My Orange Juice has an Accent | Mental Poo

Friday, November 02, 2007

My Orange Juice has an Accent

It appears that Juan Valdez has branched out.

Immigrant orange juice.

I had no idea this was a big idea.

I went to get my daughter her morning glass of OJ this morning, when I noticed a rather large tag hanging from the cap.

It read:

“You might not have realized, but the other major brands are importing some of their orange juice. Not us.”

No, actually, I didn’t realize this.

And (this may come as a shocker to some people) nor do I care, really.

As long as the orange juice actually tastes like orange juice, and doesn’t give me explosive diarrhea because of it’s E-Coli content, I couldn’t give a sh*t where my oranges come from.

My criteria for choosing orange juice is as follows:

1) Is it orange?
2) Is it juice?
3) Was it painted in China?

If they’re round…and orange…and have juice in them…then it’s pretty much met my orange juice criteria for drinkability.

Now, I know this is probably upsetting the local orange grower who is religiously reading “Mental Poo,” and I might lose a reader…but…really…

…has the hatred of imported products and love of country gone so far as to taint the ORANGE JUICE industry? Are there orange juice lobbyists, currently staking out the Capitol building, prepared to wage war on Chile’s citrus industry?

Now…when you pick up a quart of OJ in the store, do you stop and think:

“Hey…this juice came from Guatemala from a company named 'El Orange-O Juice-O! (My ignorance of the Spanish language believes that everything starts with "El" and ends in "-O"). I cannot, in good conscience, eat a Guatemalan orange.”

..or do you say…

“Oh, no pulp AND calcium?! It’s a win-win!”


I’m sure if the powers-that-be could have foreseen that NAFTA would wreck havoc amongst the citrus juice industry, that thing never would have passed.

…and let’s be honest here on two points:

#1: Orange Juice is not Hypocrit-free
The executives at the Orange Juice company are NOT driving Chevy Aveo’s or Harley Davidsons to support the national economy. Noooo. They’re driving BMW’s and Lexus’ and Ferrari’s, and pulling that sh*t up to the neighborhood Thai restaurant where 14-year old kids are working for less than minimum wage while sweating ju-ju's into your Pad Thai, while the illegal Mexican valet guy parks his car.

They may take the old Ford truck into the orange grove to check on the trees while accompanied their driver (named Guapo), but that's about as close to a domesticated product that they probably get to.


#2: Illegal immigrants are probably picking this sh*t in Florida, anyway.

...sorry for ratting you out, Guapo.

Anyway, we already bought the orange juice…so it’s not like I’m a scab or anything.

I hope Guapo appreciates it.


FreeOscar said...

Si, Guapo is heading to NY for his driver's license & then he's driving up to NH to pop a pinto bean in your ass for rating him out.

Elise said...

I don't think the words "made in USA" increases brand value at all...

Thats just my opinion!

Malach the Merciless said...

What about the children!

prin said...

I agree sort of. :D

Buying an foreign car can sometimes benefit your American economy more than a domestic car. Why? Because companies like Honda are creating far more jobs in the US than the big three are these days (*cough* Did somebody say Chrysler layoffs? *cough, cough*). So while it might be more Japanese on the tag, it's likely it's more American under the hood anyway.

But yeah, we're all hypocrits. *shrug* Gotta make ethical purchases where you can, based on your own set of ethics. :D

Sara Sue said...

This is so laughable! Not only your witty writing but the orange *crisis*. During the winter months in this country almost all produce is imported from other countries. As your grocer's produce man.

nardstar said...

i agree with u. the orange juice taste as an orange juice, no matter where it come from. it wont turn out to be a wine or something if it comes from diff place rite.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Yeah...but is your orange juice supporting fair trade????


Is it "Not from Concentrate"?

These are the really important questions.


Moooooog35 said...

I would drink non-Organic, concentrated, Chilean sea-orange juice picked by Latin pigmys if it quenched my thirst.

I'm curious, when South Americans go to the store and buy their Dole Guava juice, does IT have a tag saying, "Grown only here in (insert 3rd world country name here), and NOT in America!"...?


..but I still don't give a crap.

Anonymous said...

I lived in Florida for awhile and I can vouch that Guapo and his family are picking the oranges there.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Oh yes, De Pope knows this tune:

I saw you, yes, yes, Walking is De Rain!. . .

Forrest Proper said...

Of course, with Global Warming we'll be growing our own damned oranges in New England any day now.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I lived in FL for 15 years and I did some consulting for the juice industry. Yep, Guapo and amigos are definitely there. If they weren't you either would have orange juice or it would cost about $15 a quart.
I got a kick some years ago listening to my blowhard former brother-in-law go on about only buyin' Amerikin. He had just bought a new VCR that he was convinced was made in the US of A. I took great joy leaving an article on his desk that explained in great detail that there wasn't a single VCR made in America.
And I don't buy American cars because the last one I had that didn't breakdown and leave me or my wife stranded on the side of the road was made in 1967.

e said...

Very funny post! Did you know that you can get orange juice in bag? There is a C-store chain here in Iowa, and also Minnesota, and Wisconsin that sells orange juice in a bag that is very cheap. It kind of makes me wonder where it really comes from.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i grew up in the town where they make tropicana, and yeah most of the people making it, and picking the oranges are illegals. one time they did a test of the OJ, and found a high "fecies/urine content". so i guess they were angry illegals too.

Kitty said...

Erm ... who the hell is Juan Valdez?

Tawnya Shields said...

LOL! I have to confess I don't drink orange juice. It raise my blood sugar too damn high. But I won't blame that on the immigrants. :o)~

I would like to know......why in the hell are we importing oranges? What is wrong with our own oranges? The whole world is going bonkers if you ask me.

Hungry Mother said...

The best oranges that I've ever eaten (or juice drunk) was in southern Spain. Unbelievably good!

DubLiMan said...

That Chinese painted orange juice is really nasty stuff. You're best to stay away from it.

Anonymous said...

Dude - Guapo means "Handsome" in Spanish.

Moooooog35 said...

Am I that old to find that some people don't know who Juan Valdez is?


I know that Guapo means "handsome." Again, I couldn't care less on the actual meaning of it, other than it seemed like a decent name for my imaginary illegal immigrant.

Stay with me, anonymous...I'm always moving and the jokes fly fast and furious.

By the way, the idea for Guapo comes from "The Three Amigos" - one of the most underrated comedies of our time...and the scene where El Guapo discusses his "plethora"...awesome.

AngryMan said...

I always go for the high-pulp orange juice. No one else seems to like it, though, so it's getting harder to find.

Anonymous said...

One world.

Anonymous said...

In Ireland, saying something is made in Ireland is guaranteed to lower it's sales, no matter how hard we try, we have a weak spot for all things foreign (unless they're people).

Titania Starlight - I would guess it's because your oranges are crap compared to everywhere elses, correct me if I'm wrong? :)

E - how is that even possible? I don't think I would want to buy juice in a bag...

linda said...

At the moment we have in our supermarket grapes from the USA. Garlic from China. I hate having to always feeling obliged to take some sort of moral ground when I but food, clothes, dispose of my rubbish, drive my car, buy my make up (not tested on animals)blah blah blah.

I just wanna eat.

Not think.

Anonymous said...

I really cannot believe that you were not aware of this important issue. In fact, I think George Bush has declared war on imported orange juice. Did you hear his recent speech "I will not rest until I have defeated imported orange juice. Please give me 45million dollars so we can end this crisis. Then we will withdraw our troops from the orange groves. Gee whiz guy!

Baba Doodlius said...

I don't know about you, but I've been hoping we could *export* O.J. for the past, oh, 12 years or so.

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