Fuck 'Em, Suck 'Em Robots | Mental Poo

Monday, November 12, 2007

Fuck 'Em, Suck 'Em Robots


"Stick the banana in your tailpipe"has a different meaning today.

Let me explain.

There are a couple of sites that I link to (over on the left) that are, well, adult-oriented.

(Note - if you click on any of these referrals at work, you WILL most likely be fired...just a warning...)

I find it interesting to read the daily sex topics on these sites.

They range from “How to compliment your lover” to “How to give a good BJ(thanks…but, being a guy, I’ll still pass on needing to know the latter), to the last one I read, which was:

Sex Games

Now, these aren't the types of games that you go pick up at Spencer Gifts.

These are games that require you to use your imagination.

Personally, I'd rather go to the store and pick up adult versions of my favorite games.

Like...

1) Parcheesi becomes the adult game, "Boob-squeezy"

2) Toss-Across becomes "Toss-off Across"

3) Chutes-N-Ladders becomes "Poop Chutes and Bladders" (this is for the golden shower/scat crowd)

4) Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots becomes...well...you read the title (you can hear the adult exclaim, "You knocked my cock off!")


I'm SO getting sued for libel by Milton Bradley.

Okay...back to these sites...

So, there’s this nice big list of sex games with a whole bunch of pictures displayed in large format...all pictures are of sufficient size to get me fired.

I read all of these. I even made some of the pictures my new computer screen saver.

(on a side note...I think that's the HR guy coming now...)

Then I thought that, “Gee…being able to do all of this must be great when you don’t have kids.”

I sometimes envy some of these people.

…because, although “Hide the kumquat” sounds like a great game for romping around your kitchen, it doesn’t quite play out so well when you have little kids in the house.

(By the way...my original title of this was "Sex Games with Kids" - but then I re-read it, and realized that I seriously did not want to come up in that Google Search...or have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC pounding on my door.)

Let’s go through some of these games:

Game 1: “The Feast”
The object of this game is to go through your fridge, and – using items found inside – seductively eat off of each other.

Sounds great, eh? Sex AND food?

Sign me up!

..add beer and a football game and I may never leave the kitchen.

Here’s the problem:

I have two children, aged 4 and 7.

…so…chocolate-covered strawberries aren’t readily available.

As such, here’s how this game would play out:

(The lights are dim...my wife and I on the kitchen floor...soft music in the background)


Me: “How hungry are you…?” 

Wife: “Rowwwrrrr”

*I blindfold her*

Me: “Here. Try some of…this.”

Slowly yet seductively...

I hand her a Go-gurt

Wife: “Mm….tastes banana-berry-swirl-ish…”

Me: “Oh…yeah.”


My wife removes the blindfold.

Wife: “Your turn now... Here…”

Ever so teasingly, she feeds me...

...a chicken nugget shaped like a dinosaur.

Sexy.

Somehow, this game loses it’s luster when your fridge is packed with Snak-Paks.


Game 2: “Kinky”

This is where you’re supposed to come up with some of your kinkiest ideas with toys, etc., and throw them around and see what sticks (no pun intended).

Here’s how this goes with kids in the house:

Me: “So…what position would you like to try tonight?”


Wife: “Fetal. I’m tired. I had to take the kids to the doctor, then our girl had Chess club, then I had to pick up my mom’s mail because they’re on vacation…”

(sleep ensues up until 2 in the morning until one of the kids wets the bed).

Me: “So…want me to break out the toys?”

Wife: “Oh..yeah. Get the toys.”

I come back with Tickle-Me-Elmo and Diego’s Talking Rescue Center.

We’re up all night pretending to save the baby leopards from the giant red fuzzy forest monster.

The kids wake up with nightmares of Dora being chased by Godzilla.


Game #3: Q&A

From Nelli’s site:

“It is a trivia game. In fact, you can play an actual game if you like such as Trivial Pursuit. Tell your mate that they have to get a certain amount of answers right or they can’t get none that night.”

Me: “Okay, honey – if you get more than three answers wrong, you get no sex tonight from the midgetman. So…try your best…you ready?”

Wife: “Okay,” she takes a deep, soothing breath, “I’m ready.”

Me: “What’s the big round thing that burns in the sky during the day?”

Wife: “Potato.”

(dammit)

Me: “Okay. Fine. One wrong. Next question: What day is it?”

Wife: “Blue.”

(sonofabitch)

Me: “Okay…last question….Without saying ‘no’, will we have sex tonight?”

*panic sets in*

*Wife smashes head into table drawing blood and knocking herself out*

*pause*

Me: “Sweet…no need for roofies tonight.”


Game #4: No Touching

From Nelli’s site:

“Without tying your partners hands or confining them in any way, tell them that they can not touch you no matter what you do to them”

Wife:Okay, the rules are you can’t touch me no matter what I do to you. Ready?”

Me: “Oh yeah. I’m ready.”

…I close my eyes…anticipating…

Wife (yelling): KIDS! Daddy’s taking you both to church today! Mommy’s going shopping!”

..and she leaves before I can kick her ass.

Game #5: Role Playing

I’ve read a lot about this, but never had the balls to do it. I’m just not all that comfortable with acting.


..or dressing up as the lead singer from Cinderella. I have a feeling I’d have to be that guy.

Anyway, here’s how it would go in my house:

The scene….

The lights are dim in the bedroom. The door is closed.

I walk silently up the stairs. My breath heavy…my heart pulsing…

I slowly push open the door.

Wow…there…on the bed…

…my wife…

…in my daughter’s princess costume complete with pointy cap and magic wand.

..it’s kinda tight.

My daughter is 7.

My wife looks up…

..and there I stand…in all my glory…

…with an undersized Spiderman mask stretched over my head, a two-foot long Batman’s cape, and I’m holding a shield.

My son is 4.

I may be short, but there’s only so much I can fit into.

Plus, the Power Ranger’s suit was going right up my ass.

Wife (head tilted): “Um…why are you wearing Transformers underwear?”

...yeah…that might have been a little over the top.

But, hey! The glow in the dark!


We spend the rest of the night actually trying to get out of these outfits, finally passing out from sheer exhaustion.

Awesome.

Maybe I should stick to playing with myself.

I meant, 'solitaire.'

* wink

25 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

I cant wait till we have kids lol

Pol said...

He he, how do you come up with this stuff!
Pol x

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I am so checking out all of those links!

Skryker said...

LOL! I love the way your mind works!


BTW, it gets better and worse as they get older-less work so you have more energy, but...they stay up later and you know that they can figure out any noises and/or that Mom and Dad aren't really so tired that they're going to bed early to sleep.

Deadpoolite said...

Good to know you have some variety in your -yawn- sex life. I mean every toy is a potential "sex toy in the making", no costume too tight, no sex game too generic.

You are trying them all and you fail miserably every fricking time:) Yet you persist with a glowing smile in your face ( I know I know you overdosed on Crest toothpaste again... no shame on that...in some countries anyway...lol). Eventually, you are going to make it, ditch that Mario costume though.... that tache will only lead to madness (I know what I am talking about dude, I am already there, LOL)

Take care!

Nellioness said...

What a surprise Moooog! This is one of the best reactions I ever got on my posts. I'm so glad you found something to enjoy with your wifey.

Thank you!!

The Sports Mama said...

OMG... I laughed so hard at this post!

Not sure it really gets better as they get older, though. Trying to have sex in the house, while your teenager is home.... it turns into more of the "Quiet Game" than anything else.

While you're young, you get more turned on the lounder you both get. After kids, you spend all that energy trying to find ways to muffle the sound! :)

Malach the Merciless said...

that is why they have those sleezy hotels with the heart shaped tubs, don't bring the kids

PB&Junk said...

so sad, but sooooooooooooo true

kab625 said...

It's your choice of games, clearly. Also, didn't you at some point mention that you are proficient with "quickies". I think there are some games you can play in the bathroom....alone.

The Real Mother Hen said...

TGINK
Thank God I've No Kid!
The games are such a big turn off. I rather watch Dora exploring the body of a... dinasour!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Can't you say "Honey, there's something in the garage I need you to see" and toss her on top of the dryer for a quickie (for added fun turn the dryer on with a couple shoes in it-warm AND bouncy).

Course, it's just a theory. ;-)

Kitty DeMure said...

Mooog, you crack me up! Love the Super Mario picture!

My hubby is a video game nerd, so role playing for him means something entirely different than it does to me. For me, role play = some sort of fun, sexy scenario resulting in amazing orgasms. For him, role play = Final Fantasy. *Sigh*

Mooqi said...

Nice photoshopping!

Hungry Mother said...

I'm way too old for anything but fantasizing, but I always thought 3 person naked Twister would be a lot of fun. Not just any 3 people, my choice.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hot damn. this is why you need to be a part time parent, like lawyerman. he has half custody of the boy, so half the time the house is empty and we can crankdown on the kitchen table. but youre still married, sooo i guess that's not an option. good ways to get around it though!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hot damn. this is why you need to be a part time parent, like lawyerman. he has half custody of the boy, so half the time the house is empty and we can crankdown on the kitchen table. but youre still married, sooo i guess that's not an option. good ways to get around it though!

Prin said...

LOL! Super funny post. :)

Gulf Coast Mommy said...

yep kids change everything. Not that I have ever been much for the thought of dress up as I am for simply undress. The touching game example had me giggling good. THats a fabulous idea and I am seriously considering running it by Dave. Of course I will not say where I am going or what I am doing till my hands on the doorknob and car keys in my pocket.
much luv~d

Titania Starlight said...

You are by far the funniest blogger out there! I am so mesmerized. I have to keep coming back to see what twisted stuff you wrote! You truly make my day.

Cindy Breninger said...

Hehe, you always manage to put the oddest visuals in my head. :) Oh, you missed it, I was famous for a day! The Sacramento Bee wrote an entire column on my little blog on Sunday. But, I will still frequent yours, you know, I gotta stay hip with the little people! :) hehe
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Sara Sue said...

I don't know about the rest of you, but I could have one hot sex party with that Diego’s Talking Rescue Center and a few attachments!

AngryMan said...

I like to play "Let's Have Sex W/Other People And Never Speak Again".

Biscuit said...

Don't forget Explain What You're Doing Behind Mommy While She's On Her Hands and Knees. That one's a riot.

clairec23 said...

I started to read this post before but I soon realised it called for a time when I could give it my full attention...good tips there, I have me a tickle me Elmo, just need to get the kids to like Diego by Christmas and I'm all set.

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