Whack Friday (..or..."Boner Jams '07") | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Whack Friday (..or..."Boner Jams '07")

"Call your doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours."

I almost called.

…but I digress…

So let’s back up a bit...as this is really an update on My Sticky Icky Advent Calendar.

So, the day after Thanksgiving is normally called “Black Friday.”

This is the day that freaks from all over the country line up at 2 in the morning to score deals at stores for Christmas.

…and to try to funnel through single mall doors ultimately resulting in the death and/or dismemberment of other shoppers because of the resulting stampede.


Anyway, for us, Black Friday meant freedom.

My mother informed us that she would be taking the children to see “Bee Movie” that Friday. The wife and I were ecstatic. We couldn’t, honestly, remember the last time we had the house to ourselves.

So what did the wife and I do?

Make Jell-O shots?

Play naked Twister?

...well…kind of….

Unfortunately, Black Friday is also the day that I’m tasked with putting up the Christmas tree AND doing the lights in the front of the house.


As is typical, Thanksgiving was close to 60 degrees.

Do I choose to do the outside lights on a 60-degree day?


I do them on the following Friday.

Which was 37 degrees and windy.

And, as is also typical, the amount of lights that are actually WORKING are cut in half from the previous year.

Add to the fact that I can hear my wife inside on the phone giggling, while I’m cutting my hands on wires and twisty ties, and my mood just goes south.

THEN she has the balls to bang on the window while she’s on the phone, laughing, and gives me the wave that says, “hey hon…having fun? I know you’re not but tough shit..ha ha”…and I’m ready to kill.

After two hours of swearing and yelling and making up songs (I made up this one this year sung to or about no one in particular…just summing up my feelings in putting up the lights: “I hate Christmas lights…oh, yes I do….I hate Christmas lights…and I hate yoooouuuu….”)

(honey, that was NOT about you...it was just a hate song, and I needed a word to rhyme with "do"...I promise)

Anyway…you can see how well I get into the Christmas spirit.


…back to the alone time…

So, lights done, the wife and I were able to snag some quick (as in, mouse-quick) alone time before the kids got home.

It was so quick, in fact, that I'm coining a new phrase:

"Ridiki-quickie" - short, for "Ridiculously Quick Quicky"

As in:

Me: "Ok..I'm in. OK...I'm done."

Wife: "Great. A Ridiki-quickie. It's fine, I have to make the kids' lunches and I only had 2 minutes to spare anyway."

(I can hear the ladies swoon)

One 3-Musketeers gone.

Anyway, later in that day, I was taking Cool-Whip out of the fridge.

I looked at my wife.

She looked at me holding said Cool-Whip...and gave me the naughty-eye.


She said something to the effect of, “When’s the last time we did twice in one day?”


I try to think.

In my head, the calendar starts flipping back like I’m going through time in an old black and white movie…

Let’s see…

Well, I’m 39 now…

…subtract the square root of 7 divided by pi….carry the four….

“Oh, Christ,” I said…”I have no idea.”


With this in mind, and with about a half-hour prior to the kids going to bed…I go for backup:

Levitra (a registered trademark of the Stiff Johnson & Stiff Johnson corporation)

Why I have these are not important. What IS important is that my get-up-and-go had got-up-and-went a while ago.

I had no idea what toll would be taken on my junk if I was to – gasp – try a second time only a mere 8 hours apart.

..so I ran upstairs and secretly popped one…”She’ll be so impressed,” I’m thinking…

NOW I’m prepared to go…

LOOK OUT WORLD! Daddy's going for #2!!!

I then run back downstairs…to find….

…my wife bent over the kitchen island holding her side, suddenly nauseous…a stomach flu…virus…something…

“I don’t feel very good,” she says.


..blood drains from my face...

..it's not going to happen...

And I just popped my pill.

..and she just popped my balloon…

And now I’ve got the infantry coming….without a battle to win!

With the kids in bed, my wife conked out on the chair.

(In the meantime, deep within my little midget loins, Mr. Winky is silently itching for a fight...but he ain’t gonna be getting one)

Hoping for the best, we head to bed.

My wife falls asleep.

Oh well.

I close my eyes…and try to drift to slumberland…


…and then…

…somehow, it happens.



The kick is up. The kick is good.

I can no longer sleep on my stomach.

..what was I thinking of to cause THIS?!?...oh well...need to get rid of it so I can sleep...

Think grandma…think grandma…think grandma….

I go to the bathroom, hoping it’s a pee-boner

It’s not a pee-boner.

However, in the hopes that it is a pee-boner, I DO almost end up breaking the thing in half trying to wrench it down to aim it into the toilet while sprawled almost horizontally, hands against the wall, to get a better angle (I should have just ran into the kids’ bathroom, peed all over the place, and blamed it on my son).

…finally…it goes away….

…for, like, about an hour.




What the…?

I have the Jason Voorhees of penises! It…won’t…DIE!!!!!

…grandma, grandma, grandma…

...not working...try something worse...

…Minnie Driver, Minnie Driver, Minnie Driver….

Eventually..it goes away…phew.

…for about an hour…



This time, wife snoozing….I decide to take matters into my own hands.


Another 3-Musketeers bites the dust.

A job well done….I drift to sleep.

Well…at least, one of us drifts off to sleep….


(queue Jaws music)






This is how my Friday night went. An average of one woody-per-hour (wph) for the entire night.

If I ever enter the runt porn industry, I know what I’ll need in my backpack when I show up the first day...you know, aside from my red pumps.

At one point, I actually considered calling my doctor (what’s the ad say?: “Contact your doctor if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours…as it may indicate a serious medical condition?”…and now I’m going on 8 hours…)

I got a total of two hours of sleep.

I woke up with a headache.

On the bright side, Whack Friday killed off THREE 3-Musketeers bars.

I'm past my halfway point.

But..never, ever, ever again.

I had a much better time stringing my f*cking lights.


Anonymous said...

OMG that's the funniest thing ever..can't ever let hubby see this...he's convinced that if he trys even one pill he will take a heart attack and instantly die...I said I'd mix it in his food (only kidding) we have a friend who's not even 40 that takes them all the time..hubby thinks he can because he's younger..did you ever tell wifey?.......mauniejames

Elise said...

wow! so you really sprung up huh?

I don't really know what to say... did you enjoy your chocoltae bars?


Polgara said...

Ha ha thats fantastic! A friend of mine tried pills but everytime he and his wife tried to do anything it went away...until they stopped and then came back!
Not the best night they ever had!

FreeOscar said...

You should have instead done a little midnight sleep poking with your wife.

It works for me.

Anonymous said...

Too funny. Can my boyfriend and I have you left over pills? No seriously.

Anonymous said...

Why did you waste the stiffy????

You could have strung lights on it and been all kinds of festive.

Rahul said...

Christmas lights 1
Sex 0

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

And your wife slept through the whole thing? :D *lmao*

Moooooog35 said...

PrePo: I tried stringing lights on it, but it ended up looking like Charlie Brown's tree...with approximately one light being perched atop.

..sad little Christmas willy...

My wife slept through the whole thing, yes.

And, no, I didn't have the heart to wake her up with a gentle poking...she was sick, after all...

This is the first time she'll hear of this. I KNOW she's running upstairs to check the calendar as we speak.

Malach the Merciless said...

hey, aren't the two of your supposed to sit side by side in the coutryside, holding hands in seprerate tubs?

Forrest Proper said...

I was with you right up to the point you disparaged my GoddessQueen, the Babe-a-licious Minnie Driver. But that's ok, you had arough night and are probably a bit hallucinatory.

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: You know, I never did get that tub reference...and where the Hell are they getting the water for it? Did Jack and Jill REALLY need Cialis?

Colonel: Sorry, dude...she is nastification personified. I'll give you that there are times when three inches of spackle can make her look OKAY...but otherwise, she looks like a foot with wide jawbones.

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

I just wonderin'...why DO you have those pills anyway??

Tequila Mockingbird said...

if you have a boner that lasts longer than 7 hours it's time to call a prostitute.

Deon said...

This has to be the funniest blog ever. Every one of your stories cracks me up!

Please take another pill tonight for our reading enjoyment tomorrow!

BudgetBride said...

What a great blog post!!!! So, did the kids like B-movie? I read all this way and I'm dying to know .... ;)

Should've hung up those lights when the hangin' was good ... ;)

By the way, thanks for commenting on my blog and videos. I was hoping to see you in the same costume I had!

Michelle Hix said...

Are you flippin serious? This is hilarious. I hope you don't mind if I post a link to this on my blog (can I do that?). Sooooo funny! By the way, the other day I was cleaning out the fridge and I pulled out the whip cream and said "honey, should I throw out this whip cream?" I swear this is true...he says "you might as well, I don't have anything to eat it on." I kid you not! I just looked at him and shook my head and said "are we that old?"

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks for the pee-boner position instruction. I usually opt for an outdoors whiz in that case. If I'm forced indoors I sometimes drop to my knees to shorten the distance that the spray has to travel, but it hurts getting up from the floor.

Tawnya Shields said...

Whew, you just made the room get real hot! I have to get my man some of those. He is always running from me. I am the sex maniac at my ranch.
That naked hairy man with the Jason dong was kind of hot. Yeah, I am a closet freak. LOL!!!!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Ah the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals. Just think if you had taken a Cialis that woodage would've (say that three times fast) lasted 36 hours. The French don't call it Le Weekend for nothing.

AngryMan said...

Making the lady sick from sex. You need to see a doctor, friend, you've got the poison peter.

Chickie said...

Your poor weiner. Was it chapped?

Emmy said...

Hello dear friend it is so good to be back and to read and enjoy your blog again....yay :)

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you didn't piss off your wife cos that suddenly falling ill bit sounds suspicious :)

prin said...

lol @ the post, but seriously? Only half way done? I'm very disappointed in you. :D

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