Blue Man, A.T (After Toilet Paper) | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Blue Man, A.T (After Toilet Paper)


The toilet paper finale wasn’t bad at all.

No, no...

I'm not talking about my MASSIVE Bowel Movement after eating all of that Christmas food.

..which really was quite spectacular.

I should have taken pictures.

Again.

But I digress...

I'm talking a Blue Man Group post-mortem.

Here we go...

So…we went to see Blue Man Group on Sunday.

It was – as usual – AWESOME.

But, the day before we went – Saturday – I decided to go to the website and get some updated directions to the theater.

"Oops...that's video porn...how did I pop on there?"


(ten minutes and two tissues later, I actually GO to the "Blue Man" site)

On the "About the Show" page, I see it:

“Persons under the age of 5 are not permitted in the theater.”

Ah, Sh*t.

My son is four.

I’ve spent $280 bucks on these tickets.

Sh*t.

What will they do?

Check his ID? Ask for a birth certificate?

All he’s got is his fake ID that he uses to buy me medicinal marijuana…and it says his name is “McLovin.”


I’m not sure it will fly.

We’ll have to fake it.

Fine.

We’ll make him five.

For the next 8 hours into the following day, we drill him as follows:

Us:Cam…if someone asks you how old you are…you tell them ‘Five.’ Got it?

Cam:Got it.

We drill him on this for several hours.

Finally, we think he's on board with being five for a day.


Then...we then go through stress tests.

Like, in the middle of playing with his robots I jump into the family room:

Me: “How old are you, little boy?!”

Cam: “I’m five!”

I try using guerilla tactics to throw him off...

...like...

...sneaking up when he’s in the bathroom...

Me (breaking door down): “How old are you?!?”

Cam: (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY)

Me: “Sorry. Sorry. Finish going poo. And...um...don't worry about all that. My fault. I'll clean that mess up later.”

Anyway, we got him to answer “Five” every time.

Good boy.

Now, we stress to him that he’s to NOT tell someone his age unless he’s asked.

He gets it.

Good.


We go to Boston.

The first order of business is lunch.

We stop at a Bennigan’s in the Theater District, as my children will eat only the following things:

Daughter: Grilled Cheese or Hot Dog
Son: Chicken Nuggest or ‘Mac and Cheese’

Yep.

Connoisseurs of Cuisine, my children.

But, because my kids are so picky, the taste of Bennigan’s chicken nuggets sends my son into a fit of dry-heaves…as the chicken actually has some type of breading on it that doesn’t resemble Purdue’s dinosaur bits.


“Oh NOOOOOOO…..Breading!!!!!!”

This happens every so often, where I’m forced to yell at my son as he’s making the “I’m going to throw up face”:

DON’T SPIT IT OUT…SWALLOW IT…SWALLOW IT…

(which, come to think of it, reminds me that I have only 6 hours left on my Spice Channel On-Demand rental)

Great.


Fine.

Mac and Cheese it is.

4 people, 1 dry-heaving session, and 5 meals later…

...we head to the show.


…whereas upon handing the ticket to the guy at the door, my son deftly announces to everyone:

I’m five! My sister is seven!

Ugh.

Smooth, son. Very smooth.

But we got in.

As usual, the show was awesome.

And the toilet paper finale that my daughter was so worried about?

Well, it’s different when you’re in the balcony and get to throw it down on top of the people below you.

They had a BLAST.

…because we then got to LISTEN to the shuffling sound of the toilet paper avalanche (instead of being in it’s deadly, rampaging path) as it slowly crept towards the stage…

…where, unfortunately…two old women were sitting in the front row…

…helpless…little old ladies…


I can only assume that the massive amount of TP simply snapped their osteoporosis-plagued bones, folding them like origami, where they then disappeared beneath the seats.

…as I don’t remember seeing them after the show.

You live and learn with Blue Man.


If you read my blog, Agnes, you stupid old bitch...then you would have been prepared for the TP.

I warned everyone ahead of time.

Just ask my five year old son.

I mean…four.

18 comments:

mauniejames said...

Sounds as if you guys had fun..in
spite of the fact you scared your poor son for life..like Jack Benny he will be lying about his age forever...the two old ladies are fine..it was my sister and I and we just wanted to sneak backstage to see the group sans clothing..um
makeup...

Buzzardbilly said...

I'm glad you had a good time and didn't lose your 4, er I mean 5-year old son in the toilet paper toilet paper finale. Now you just need to worry that he's going to expect birthday presents for the early 5 y/o birthday :)

Greeneyezz said...

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Your son however, may be traumatized and in need of intensive PTSD treatment! ;)

Funny Stuff Moooog.

;)

~ZZ

Prin said...

hehe... I was kind of expecting the "again" after the "I should have taken pictures," to have a link under it. lol

Poor kid will probably be messed up from here on in. "I'm five! No, four! No... Wait.. Five?" *counts on fingers*

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I am setting you up an appointment with my psychologist! He'll be able to help you.I promise!

We have made our kids lie on free kids meal nights at restaraunts.Such terrible parents we are but we walked out of there $20 richer.So we have some smarts I suppose.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Ahhh...I'm so jealous! I got the kiddies in my life the musical instruments by Blue Man last year for Christmas and was just told they're still playing with them. I'll be taking them if they ever come to town.

Sounds like fun...if you're five!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I'm rading your porn ladies names... Anel-ina?

I'd love a side job of naming porn characters....

Divalicious said...

Perfect! No casualties or lost children at Blue Man. I'm glad you guys had fun!

Mike said...

Well, since you didn't take advantage of the free toilet paper, I'm sure Agnes did. Old ladies are frugal like that, you know?

Hungry Mother said...

I'm glad your son didn't pick the obvious age of 5.

rs27 said...

I can't wait until he turns 20 and proclaims to everyone that he's actually 21 because he's one year ahead.

Bouncers love that.

upset waitress said...

The Blue Man Group? Gawd, they look like they've been holding their breath for 20 years.

Malach the Merciless said...

WHERE'S THE TP?

random moments said...

Ahhhaha. Funny post!

So how confused is your son now?

Chickie said...

Reading about your lunch reminds me of something that happened soon after I met my stepsons. The oldest (6 at the time) had a really touchy gag reflex. If he had to eat something he didn't like - he'd puke. He vomited in his plate once and I just thought he'd dumped his milk on it to ruin his dinner and I made him eat it. Eat his own vomit. It happened 6 years ago and he still talks about it.

moooooog35 said...

Chickie:

Worst. Comment. Ever.

I've watched movies where people ate other people's poo....this...this comment...comes close to that feeling.

I need to take a shower, now.

And throw up.

Smileygirl said...

Your son rocks! Wait til he's 18 sportin' the fake ID to get into bars...

We went to see Blue Man Group years ago in Chicago. I had the flu and got called up on stage to eat a Twinkie with the scary blue men. They put some sort of apron suit over my head and after I took a bite out of the Twinkie all this vomit looking stuff came out of a tube in the apron and sprayed the first row. I was also dry heaving on the stage. They thought I was playing along. I wasn't. I was sick. Then at the end of the show this woman who got sprayed with the fake vomit (not mine) came up to me and said, "You ruined my shirt!" She was pissed and wanted me to do something about her shirt. I tried to make myself throw up on her right then and there but couldn't.

The toilet paper at the end of the show was scary and very claustrophobic feeling. As a 7 or 5 (wink wink) year old I would probably have shat myself.

Your kids are cool.

Gauche said...

wow. sounds like you guys had a blast. I got to watch the Blue Men in Vegas. It was pretty cool. I love the finales for their shows, it always interesting.

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