Legit Question

My laptop here at work is literally 7 years old and is pretty dog slow. This is mainly because of my excessive porn collection that has been encrypted and takes up all of my disk space, but whatever.

So I put in a request for a new one recently and have been waiting patiently while simultaneously increasing my encrypted porn collection.

That was, until this morning when I received this from IT:

 Seriously.

I'm not about to go resetting all my passwords for all my work applications, but I'm also a bit hesitant to give this guy my password because, well, it's filthy.

Like, 'sex toy' filthy. But it has special characters and shit in it but the special characters make it look like the sex toy is having relations.

I'm nothing if not creative.

But short of having this guy sign a non-disclosure agreement and submitting himself to a lie detector test, the easier option was to just tell him what the password was. But first I needed to make sure that my password would not find it's way to the hot chick from Human Resources.

By the way, having a hot chick work in HR that you can't hit on is one of the Circles of Hell, I'm pretty sure.

I got this back and then, putting all my trust in Don, replied:

Then I started packing up my stuff because I was pretty sure I was going to be either walked out at any moment, or the HR woman would come and drag me to the lactation room where we would have wild relations.

I live in my own mind.

But, instead, I got this:

PHEW.

Bullet dodged.

Ha. Bullet.

That's a sex toy, too.

The Honeymoon Playlist

I'm getting married TOMORROW.

O_O

Given it's our second wedding each, we just did a small little gathering at a local restaurant and I will probably just wear a tuxedo shirt like my son is doing. Should be hysterical.

Not for the bride, probably. But this day isn't all about her SO STOP BEING SO SELFISH, KERRI.

But the place we rented for the day lets us plug in our own devices and play our own playlists so I've taken it upon myself to come up with some of these myself.

As is my custom to not take anything seriously and have complete disregard for the feelings of those closest to me in order to be self-serving, I give you today's playlist:

The Honeymoon Playlist

I figured it would only be fair to stop shitting all over the institution of marriage and give Kerri a playlist that she could laugh at, too.

These songs are best read in order, top left to bottom right, for full effect.

At least I have manners.

Other suggestions are welcome. As are iTunes gift cards - these songs ain't cheap.

Some more dirty conversations - you may never look at 'stocking stuffers' quite the same again

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Toil and Trouble, etc., etc.

So I recently went out and got a hot tub because, well, last year the kids and I went somewhere that had a hot tub and I told them I'd get one and GOD FORBID I break a promise to them so please make a donation to my PayPal account so I can recoup the money I spent on this effing thing.

Thanks in advance.


Regardless, we've been enjoying this thing ever since we had it delivered the second time.

I say "second time" because the first time went like this:

Delivery Guy: "Hi. We're here with the hot tub."

Me: "Um. Just two of you? Also, you're, like, 12. Are you even allowed to drive?"

DG: "Yeah. Why?" (counting in his head) "With you it makes 3 people."

Me (pointing to hot tub on their trailer): "Um. That thing weighs 800 pounds and it's going on my deck."

DG: "Yeah. Do you have any friends to help? Actually, it doesn't matter. I don't know how we'll get it into your backyard."


So a rescheduling, several phone calls, 2 hours spent taking my chain-link fence down so the truck could go through and $175 to hire someone to cut the railing off my deck and my hot tub is ginormous and hot and bubbly and causing a 300% increase in my electricity bill.

So that was totally worth it.

Anyway, I've been totally trying to plan an end-of-the-summer party at my house because my parties are pretty awesome and figured I'd make it a 'Hot Tub Party' because nothing says 'party party party' like a bunch of people outside wet and naked when the cops show up at 1 am.

True story.

Then I started thinking of what kind of hot tub related party games we could come up with so I started making a list:

Hot Tub Party Game Ideas:

1) Bobbing for Genitalia

2) Boob Buoyancy Competition

3) Jet Bubble or Fart?

4) Musical Bathing Suits

5) Spin the Chlorine Bottle

6) Mystery Handjob

7) Who's Foot is This?!

That's all I could think of for now. Feel free to submit your very own ideas.

I'll keep you all posted on dates.

Moog out.

Some more dirty conversations. Kind of.

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Just Some Dirty Conversations

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May the reacharound be with you.

I was at my girlfriend's house and noticed this picture in one of her kid's "Star Wars - Clone Wars" coloring books on the table:


Ah. A picture of Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker's Jedi apprentice who is apparently getting ready to engage someone in..

..engage in..

..um..


Caption options:

1) Sadly, Anakin's new 'Jedi Cloak of Invisibility' only worked on his concealed parts.

2) Ahsoka Tano proudly displays her new 'Strap-on Saber.'

3) A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...someone made a light saber handle that looked like a great big penis.

4) "The Force is dong with this one."

I feel I've thought way too much about this. Actually, I just felt these captions come to me.

Typical for a Jedi, really.

Shelf Elf Kama Sutra

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You want to spank my what?

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