It's a short week here, because of Thanksgiving.
As such, there will be no Mental Poops from this point forward until Monday of next week.
I will be spending my Friday cursing God's name as I try to string row upon row of Christmas lights along the front of my house and...
OH MY GOD...WHY DO THEY KEEP GOING OUT?!?!?...GREAT...I JUST STEPPED IN DOG SH*T...SONOFABITCH...NOW I NEED ANOTHER EXTENSION CORD?!? A BIRD!! A BIRD JUST STOLE MY GLASSES!!!!!
I hate putting up lights.
Anyway, to my fans and readers, I apologize (special shout out here to Miss Cindy Crawford...luv ya, babe).
As such, I'd like to use this space today to mention those things that I, Moooooog35 (a.k.a., midgetmanofsteel), am thankful for.
Funny? Sh*t ya, I hope so.
Without further ado, here we go...
1) I'm thankful that God made me funny
Without this trait, I'd be just another short, balding, annoying guy, that everyone overlooks...literally.
They look RIGHT OVER ME. I'm THAT short.
Luckily, I get to use humor as my "in."
This is how I won my wife.
...who no longer thinks I'm funny...
...it does get annoying after a while, apparently.
I'm assuming that living with me is like painfully watching Robin Williams in "Patch Adams" (or, actually, just watching him in general).
Most of the time, my wife looks like this when I'm around:
That one's from my "Private Stash."
She looks like this, usually:
...ugh...the point is that she usually rolls her eyes.
...and not that she has a yellow, round, face.
(she's doing it now, I just KNOW it)
2) I live in New England
I live in a place where the absolute worst weather we have is...
Yeah, every once in a while you might have to shovel it...but it probably won't:
a) Blow your house down (Tornados in the midwest...Hurricanes in the Southeast)
b) Burn your house down (California or west coast)
c) Wash your house away (anywhere near a river or - God forbid - a levee)
d) Swallow your house (California earthquakes)
e) Eat your children (alligators in Florida or Louisiana)
(consensus here is that Florida or California would be suckiest as far as disasters and alligators go...with the midwest following close behind if you live in a trailer (requirement in most Midwestern states))
Yeah. I have to shovel snow sometimes. Big deal. This is why God invented snowblowers (lucky snowmen), and the reason Subaru makes cars.
But I also live in an area of the country that actually has 4 seasons...and we're currently riding a big high in the sports world on almost all fronts.
There are places with better weather, sure...and some that actually don't have giant reptiles that want to eat you...but I'll stay here, thankyouverymuch.
3) My Family
This is broken into two: My Kids, and My Wife.
3A) My Kids
If you're not a parent, you don't get it.
When you don't have kids...you view them as you would think of a pet bunny:
They're cute to look at, fun to play with, but they still poop and you have to clean up after them.
..and you have to remember to change their food and water every so often.
But, my kids give me a reason to go to work, stay smart, and come home.
...they also make you appreciate a good vacation with just you and your wife.
...because no matter how much you love 'em, you just have to get the Hell away from those ungrateful little sh*ts every so often.
3B) My wife
Took a long time for me to realize this - but this woman has put up with a LOT of bullsh*t over the years, and deserves all the credit for keeping it together.
..plus, although I'm getting worse looking by the minute, she's doing a great job and not rubbing it in my face...
...at least, as much as she should be...
On a related note, I'm thankful that my friend Chris has little to no common sense when it comes to drinking.
4) I'm Not Barry
If you haven't read it yet, READ it.
You'll see what I mean.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Enjoy your Turkey.
..or possum...or gator...or whatever the Hell they eat where you live.