Forgery, Vegetarians and Parrots: A Kid Story | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Forgery, Vegetarians and Parrots: A Kid Story

When in doubt of what to write, resort to funny sh*t your kids do.

Kid Story #1: My Little Felon – the Epilogue
So, we had my daughter’s “Parent/Teacher” conference yesterday.

When I say “we”, I mean, “my wife went.”

If you recall, in my post “My Little Felon,” my daughter – who is 7 – thought it would be a great idea to forge my wife’s name on a note she was required to send home.

On said note, she had to write what she had done wrong, and the teacher stamped the letter with “Please sign and return.”

We never saw the letter.

But it DID get back to the teacher signed.

How, you say?

See for it is:

I learned two things from this letter:

1) My wife has really sh*tty handwriting
2) I've been calling her "Jennifer" all these years, while her real name has been "Jenenfer"

*shaking head* be 7...

What makes this awesome is that my daughter, after signing this, probably looked at it – very proudly – and thought to herself:

That’ll do, kid. That’ll do. They won't suspect a thing.”

…then handed it in…confident that she pulled one over on the teacher.

Gotta love it.

My wife, Jenenfer, and I laughed and laughed...

Kid Story #2: The War Against Beef
It was Veteran’s Day this past Monday. I had to work, but my kids had it off.

Later that night, as I watched the news of the Veteran’s Day festivities, my daughter piped up while we sat on the couch:

Daughter: “Daddy?”
Me: “Yes?”
Daughter: “I know what a veteran is.”
Me: “Oh yeah? What’s a veteran?”


Daughter: “It’s someone who doesn’t eat meat.”


Yes, everyone…

Our freedom has long been preserved by people who eat broccoli.

Me: "No, honey. You see...there's a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy that..."

*wife interrupts and explains the difference between veteran and vegetarian*

Nice one, hon.

Anyway, we hope you had a Happy Vegetarian Day.

Kid Story #3: Justification for a Plastic Bird
My kids came into the kitchen this morning as I was preparing to leave for work.

Daughter: “For Christmas, we want a ‘Squawkers McCaw’!”

Squawkers McCaw - if you haven't seen it - is a large toy parrot...that talks...and talks...and talks. Kind of like Baba Doodlius, but not on the Internet.

I'm considering buying this for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, who have a one-year old child. Not so he can play with it, but for getting them back at buying our kids things that make noise.

We have received the following gifts from said brother/sister-in-law:

1) Electronic Piano
2) Electronic Drum Set
3) "Wiggles" dancing foot pad ("!")
4) (insert any other loud thing EVER invented here)

The common thread with these gifts is that (a) they're loud and (b) they have NO VOLUME CONTROLS.

..couple that with the fact that most of these gifts were given when my kids were barely old enough to walk (but still old enough to want to play with them), then I get the feeling that my in-laws were trying to drive my wife and I insane.

This year, their son is getting the "Fisher Price Little Tykes Pipe-Bomb Playkit."

(Libel Disclaimer: not an actual toy)

...back to the Squawkers discussion...

Me and Wife: “Oh…yeah? I don’t think we’re getting a Squawkers McCaw.”

Daughter: “But it’s SOOO cool!”

Me and Wife: “…don’t think so. Having a talking dog is enough.”

(..this starts a discussion on whether or not the dog can talk..)

Daughter: "But we REALLY want it!"

Me: "No."

…this is when my son comes in…

…he’s 4…

...he presents us his argument in favor of getting the bird...

Son: “But it comes with a cracker!”

..this was his idea of bolstering the argument.

It has a cracker.

Me: “Oh, well…in THAT case…!”

We're gonna end up with a friggin' plastic parrot...I just know it.

It would be SO much easier to teach the dog to talk.


matt said...

I found some great remote control dog that barks for my little niece and nephew. They'll love it.

Elise said...

You're kids are fantastic!

I love all the stories you have about them.


Anonymous said...


My kids are 8, 10, & (almost) 12. Between my 2 older brothers, I have neices/nephews ages 7 (twins), 13, 14, and 16.

Needless to say, our 3-way war with "gifts aimed at making life miserable for mom and dad" started out with noise makers and progressed to things that destroy the house (play-doh, finger paints, Permanent markers..)

This year, I think I'm sending the kids' hair dye and self-tatoo kits.

....and then moving to another State, leaving no fowarding address.

Anonymous said...

I love the note, you can NEVER throw that away. Is the Wiggles thingy really that bad?? I'm in the process of trying to find toys for christmas that won't drive me fecking insane.

Unknown said...

I love that your wife has "really sh*tty handwriting."

But more importantly, I imagine if you ever did train your dog to talk you would have to have a dog like Brian on "Family Guy." You'd just have to mooog.

Anonymous said...

I once came with a cracker.

Baba Doodlius said...

Could be worse - you could get a *real, live* macaw. They're loud enough to shatter your living room windows. And don't get me started on cockatoos.

They're awfully cute, though.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

LOL! I was considering the bird toy after seeing an advertisement.

I went to Target with a girlfriend and walked passed one in a box and probably jumped a foot off the ground when it unexpectedly talked. She laughed her ass off. So then I pushed the button to see what else it said and I jumped another foot in the air and I have no idea why, but I screamed. It's not so much that it's a loud's just a startleing toy.

I don't think I could sleep with one of those in the house. Really, I think NO ONE is going to buy one. It's just a ploy to frighten parents into buying Butterscotch the 250 dollar pony. While she doesn't include a bottle of scotch, she also doesn't talk.

Michelle Hix said...

Hi. I think I came here from Elise's blog or maybe I went from Elise to someone else to here...not sure! But anyway, your 7 year old sounds a lot like my 6 year old. After leaving my 11 year old's perfect parent teacher conference where they told me that she walks on water...I go to my 7 year old's conference where I find out that I have "that kid", you know, the one that you think everyone else has but you? She keeps it interesting!

Mr and Mrs Knutzen said...

I gave my four year old niece the Monkey scares the shit out of her so it is in a closet with duct tape on his mouth. Lovely.

Moooooog35 said...

I think we've resigned to giving the kids a few bags of clothespins.

As long as they weren't painted in China, I'm sure it's somewhat safe.

Plus, when my wife and I decide to delve into S&M, we can always use some ourselves.

Skryker said...

I just think of Denis Leary "Do not buy the toys that make the noise!".

Those stupid tape player things with the microphone so the kids can have their own karaoke show 24/7. Oy! Toy creators should have to live with their creations and a 5 year old for at least 2 weeks before they submit them for approval.

prin said...

hehe... the joys of having no kids. Ahhhh, yes. :)

Have fun with that parrot. lol

Diva said...

Heh. I love sitting back and waiting for my kids to do "stupid kid tricks" or even semi-amusing things that I can blow out of proportion.

I got a cussing parrot with one of the gifts at my bachelorette party, you want I should send it over?

Great stories!

The Real Mother Hen said...

It's funny :)
Your daugther is very brave :)
she should be rewarded with a big tub of ice cream :)

FreeOscar said...

damn blogger didn't put up my comment!

I hate blogger!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

clothespins are not painful. Well, not very....

linda said...

Only yesterday I saw that McCaw featured on the front of a toy catalogue.

I thought, who on earth would buy such a hideous thing for a child.

Then I remembered what is in my son's bedroom cupboards. So many other hideous, noisy and unplayed with toys.

That he won't throw out.

Hungry Mother said...

I'm a vegetarian veteran. Your daughter's forgery reminded me of a day in the Army when I was in advanced training. A couple of us had discovered that the bureaucracy of sick call was so deep that nobody really monitored it. So the two of us got on the bus for sick call early in the morning and traveled to the base hospital. Instead of going inside, we hung around outside and did our own diagnosis and treatment. We gave each other "bed rest" for the day which is kind of a holy grail for soldiers. It all worked out; nobody checked on it. Problem was, I was bored out of my mind lying in the bunk all day. All I got out of it was a story.

Anonymous said...

I want to adopt your kids!

They could sign off on all of my bills for me.

Christine said...

Ok, Please post what station the advertisement for this "thing" was so I can get my handy dandy parental control instruction book out. HBO is fine but this thing will result in violence the likes of which the kid has ever seen.

LJ said...

Ha ha ha. This is brilliant!

Rahul said...

At least you don't have that satanic dancing santa. My mom bought it for my little cousin and every time she comes over she hits that stupid thing and starts dancing to jingle bell rock.

So I went Office Space on it. Mom was not amused.

Malach the Merciless said...

Revenge gifts on relative rock

Anonymous said...

This is a great and fun post. Much better than one of your earlier "shitty" post.
BTW: You have really lovely kids.

Kitty said...

Last night in our house:
Daughter: "I can't get in"
Me: "That's because I'm behind the door"
Daughter: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Bleeding the radiator"
Daughter: "Oooh, can I see the blood?"

Nosjunkie said...

I dont mean to be funny but the teacher that had the heart to yell or punish the kid after that note is a troll
I love it
its classic

Chickie said...

Heh, I love giving loud, electronic gifs to my niece. When she was 4, she got a drum set. My sister still talks about it.

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

LOL! I am so glad I found you blog - it is SO hilarious!!! And kids are always such a great source of funny/cute material...until they turn into teenagers anyway.

Heather said...

My son wants a Squawkers McCaw. That is the only thing that he is asking Santa for. I asked him, "Wouldn't you like a nice Nintendo DS?" No such luck. Squawkers McCaw it is.

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