It appears that Juan Valdez has branched out.
Immigrant orange juice.
I had no idea this was a big idea.
I went to get my daughter her morning glass of OJ this morning, when I noticed a rather large tag hanging from the cap.
“You might not have realized, but the other major brands are importing some of their orange juice. Not us.”
No, actually, I didn’t realize this.
And (this may come as a shocker to some people) nor do I care, really.
As long as the orange juice actually tastes like orange juice, and doesn’t give me explosive diarrhea because of it’s E-Coli content, I couldn’t give a sh*t where my oranges come from.
My criteria for choosing orange juice is as follows:
1) Is it orange?
2) Is it juice?
3) Was it painted in China?
If they’re round…and orange…and have juice in them…then it’s pretty much met my orange juice criteria for drinkability.
Now, I know this is probably upsetting the local orange grower who is religiously reading “Mental Poo,” and I might lose a reader…but…really…
…has the hatred of imported products and love of country gone so far as to taint the ORANGE JUICE industry? Are there orange juice lobbyists, currently staking out the Capitol building, prepared to wage war on Chile’s citrus industry?
Now…when you pick up a quart of OJ in the store, do you stop and think:
“Hey…this juice came from Guatemala from a company named 'El Orange-O Juice-O! (My ignorance of the Spanish language believes that everything starts with "El" and ends in "-O"). I cannot, in good conscience, eat a Guatemalan orange.”
..or do you say…
“Oh, no pulp AND calcium?! It’s a win-win!”
I’m sure if the powers-that-be could have foreseen that NAFTA would wreck havoc amongst the citrus juice industry, that thing never would have passed.
…and let’s be honest here on two points:
#1: Orange Juice is not Hypocrit-free
The executives at the Orange Juice company are NOT driving Chevy Aveo’s or Harley Davidsons to support the national economy. Noooo. They’re driving BMW’s and Lexus’ and Ferrari’s, and pulling that sh*t up to the neighborhood Thai restaurant where 14-year old kids are working for less than minimum wage while sweating ju-ju's into your Pad Thai, while the illegal Mexican valet guy parks his car.
They may take the old Ford truck into the orange grove to check on the trees while accompanied their driver (named Guapo), but that's about as close to a domesticated product that they probably get to.
#2: Illegal immigrants are probably picking this sh*t in Florida, anyway.
...sorry for ratting you out, Guapo.
Anyway, we already bought the orange juice…so it’s not like I’m a scab or anything.
I hope Guapo appreciates it.