"Nik-luk click-click pop" means "Give me your money" | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

"Nik-luk click-click pop" means "Give me your money"

WARNING: Today is an angry rant. They don't come often, but they do come.

..hey..just like me!

(OK...back to the post)

Church sucks.

If you've read my rant about "The God Guy," you'll know how I feel about religion. It's okay...you can pop on over to it...I'll wait...

I'm good like that.

A few weeks ago, it was my week to take my daughter to church, but I somehow managed to egg out of it.

Mind you, unless you're dead or getting married, you won't see me in a church.

So, I guess this limits it to "getting married" - since you're not seeing too much if you're dead.

I should probably think more before I right sh*t down.

Anyway, the fact that I missed it turned out to be a good thing (duh), because my wife came home with her Church-report…and it got me kind of mad.

Apparently, our church was hosting another priest from Honduras.

This priest, apparently, stood up to address the crowd - which I found amazing, as I thought everyone from third world countries spoke in clicks and beeps...like dolphins...or "Starvin Marvin" from South Park.

and made something similar to the following remarks:

He was appalled by the way that people were spending hundreds or thousands of dollars of their money on – God forbid – THEMSELVES…instead of sending money to feed the poor and desolate in his country.

Specifically, he was LITERALLY telling people who shelled out hundreds of dollars to go to the Red Sox playoff games that they were going to Hell because they weren’t sending their money his way.

I’m thinking that I wouldn’t have been able to control myself at that point.

It would have taken all of my effort to not stand up and ask:

"WHO has tickets to the playoffs?! Do they have any extra?!”

And…let’s be honest here…watching Jonathan Papelbon close out a game for the Sox is as close to any modern-day religious experience that you’ll find.


I’m going to Hell because the money that I EARNED didn’t go to the people in your country who aren’t smart enough to MOVE out of the f*cking desert?!?

(By the way, if you've never seen Sam Kinison (I saw him live when he was alive) you really missed out. Here he is on World Hunger):

But I don’t get it.

I understand that we’re supposed to help those who need help. I get it.

When I have something that’s in really sh*tty shape, or is broken, I always find a way to give it to a charity.

That’s the kind of guy I am.


Giving my broken crap away.

..it's for the kids, you know.

But – really – this guy is harping on ME for not giving my money away?

Let me tell you something – I just dropped 5 bucks into this friggin’ basket to fund your TRIP here.

Did you walk here or fly?

I’m guessing you flew..in a plane..that cost money.

Did you get a rental car, or did one of the priests pick you up in the Escalade?

Let me guess – you ate WHERE last night?

Did you go out for seafood? Steak? What?

Why don’t you have a nice bowl of tapioca and then pocket the change you would have spent going to Legal Seafoods and give it to the family of 12 you have back in Honduras so they can enjoy some cornmeal.

You know what? Instead of food, let’s buy them condoms so they can:

a) STOP making more kids...
b) that need more food...
c) that your country doesn’t have...

Christ...even I can get behind THAT plan.

Oh…I forgot...the Catholic church doesn’t believe in condoms.

Well, then this is YOUR fault, isn’t it?

I looked at my wife and said, “You didn’t raise your hand? You didn’t say anything?”

It aggravates the sh*t out of me for thinking she had to sit there and take that crap.

I know there are people in that crowd that now feel guilty for actually buying their kids Sketchers instead of flip-flops.

They shouldn’t, but this guy is making them feel like they should.

So next week, when I go, I’m hoping that they have another guest speaker.

Just in case, I’m wearing as much bling-bling as I can.


[Un]Censored said...

I couldn't agree with you more. WTF, we have enough problems with having to support welfare moms with 19 kids, we can't afford to feed the entire world!!!
Sell your pope hat and feed them yourself!

Elise said...

That pisses me off too to a certain extent.

I was always brought up to put aside charity money from my monthly salery.

Apparently its "not enough" and I should let go of material things in order to be closer to God.

I think they need to stop lying so they can clean their slate before they die and meet God!

Whew I'm glad I got that off my chest!

FreeOscar said...

They do believe in man boy love.

Hungry Mother said...

When I used to go to church, while I was not listening to the idiot of the day railing at the congregation, I used to enjoy watching everyone else in the congregation looking down instead of looking at the speaker. That tells a lot about the quality of the speaker and the congregation. The speaker is full of shit and the congregation doesn't want to be there but are chickenshit not to go to church. I'm happy to be free of all of that as a non-practicing pagan.

Forrest Proper said...

There's an update- just this week the Cardincal announced that anyone who votes for a Democrat is going to Hell as well [no, quite seriously- he did].

Heaven is gonna be a mighty lonely place soon.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of today's post was: "By the way, if you've never seen Sam Kinison (I saw him live when he was alive. . ." You saw him when he was alive? As opposed to seeing him when he was dead? Too funny!!

I'm from the Bible belt and ain't nobody getttin' my money!

Anonymous said...

I am so afraid to leave a comment.

Don't want to piss you off or anything.

DubLiMan said...

This sounds to me like a legitimate complaint. Have you considered submitting this to my complaint site? also? You might get some honest feedback. Just a thought....

Malach the Merciless said...

It pisses me off more the waste of money in the Church itself

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Great post! I would have walked out on that sermon...can't stand hypocrisy.

Anonymous said...

As kids my brother and I used to sit during sermon and fill out money envelopes with the dollar amount inside.... 10$, 20$, 50$, 100$ even 500$ once, lots of them, at least a dozen every Sunday. Then inside we would place a piece of paper with an I.O.U or sometimes just leave them empty. When the donation plate circled round, we would drop them in and feel like we had done our part.
Mom and Dad probably should have accompanied us to church. I suspect at times it was just a way for them to get some alone time on Sundays. Anyhow we never got caught, and probably will be joining you in hell.
much love~save us a hot seat~d

Moooooog35 said...

I'm surprised no one's on my ass about Starvin' Marvin.

You know, you go the extra mile to piss people off, and they just don't appreciate the effort, sometimes.

I forgot about the man-boy love thing.

You know, come to think of it, that DID look like Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC behind the pulpit.

Madseason said...

Excellent rant! Reading your post angers me as well because I despise religion's use of guilt in attempting to manipulate people into doing what they've determined is the 'right thing'. How dare they?? I think hell will burn hotter for people like that.

Madseason <--a Christian

P.S. I've linked to one of your blogs on mine. Did I need your permission?? Oh well. Too late now! ;)

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Anonymous said...

Just don't go to mass, simple as. That way, you get to stay home and flake out, do something interesting and never get on a guilt trip about it. My cousin is a nun (the whole family is still quite devastated) and if she gets money she gives it straight to the church. But where does that money go? All of our priests are pretty chubby, have red noses and drive niiiiiice cars. I do believe in charity but I don't think anyone should feel guilty about spending money on themselves and their own family. Feck that. I despise people who tell people they will go to hell if they don't do exactly what they want them to do. Blah, now I'm pissed off...

Gerri said...

you put your posts up in a 'different' way I must say. Yes, the church or at least some of them can be a bit much when it comes to money. My view on it is that people should give what they can when they can. It does say to tithe 10% in the Bible and you will be blessed. Giving money to Church should not be forced upon people and it should not be something that you see as a burden. You should just want to or not want to do it willingly.

prin said...

*high five*

Hungry Mother said...

Starvin' Marvin reminds me of a bloated Sally Struthers and then I laugh like hell. Since I don't believe in hell, I'm not going there.

Unknown said...

Starvin Marvin was hilarious. Does Honduras qualify as third world?

footiam said...

Religion is not all about money. If you don't go to churches, and in my case, temples, we can still live right.
Read the 8 fold path at http://dhammadelights.blogspot.com

whatagem said...

I work at a dry cleaners. Yesterday I got in some shirts that were size 7X. SEVEN X!!!!!

I wonder how much money THAT guy spent on food.

....Just so you know, I am a born again Christian and I try to read your blog whenever possible. I suspect you must've have had a bad church experience. You don't have to go to the church your wife goes to, or even a Catholic Church.

Perhaps you might investigate why true Christians are so happy all the time (REAL Christians, not the fakers)

I could tell you the reason:
The retirement plan. HA HA (lame joke, I know)

Baba Doodlius said...

Well, I read through the comments and didn't see any from "Sometimes Saintly Nick". I think he's aiming his howitzer at you right about... now.

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