Thanks be to Rod | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Thanks be to Rod


It's a short week here, because of Thanksgiving.

As such, there will be no Mental Poops from this point forward until Monday of next week.

I will be spending my Friday cursing God's name as I try to string row upon row of Christmas lights along the front of my house and...

OH MY GOD...WHY DO THEY KEEP GOING OUT?!?!?...GREAT...I JUST STEPPED IN DOG SH*T...SONOFABITCH...NOW I NEED ANOTHER EXTENSION CORD?!? A BIRD!! A BIRD JUST STOLE MY GLASSES!!!!!

I hate putting up lights.

Anyway, to my fans and readers, I apologize (special shout out here to Miss Cindy Crawford...luv ya, babe).

As such, I'd like to use this space today to mention those things that I, Moooooog35 (a.k.a., midgetmanofsteel), am thankful for.

Schmaltzy? Yes.

Filler? Yes.

Funny? Sh*t ya, I hope so.

Without further ado, here we go...

1) I'm thankful that God made me funny

Really.

Without this trait, I'd be just another short, balding, annoying guy, that everyone overlooks...literally.


They look RIGHT OVER ME. I'm THAT short.

Luckily, I get to use humor as my "in."

This is how I won my wife.

...who no longer thinks I'm funny...

...it does get annoying after a while, apparently.

I'm assuming that living with me is like painfully watching Robin Williams in "Patch Adams" (or, actually, just watching him in general).

Most of the time, my wife looks like this when I'm around:


Ooops...wrong picture.

That one's from my "Private Stash."

She looks like this, usually:



...ugh...the point is that she usually rolls her eyes.

...and not that she has a yellow, round, face.

(she's doing it now, I just KNOW it)

2) I live in New England

I live in a place where the absolute worst weather we have is...

...snow.

..ooooooooh....snowflakes...run away...

Yeah, every once in a while you might have to shovel it...but it probably won't:

a) Blow your house down (Tornados in the midwest...Hurricanes in the Southeast)
b) Burn your house down (California or west coast)
c) Wash your house away (anywhere near a river or - God forbid - a levee)
d) Swallow your house (California earthquakes)
e) Eat your children (alligators in Florida or Louisiana)


(consensus here is that Florida or California would be suckiest as far as disasters and alligators go...with the midwest following close behind if you live in a trailer (requirement in most Midwestern states))

Yeah. I have to shovel snow sometimes. Big deal. This is why God invented snowblowers (lucky snowmen), and the reason Subaru makes cars.

But I also live in an area of the country that actually has 4 seasons...and we're currently riding a big high in the sports world on almost all fronts.

There are places with better weather, sure...and some that actually don't have giant reptiles that want to eat you...but I'll stay here, thankyouverymuch.



3) My Family

This is broken into two: My Kids, and My Wife.

3A) My Kids

If you're not a parent, you don't get it.

When you don't have kids...you view them as you would think of a pet bunny:




They're cute to look at, fun to play with, but they still poop and you have to clean up after them.

..and you have to remember to change their food and water every so often.

But, my kids give me a reason to go to work, stay smart, and come home.

...and...

...they also make you appreciate a good vacation with just you and your wife.

...because no matter how much you love 'em, you just have to get the Hell away from those ungrateful little sh*ts every so often.

3B) My wife

Took a long time for me to realize this - but this woman has put up with a LOT of bullsh*t over the years, and deserves all the credit for keeping it together.

..plus, although I'm getting worse looking by the minute, she's doing a great job and not rubbing it in my face...

...at least, as much as she should be...


On a related note, I'm thankful that my friend Chris has little to no common sense when it comes to drinking.

Thanks, bud.

4) I'm Not Barry

If you haven't read it yet, READ it.


You'll see what I mean.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Enjoy your Turkey.

..or possum...or gator...or whatever the Hell they eat where you live.

Midgetmanofsteel (Moooooog35)

23 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

I enjoyed your list. I'll be eating acorn squash filled with lentils and rice ... yumm!

Missyb64 said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! Got the possum 'bout ready to go onto the fire and the chitlins are sure smellin' good! Looks like it'll be a good'n down here in the south!

Forget all that other cr*p, humor and a collective sense of "it's us against the kids" that keeps most marriages going after that first year or so.

Good luck with the lights there Clark! Owww, that had to hurt!

Anonymous said...

I think it's wonderful that you express so much love for your wife..if you realy mean it..and your kids...are they acting out or is it the bunnies...anyway I'm thankful that we are healthy period..even though my two sons aren't speaking which means we have to stay home, alone with our bad boy son...22 pounds of turkey for three...

mauniejames

moooooog35 said...

Our turkey is 28 pounds.

I think that actually qualifies it to be an ostrich or emu.

C.Rag said...

Barry so hot! I wish I could im him!

Mimzie said...

I'm not a Robin Williams fan either. I feel that that is something I have to keep to myself because people either love him or hate him and if you ever say you hate him to someone who loves him, well, let's just say, it's not pretty.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

What the hell?

We have to wait until Monday to hear from you again? How are we suppose to get our daily giggles?

FYI- When I was younger( I think it was last year) I use to dress up in my Underroo's and pretend like I was Wonder Woman.

Have fun getting tangled up in all the lights!

Skryker said...

Happy thanksgiving to you and good luck with your lights.

With the turkey coma coming on, no wonder you won't be blogging until Monday!

Pope Benedict XVI said...

No thanks to Jesus?

moooooog35 said...

Pope: I actually thanked Jesus yesterday. Well..come to think of it, it was more like a blindsided slap.

C.Rag: ew.

PrePo: Yeah. Back on Monday. Should have some good ammo between the lights fiasco and putting up my tree. So, I'll either be back Monday, or in the hospital.

Mimzie: I can take Robin Williams in doses. His "golf" skit - awesome. Everything else, just shut the f*ck up, please.

Madseason said...

Will miss your humor whilst you're 'on holiday' and hoping you don't lynch yourself with the Christmas lights. Otherwise we'll all have to find something else to laugh at - and that would be cruel of you to put us all on the spot like that.

I would comment more but... I gotta run from a hungry looking alligator... fortunately I don't have to put on my ski suit and ear muffs to do that! I'll just grab my flip flops, sunscreen and my Jimmy Buffet hat and be on my way!

(Yup. I live in Florida.)

Elise said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I going to do with my time until you come back...

My only source of laughter gone

Thanks... thanks alot!

Sara Sue said...

Happy T.G.! How did you go from Pitt to shit so quickly??

The Real Mother Hen said...

Ha wonder woman is your wife, no wonder you need a 28lb turkey :)
See ya on Monday :)

clairec23 said...

Have a great Thanksgiving!

All of my fav bloggers are deserting me...arseholes!

clairec23 said...

Have a great Thanksgiving!

All of my fav bloggers are deserting me...arseholes!

Colonel Colonel said...

28 pounds? Are you sure that's not a pig the butcher stuck some feathers on?

Happy Thanksgiving and have fun with the lights!

Slick said...

Damn Moooog, quit knockin' yourself man....with a little dental work, some plastic surgery, a hair cut, jawbone reconstruction, and chin liposuction.....you'll be good as new!

Snow...SUCKS.

Happy Thanksgiving dude!!

Malach the Merciless said...

I can tell, you want to do Barry

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving & don't hurt yourself putting up the lights!

Prin said...

Yey! lol This post was super funny. Your wife is hot (but a little crazy).

Have a great Thanksgiving. :)

I'm thankful you're funny too. And I'm thankful you won't be blogging for a day or two because I have to catch up. ;)

Ruth Hochman said...

LOL!!! Fantastic post!!!! Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!!!

Best,

Ruthie

punkdad said...

I live in Ontario same weather ,but crap seafood which blows .have good one

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