Taking a Pass on the "Love thy Neighbor" thing | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Taking a Pass on the "Love thy Neighbor" thing

I hate my neighbors.

When I moved into my neighborhood, it was just me and my wife. We moved into a house previously owned by an older couple, who were very well liked and revered in the neighborhood.

…not so much, us.

We happened to move next door to Screaming-Wife-Unhappy-Husband-14-kids (SWUH).

Directly across the street from us was the entrance to a very short, dead-end road.

At the end of this dead-end road, two houses down, was Trailer-Trash-Bitch-with-Rottweiler (TTBR).

The house on the corner of this dead-end street (adjacent to my house) was populated by an older couple.

Each person in this couple was approximately 120-years old.

They seemed nice, and had their kids and grandkids over often…

They were Christian and family oriented…but we never really talked to them.

...because I really don't like old people...

...or young people...

...actually, I'm not fond of anyone, really.

...but I digress...

Anyway, with us having no kids as of yet, we went to the local shelter and adopted an 18-pound mutt…which I’m not sure qualifies as a dog…and may be often confused with a ferret or an oversized rat.

Every morning before work, I’d let my ferret-mutt-dog out on the front lawn to pee, poop, and effectively kill any chance I’d have of getting decent curb-appeal with my property. She was tied to the front stair railing with her leash and about 15-feet of lead.

My lawn looked poo-tastic.

One morning, at the ripe time of 5:30, I let my dog out the front door.

It was dark, and I couldn’t see much.

…but shortly after, I could hear my dog start barking…

I CAN NOT STAND people who let their dogs bark.

So as I looked out the front door to yell at my dog (or kick her or whatever), I happened to see it coming out of the top of my vision…

..a blackish-brown blur..

..TTBR’s Rottweiler..

There it was...

...that friggin’ horse-dog coming full fury at my ferret-mutt…all 18 pounds of her..

And there’s my dog, the brave little turd, barking like this is going to be one Hell of a match-up:

“Watch this, daddy…I’m gonna mess dis bitch up!”

I ran out and scooped up my dog as fast as I could and turned my back to the Rotty. The Rottweiler stopped, still barking, while I opened the door and threw my dog into the house.

..and lo and behold…here was TTBR walking down the street…

“I’m sorry..” she said, half-giggling...shaking her head like, "Oh well...whatcha gonna do..?"

She seems very lighthearted about the whole thing.

“Sorry about that," she says.

She acted like if I hadn’t scooped my dog up, that her dog would have just ran up, stopped, and the two animals would have started playing nice with toys painted brightly from China.


That dog would have EATEN my dog. One, maybe two, bites…tops.

This all sinks in...and I lose it.

“You F*cking B*tch! You better leash that F*CKING dog very F*CKING soon or I’m going to call the F*CKING cops down here and take your SH*TEATING dog and put him right the F*CK to sleep you stupid, STUPID F*CKING B*TCH!

She grabs her dog, horrified, and starts swearing back at me…like I had NO RIGHT to go off on her macaroni-and-cheese eating, WWE-watching, Jerry Springer wannabe, fat ass.

We’re now screaming obscenities at each other in the middle of the street.

It’s like a George Carlin concert but he has nicer hair than she does.

I honestly had no idea I knew that many swear words – I actually think I may have invented one or two during the bout. F’s and A’s and all combinations in between are flying like shotgun shells…

Keep in mind, it’s 5:30 in the morning.

..and then…in a momentary break in the action’s silence…I hear a very low, elderly voice call out from the house on the corner…



Apparently, people don’t like this sort of behavior prior to the crack of dawn.

We stopped. TTBR turned around and went home...her floral print moomoo whipping behind her.

And, apparently, the old people were now awake…now with the knowledge that I was not a practicing born-again Christian.

It took 5 more years to get those old people to acknowledge we existed on the street, and to not look at me with shame in their eyes.

F’ing dogs.


Polgara said...

Since my husband moved in both my immediate next door neighbours have sold their houses lol
One side a young girl had recently moved in and the other side, well whovever they are they move in this weekend, hope they're not like yours lol

FreeOscar said...

That reminds me of the time in college our neighbors were these old druggies who were still living in a college town with college students. It was around 2 in the morning & I hear this yelling & beer bottles shattering. I went to the window to see wtf was going on. Outside in the middle of the street were the two druggies with some chick that had experienced with every STDs. One of the druggies was yelling at her for not giving him head. The other druggie was trying to calm down the one who just wanted head.

I was about to go down there to give head just so they would shut up.

Moooooog35 said...

Grilled: I wish the majority of my neighbors would sell their houses.

C.Rag: ...mom...?

Anonymous said...

OMG I think we are neighbors!

Look out your front door.See me waving?

prin said...

LOL!! Dogs rock.

I think that 120 year old who told you to shut up was me. I do that sometimes. Nothing personal.

btw, I thinged you in a thingy. Check out my thing to see what I'm talking about. K? ;)

DubLiMan said...

Wow, all of my neighbors are really great. We all get along. However, there was a time about 8 years ago where there was a problem. We owned a German Shepard (Jerry Lee) whose job it was to guard the house and the back yard. He took his job very seriously. He actually killed, on two separate occasions, a couple of white fur balls who had gotten into our back yard. SO it was a love/hate relationship with us and the neighbors. They loved him because of the criminal element deterant, and hated him because they were a little scared, especially if they owned a little white dog. Well Jerry passed and now we have three Dachshunds. OK, I'm just rambling now.

Porsche said...

There is a striking resemblence between you and Brad Pitt. Weird.

I'm scared of old people.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Your block parties must be a riot.

Literally...a riot.

Anonymous said...

I would have slapped her one myself but then it's slightly more acceptable for me to do that. I hate people like that, seriously hate them.

My neighbours are all wierdos, I would love it if they could let people pass by without waffling away to them. I know I waffle, but that's different...because it's me.

My ma is cursed for neighbours, one is a prostitute with a shitload of kids who don't go to school and a teenage drug dealer that gets the gaff raided all the time. The other is completely fucking insane. it's a brother and sister both completely looney and both forget to take their medication. Either he bates the shit out of her at all hours or else she stands in her back yard screaming at people.

You're pretty lucky to have quiet old people as neighbours, seriously.

Anonymous said...

yeah our dogs have been the start of some drama in past neighborhoods.. but not cuase of not being leashed, because they don't like anyone to be on THEIR sidewalk.. We have probably been the topic of a few blogs discussing this.. at least we ourselves are nice people!

Rahul said...

Random old slut. Man I'm still cracking up at that.

But I will not stand for you lumping in mac and cheese eating with blue-haired betty.

Mac and chee is the bomb diggity.

Chickie said...

I'd have thrown rocks at her. I hate people.

Forrest Proper said...

Here's a recipe for a morning snack for her Rotti you could leave out by her driveway-

3 lbs raw hamburger
1 bottle Milk of Magnesia


Okay, honestly, this post literally made me laugh my ass off! ha ha ha! I wish I had something of more value to say but that's all i have for now!

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, my neighbor just draws on his garage pro Patriots slogans, and drinks

Tawnya Shields said...

Good for you! You need to take your talent and put it on a sitcom.

Sara Sue said...

You know ... you and your wife seem very familiar to me.

AngryMan said...

If you had just carried a gun, you could have scared off the dog and killed the neighbor. Then you could have adopted the Rotty and had a real dog.

Moooooog35 said...

Once this dog kicks the bucket, I think I'm done with dogs. I can't stand the minefield of poo in my yard, plus the fact that every so often, she comes in with a dingleberry stuck to her paw...subsequently tracking little poo-prints all over the house.

I think, after all, we'll get that damn Squawks McCaw bird. No poop required.

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