"Stick the banana in your tailpipe"has a different meaning today.
Let me explain.
There are a couple of sites that I link to (over on the left) that are, well, adult-oriented.
(Note - if you click on any of these referrals at work, you WILL most likely be fired...just a warning...)
I find it interesting to read the daily sex topics on these sites.
They range from “How to compliment your lover” to “How to give a good BJ” (thanks…but, being a guy, I’ll still pass on needing to know the latter), to the last one I read, which was:
Now, these aren't the types of games that you go pick up at Spencer Gifts.
These are games that require you to use your imagination.
Personally, I'd rather go to the store and pick up adult versions of my favorite games.
1) Parcheesi becomes the adult game, "Boob-squeezy"
2) Toss-Across becomes "Toss-off Across"
3) Chutes-N-Ladders becomes "Poop Chutes and Bladders" (this is for the golden shower/scat crowd)
4) Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots becomes...well...you read the title (you can hear the adult exclaim, "You knocked my cock off!")
I'm SO getting sued for libel by Milton Bradley.
Okay...back to these sites...
So, there’s this nice big list of sex games with a whole bunch of pictures displayed in large format...all pictures are of sufficient size to get me fired.
I read all of these. I even made some of the pictures my new computer screen saver.
(on a side note...I think that's the HR guy coming now...)
Then I thought that, “Gee…being able to do all of this must be great when you don’t have kids.”
I sometimes envy some of these people.
…because, although “Hide the kumquat” sounds like a great game for romping around your kitchen, it doesn’t quite play out so well when you have little kids in the house.
(By the way...my original title of this was "Sex Games with Kids" - but then I re-read it, and realized that I seriously did not want to come up in that Google Search...or have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC pounding on my door.)
Let’s go through some of these games:
Game 1: “The Feast”
The object of this game is to go through your fridge, and – using items found inside – seductively eat off of each other.
Sounds great, eh? Sex AND food?
Sign me up!
..add beer and a football game and I may never leave the kitchen.
Here’s the problem:
I have two children, aged 4 and 7.
…so…chocolate-covered strawberries aren’t readily available.
As such, here’s how this game would play out:
(The lights are dim...my wife and I on the kitchen floor...soft music in the background)
Me: “How hungry are you…?”
*I blindfold her*
Me: “Here. Try some of…this.”
Slowly yet seductively...
I hand her a Go-gurt
Wife: “Mm….tastes banana-berry-swirl-ish…”
My wife removes the blindfold.
Wife: “Your turn now... Here…”
Ever so teasingly, she feeds me...
...a chicken nugget shaped like a dinosaur.
Somehow, this game loses it’s luster when your fridge is packed with Snak-Paks.
Game 2: “Kinky”
This is where you’re supposed to come up with some of your kinkiest ideas with toys, etc., and throw them around and see what sticks (no pun intended).
Here’s how this goes with kids in the house:
Me: “So…what position would you like to try tonight?”
Wife: “Fetal. I’m tired. I had to take the kids to the doctor, then our girl had Chess club, then I had to pick up my mom’s mail because they’re on vacation…”
(sleep ensues up until 2 in the morning until one of the kids wets the bed).
Me: “So…want me to break out the toys?”
Wife: “Oh..yeah. Get the toys.”
I come back with Tickle-Me-Elmo and Diego’s Talking Rescue Center.
We’re up all night pretending to save the baby leopards from the giant red fuzzy forest monster.
The kids wake up with nightmares of Dora being chased by Godzilla.
Game #3: Q&A
From Nelli’s site:
“It is a trivia game. In fact, you can play an actual game if you like such as Trivial Pursuit. Tell your mate that they have to get a certain amount of answers right or they can’t get none that night.”
Me: “Okay, honey – if you get more than three answers wrong, you get no sex tonight from the midgetman. So…try your best…you ready?”
Wife: “Okay,” she takes a deep, soothing breath, “I’m ready.”
Me: “What’s the big round thing that burns in the sky during the day?”
Me: “Okay. Fine. One wrong. Next question: What day is it?”
Me: “Okay…last question….Without saying ‘no’, will we have sex tonight?”
*panic sets in*
*Wife smashes head into table drawing blood and knocking herself out*
Me: “Sweet…no need for roofies tonight.”
Game #4: No Touching
From Nelli’s site:
“Without tying your partners hands or confining them in any way, tell them that they can not touch you no matter what you do to them”
Wife: “Okay, the rules are you can’t touch me no matter what I do to you. Ready?”
Me: “Oh yeah. I’m ready.”
…I close my eyes…anticipating…
Wife (yelling): “KIDS! Daddy’s taking you both to church today! Mommy’s going shopping!”
..and she leaves before I can kick her ass.
Game #5: Role Playing
I’ve read a lot about this, but never had the balls to do it. I’m just not all that comfortable with acting.
..or dressing up as the lead singer from Cinderella. I have a feeling I’d have to be that guy.
Anyway, here’s how it would go in my house:
The lights are dim in the bedroom. The door is closed.
I walk silently up the stairs. My breath heavy…my heart pulsing…
I slowly push open the door.
Wow…there…on the bed…
…in my daughter’s princess costume complete with pointy cap and magic wand.
..it’s kinda tight.
My daughter is 7.
My wife looks up…
..and there I stand…in all my glory…
…with an undersized Spiderman mask stretched over my head, a two-foot long Batman’s cape, and I’m holding a shield.
My son is 4.
I may be short, but there’s only so much I can fit into.
Plus, the Power Ranger’s suit was going right up my ass.
Wife (head tilted): “Um…why are you wearing Transformers underwear?”
...yeah…that might have been a little over the top.
But, hey! The glow in the dark!
We spend the rest of the night actually trying to get out of these outfits, finally passing out from sheer exhaustion.
Maybe I should stick to playing with myself.
I meant, 'solitaire.'