the evil robot had arms JUST LIKE THIS.

For a minute, I wanted to be a rooter.

Then I watched them work on poopy pipes. And the feeling left quickly.

Anyway, within an hour, the pipe was cleared.

Life went on.

And we kept wiping our daughter’s bum...

…and flushing those damn wipes…


…and sure as sh*t….we got ourselves another little brown oasis in the bottom of the shower after a while.

Sonofabitch.

Now…I happened to be watching the Roto guy who came the last time. I watched him intently...so I knew (KNEW) what I had to do...

I watched him enter our basement, and check the pipes leading above my head snaking through the rooms.

He tapped on them…apparently checking that the immediate area was free and clear...

...then…

…he opened them up.

On the corner of one of the pipes, where it took a bend, was a plate that would open with the turn of a wrench, allowing you to look inside.

At the time, after tapping on the pipes, he opened the plate and could see where the clog was a little further down.


Piece of cake.

I went downstairs, armed with a wrench, a bucket, and my faithful wife beside me...ready to clear the clog.

Raising the wrench to the plate just above my face, I began turning.

…please note, at this point, that I neglected to tap on the pipe.

…which - unbeknownst to me - happened to be completely backed up with poo...and pee...and God knows what else.

Had I tapped on the friggin' thing...things may have turned out differently...but...

At about a quarter turn, the plate let go with the force of several hundred gallons of sewage stopped upstream of it.

This plate plunked off of my forehead, before landing on the ground.

…leaving me staring at a four-inch wide pipe hole…which was now emptying it’s contents onto my face...think, the scene from FlashDance...except instead of a hot Jennifer Beals covered in water...you have a 5'2" guy drowning in sewage.


So...HOT.

And there...watching me fight off this torrent of poopy-caca...

My wife...laughing hysterically.

Like Ernest Borgnine fighting in Poseidon...I'm screaming, "GET THE PLUG!!! GET THE PLUG!!!"


It took three tries to get that damn thing in.

...mainly because my wife was busy crying from laughing so hard that she was too busy to actually hand me the damn plug.

Once we got things settled and got the plumbers back, we were advised of the following:

You're not supposed to flush the Flushable Wipes. They clog pipes.

Oh, they clog pipes, do they?

No sh*t.

You know how I know that, Mr. Plumber? I know that because I look like this:



Flushable wipes, my ass.

Flushable wipes that aren't flushable.

Consider yourself warned.

30 comments:

C.Rag said...

Damn you have some fine titties! You need to post them over at Sara Sue's.

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

OMG you are HILARIOUS!!! I am blogrolling you today!

This post conjured up some deep seated memories which brought tears to my eyes...the smell, the smell! And at least YOU discovered the clog before the toilet overflowed ALL DAY LONG while you were gone at work...

Anonymous said...

this is the best I've read today...my poor Dad got hit in the face with a tampon when my sister and I were teens...of course, we blamed each other...he said he didn't care whose this perticular one was...he never wanted to see another one flushed...good times


mauniejames3

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Thanks for the warning! Ewwwwww!

We use those things like they are going out of style.

No poo backups yet!

Malach the Merciless said...

Man's three greatest inventions:

1. The Dishwasher - need I say more
2. The Swiffer Wet Jet -Makes cleaning a floor easier than sleeping
3. Baby wipes - Cleans any mess, in a pinch you can use them to take a shower.

sxdiva said...

Terrible. We have an outhouse. It saves us a lot of shame. The neighbors use it a lot though, so I had to buy a lock. Outhouse tipping is a nasty thing, but otherwise...

Cindy Breninger said...

All this poo talk, who is ready for lunch? hehe
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Biscuit said...

You've put our WATER flooded basement into a whole new light.

And what I want to know is, what the hell did you google to get that last picture?

clairec23 said...

I bleeding well knew those things were too good to be true, am potty training at the moment, was thinking about getting the flushable wipes for him, no way am I now...

[Un]Censored said...

I am wondering if this could end up like that McDonald's coffee cup. Take them for a billion dollars because of the mental anguish you endured while trying to unclog your pipes because of their not so flushable "flushable" wipes...resulting in a violent dirty sanchez.

ew. poop.

Mimzie said...

Oh. My. God!!! You are freaking hysterical! My 'laugh out loud' most favoritist part was. . ."The Black Hole" (not the same movie that I have hidden elsewhere in my house)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

you've used that poo picture twice (the one with the baby in it)... but it's of enough quality i will allow it.

Deadpoolite said...

Now I know how phrases like:

"Shit happens"
"When it rains it po(o)urs'

became such beloved mainstreams of the english language...

It all started here at Mental Poo... and I got the laughter to prove it:]

Take care.

Titania Starlight said...

Oh man you are the freakin best there is. A very talented poop writer. :o)~

Skryker said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

(but your post made me laugh out loud!)

Sexy Housewife said...

ROFLMAO!

I only have one thing to say: if it sounds too good to be true...

kristinaQ said...

ewwwwwwwww

Those wipes should have a warning label on them:

"WARNING: These can actually still cause a really shitty clog, so you might find yourself with a little shit surprise in your bathtub"

Nellioness said...

The pictures drive me crazy :)))
This is something super-creative ;)))

Hot, hot, hot!

Elise said...

That is disgusting! The pics just add the the gagging feeling that I'm trying so hard to supress.

Thank you for the warning...

Anonymous said...

dude, that story was almost written about me! I have also had
a "bubbeler" due to the "bio degradable" products...

hillsmithfamily said...

I am dying in laughter from this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And we are big devotees of the flushable wipes. So now I'm scared. Seriously.

Survival Gear said...

damn those pics are really disgusting. i hope you can prove and linked that incident to kleenex and stand in court. screw those big irresponsible corps

tom said...

hi.

What a great story. Sorry...I mean terrible story for you...but vividly retold and funny to read. Doing research on this topic (petroleum based, chemically dubious, not-so-flushable wipes), as I think I have created the answer. http://tissuespritz.com Why do we need the stinkin over-engineered wet wipes anyway..toilet tissue is perfect for the job..just needs a little help, right? thanks for the laughs,tommy

adult diapers said...

I have found that on most of the flushable wipes that they say safe for commercial toilets. I do not understand why they are misleading consumers to believe they are safe for residential flushing.

Flora said...

This was hilarious. reminds me of the scene from RV where Robin Williams is trying to empty the potty on the RV - hilarious!

Brutalism said...

You were so shitfaced.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h aha haha hahahahhahahaa

The Absence of Alternatives said...

They should make this post required reading for high school kids. BEST. BIRTH. CONTROL. EVER!

ThePeachy1 said...

Even though my youngest is 9, you just vividly brought back the retching involved with a nasty diaper fail. blech. sorry you got drenched in shit dude.

Anonymous said...

With 2 kids potty training or in the early stages of being fully trained..we used the flushable wipes...now my in laws are up and have used them in order to wipe there tender assholes..I now have a trap outside that is clogged with flushable wipes. I called the septic guy..didnt even mention wipes and he said "do not use flushable wipes"

Anonymous said...

With 2 kids potty training or in the early stages of being fully trained..we used the flushable wipes...now my in laws are up and have used them in order to wipe there tender assholes..I now have a trap outside that is clogged with flushable wipes. I called the septic guy..didnt even mention wipes and he said "do not use flushable wipes"

Related Posts with Thumbnails