Is there an Emoticon for Midget Porn? | Mental Poo

Monday, November 05, 2007

Is there an Emoticon for Midget Porn?


No…sorry…I’m not a real midget.

My IM name says otherwise (it starts "midgetman…") …but no – I’m not an actual midget.

I was teaching a class in my last job one day, and my Instant Message window opened up. It was an IM from someone I had never heard of before. It went something like this:

..mind you..I’m in the middle of a class.

***********************
SomeGirl: Hello?

Me: um…hi?

SomeGirl: Saw your profile. How tall are you?

Me: um…what? Who is this?

SomeGirl: Like, can I pick you up and toss you around?

Me: mom?

SomeGirl: Do you like being tossed around? How tall are you? Do you like being carried around by your women like a backpack?

Me: Ooookay.

Me: Listen, I’m not an actual midget. I’m, like, 5-foot-2.

(…pause…)

SomeGirl: Oh.

(..pause..)

(SomeGirl has signed out)
***********************

WTF?!

So – this kind of freaked me out a bit.


It also implanted the imagery of naked chicks tossing midget men around like stuffed animals at a Build-A-Bear factory.

...I still have the nightmares...

It also reminded me that Instant Messaging can be dangerous. It emboldens you when you can talk to someone without actually talking to someone.

..which can be a bad thing...just ask those stupid sick pricks who get caught by Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC.

Anyway...a case in point:

I was working in my last job, and we had a guy in our group that was a total and utter jackass. I’ll call him, oh, "Barry". I hated Barry. I think I still hate Barry.

Barry would leave the bathroom without washing his hands, and would be found later chewing his fingernails right before typing on your keyboard.

He was annoying…he grossed me out…I could NOT stand him.

Anyway, one day after some argument with Barry, I sat down at my computer and IM’d one of the girls in my group:

***********************
Me: That f*cking Barry drives me nuts. I hate him so much. I want him to die.

(...no reply after a while...)
***********************
I closed the window.

A few minutes later the window reopened:

..it's from Barry...

***********************
Barry: What?
***********************

I’m thinking to myself, “what what?”

Then I look up.

I had actually IM’d Barry.

I had told him directly that not only did he drive me nuts, but that I hated him.

…and it would be good if he was dead.

Crap.

My response?

***********************
Me: LOL
***********************

What the Hell else was I going to write? So busted. I knew I could probably kick his ass (unless he tried touching me with his boogery, crap-covered paws)…so I tried to laugh it off as a joke.

Ugh.

But, believe it or not, this happens more often than not.



But it gets just a bit better if you can hang on just a minute longer...

The best story is from my last job, where I worked in a group that had an African-American guy in it.

In this job, we used Instant Messenger to communicate with our partner group in Oregon.

Meanwhile, in Oregon, a new person was hired in our group (keep in mind, I’m on the East coast).

She was a white woman, middle-aged, with two grown daughters.

However, for some reason, her IM name was something along the lines of “Miss-Black.”

…this caught the eye of our own African American employee, Clyde…who (being a total player) assumed that Miss-Black was a hot woman of the same ethnicity as his.



As such, he opened up his IM program and typed in a message to her:

I want to f*ck you

..but he didn’t send it.

He just let it sit there.

Being very proud of himself, he then called over one of our other guys to show him what he just typed…

…telling him, “..wouldn’t it be funny” if he DID send it?

So, the other guy comes over, looks at it and laughs.

…then he reaches across Clyde, and hits the “Enter” key on Clyde’s keyboard.

Message sent.

Oh no.

They both did a simultaneous “Oh….sh*t….”

And, unfortunately, there’s no “unsend” or “OH MY GOD SHUT DOWN THE OTHER PERSON’S COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!!” button in Instant Messaging.

Needless to say, much hilarity ensued as they both got paraded to HR when the woman complained. I mean, she really, really bitched about it.

Somehow, neither one of them managed to lose their jobs…

...thus paving the way for most of my IM conversations to this very day…

…to Miss Black.


Thanks guys.

25 comments:

jedimacfan said...

Why not just let people think you really are a midget? SomeGirl coudl have been hot and she might give you photos or a personal show. If nothing else, you could repost the photos and videos here, for us, your loyal fans! But noooooo.... You think only of yourself you greedy fuck. I think I liked you better as a midget.

C.Rag said...

I've had that fear that I will send an IM to the wrong person.

That haunts me.

Yay Midget Porn !

Prin said...

hehe... That's funny stuff. :D Poor stinky, nasty Barry. :( Too bad you didn't tell him why you wanted him to die at the same time. Maybe it would have made him think about things a little.

I do that wrong IM message thing sometimes, but it's usually when it's a fast reaction. Like somebody'll say something shocking, and somebody else will get the :-O
:D

Elise said...

Guilty...

I accidently sent the message, "Tommy's cute but I heard he has a really small thingy" to the WRONG person!

I never heard from Tommy... I hope he's ok

Joeprah said...

Hillarious as always. You rule.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

so, i know you arent technically a midget, but you know of my aspirations to wrestle one in lime jello. if youre ever in minneapolis, and interested...

yeah, IMs are awesome things. it allows coworkers to express hate for each other to other coworkers, and then play the cut n paste game. i love it! take someones SN and change what they said for a horrible conversation that goes like this:
Me: what do you think of kristy
coworker:she's a skinny sack of pigshit who should've been aborted.

granted my coworker said NONE of this, but when it was pasted to her, it sure as hell looked like she did. LEGITIMATE COMEDY!!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Mental Poo is so hot and sexy.

I wanna fuck him!


Oh shit did I hit enter?????

moooooog35 said...

This actually happened to a guy here I work with last week - who IM'd me with:

"Joe is such a prima donna"

..but he IM'd Joe instead of me.

What makes this funnier is that my buddy has only worked here for, like, two weeks...and he's already basically telling people off to their face.

On the other hand, I had no ideas that midgets were this intriguing to women.

..kinda weird ladies..kinda weird...

But good for the actual midgets, I guess.

PB&Junk said...

Thank you for confirming my lonliness in New England.

moooooog35 said...

Hey PB&J - didn't mean to make you feel alone. However, you're right - there is definitely a minority up here...moreso in NH where I'm from, than in Massachusetts, though (where I work).

My High School in New Hampshire had one (ONE) African American guy in it. At my 20-year reunion, one of the girls brought her husband, an African American.

Much embarrassment ensued as everyone assumed this guy was the one guy we had in High School.

..very ugly to watch. Luckily, I was friends with this guy, so I kind of just sat back and watched people shove their feet in their mouths.

Kitterman's Khaos said...

and all this time I have been grooming you because I thought you WERE a midget!! wtf!?!? this is false advertising!! I want my money back.

you crack me up.
much love~d

Biscuit said...

IM's I have no trouble with, but the handy gmail address book has almost gotten me into trouble. I was sending a...um...crap...ALRIGHT, it was a nekkid picture (tasteful and artsy, mind you) to a friend who's name starts with the letter S. S is also the first letter in the word "Scouts," as in Daisy Scouts, and I was the troop leader. I almost sent a nekkid picture of myself to the entire Daisy troop.

Un[Censored] said...

Ya know, this reminds me of a friend of mine...she used to work for one of those 900 number companies...the most asked for woman was a 500 pound piece of trailor trash. She would come in every day with a bag of suckers and by the end of the day, they were all gone...

Un[Censored] said...

Ya know, this reminds me of a friend of mine...she used to work for one of those 900 number companies...the most asked for woman was a 500 pound piece of trailor trash. She would come in every day with a bag of suckers and by the end of the day, they were all gone...

Missyb64 said...

I was on AOL IM one day under my now husband/then boyfriend's signon ID. Of course, I was annoyed with him about some silly something so before you could say "clickety clickety clickety enter", I had hooked him up with a 400 lb SWF chat buddy who sat online all the time and stalked him every time he tried to log on. He actually had to set up another user ID to get away from her! In my defense, except for the whole weight thing, oh and the unfortunate dental situation, she really seemed like a nice girl!

Baba Doodlius said...

Hey Jim,

I was just reading this other blog called "Mental Poo". It's so stupid! They guy who writes it must be a total dick-for brains.

Anyway, I hope you're having a nice day and that your butt acne clears up.

-BD

Baba Doodlius said...

Uhhh, please ignore that last comment.

Malach the Merciless said...

You know what I find entertaining about midgets, you have to be 4'7" to qualify as one, like the guy who is 4'8" is better off.

It's like the mentally retarded, technically anyone 75 IQ or under is MR, cause the guy with the 76, or even 85 is better off.

Vanessa said...

Love the Miss Black story! Pretty cool that you guys used IM at work, though, great way to keep connected.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

My biggest im worry is that I'm chatting away and another friend pops up and I give them the wrong part of the conversation. Serious foot in mouth disease.

clairec23 said...

OMG @ biscuit's confession

I get panicky everytime I send a message to someone because I am more than likely going to send it to the wrong person - that's just how I roll...

One time, I was having this kind of secret thing with a bloke at work (secret as in neither of us wanted anyone to know...Ever) and he sat right next to a bloke that had been asking me out for ages but I told him I had just got out of a relationship, I wasn't interested in going out with any of them, not just him.

The two of them would be IMing and texting me at the same time, it got confusing. One day, I went out for, erm, "lunch" with the first bloke, then sent him a text later basically telling him that the second bloke had been asking where I was...except that I sent it to the second bloke...it was a highly incriminating message, but I managed to squirm my way out of it ha (although it all came out in the end - the reject, I mean, second bloke, got quite nasty about it though...)

missyb64 said...

Oh and another thing on the IM topic (sorry, got nothing on little people, can't and don't want to contribute to that one!)

My office self-immolating tactic has been to IM snark about someone in my office - someone like Mark, the fuggly bug/playah at the end of my row- then forget to minimize the window and the snarkee walks into my cube. "What? That? Oh no, I didn't mean you Mark, I meant Mark Smith, down in IT, you know, the big goober in the back cube. He's such a jerk!" At that point you learn that apparently there's a Mark Fraternity in your company (who knew?) and your big goobery Mark is the Godfather of all four of goobery Mark from IT's goobery kids. Shit!

The origin of Fu said...

not sure if there is an emoticon for it, but I have been to a bar where the entrance stamp was Kanji for Midget Sex.

Gauche said...

o.O? oh my....

Steyny said...

Midgets are funny, you are no exception moog! xD

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