You Say "Thank You" Like This: | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

You Say "Thank You" Like This:

Just a quickie today.

(which is usually all I’m capable of anyway)…

My wife and I were watching TV the other night, when a diamond commercial came on.

In the commercial, soft violin music plays…

...the guy in the commercial takes out the equivalent of the Hope Diamond on a ring, and grabs his lady’s hand.

…at this point I also notice that the lady’s wrist ALSO has a diamond bracelet on it…

"..ah..," I think, "He's done this before."




He takes this giant ring and somehow manages to slip it on her finger.

In real life with a diamond that size, she would collapse and fall to the ground under the sheer weight of it…

…her hand…

...a lifeless, crushed and mutilated piece of meat...

...flattened under a mountain of super-compressed carbon…

The man rears back his head and laughs (HA HA!) and kicks the woman in the gut with his steel-toed boot...

...he takes his ring back just before he hops into a convertible with 15 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

He peels out and drives away…

...blowing sand and dust over the limp and lifeless gold digger.

(fade to black)


I really need to start making commercials.

I'd be rich.


…back to the ACTUAL commercial…

So the guy gives her this 12-karat diamond ring…on TOP of the 42-karat diamond bracelet she already has.

Her response to this gift?

Her response to this utterly expensive outpouring of emotion and cash?

She looks up at him and...

...she gives him a hug.

Mmmmm...a hug.


He gives her a ginormous diamond…

…and she HUGS him?!?

And it wasn’t even a “OH MY GOD, LOOK…A GIANT DIAMOND BOULDER!!” hug… was like a…

“ nice of you” hug.


Watching this travesty unfold, my reflexes kick in and I say:

“Oh, COME ON. If she’s getting a diamond like that, she better be dropping to her knees and giving this guy more than a hug.”


My wife looks over at me.

Oh no.

Apparently, I've said this out loud.

...sometimes speech is way overrated.

Wife: “Do you realize that I’m in the room while you’re saying this?”

Yeah...yeah I do.


I think I forgot for a second.

Me: “Well..come on. She gives him a HUG!?

Now, granted, I realize that showing her blowing this guy on a television commercial probably wouldn’t be received too well by the network censors…

…but I can guarantee it would sell more diamonds.

Me: “Seriously…if I give you a diamond like that and get just a goddamn hug, I’m gonna be pissed.”



…then… kicks in…

…my wife’s rationale on why this guy shouldn’t get a hummer:

Wife: “You don’t know the circumstance of why he gave her the ring.”

Ah...a back story!

…go on…

Wife: “Maybe she just gave him a kidney.”



A kidney.

Yeah - the guy's complete motivation in this commercial is his repayment of a donated organ.

She gave him a kidney.

A kidney.

No idea where she came up with it.

But sometimes that woman makes me laugh so hard I can’t stand it.

Like the time we were in bed and I was "crowding" her.

Mind you, we have a king size bed…and neither one of us is much taller than five feet.

This leaves a giant expanse of real estate between us…

…which is good…because neither one of us can sleep touching each other.

She’s trained me this way.

Space = good.

Touching = bad.

Anyway…one night, I happened to be crowding her on her side of the bed.

…an absolute, bedtime no-no

Out of nowhere…in the darkness…

…she says to me in an utterly flustered and frustrated tone:

“Move over, bacon!”


Move over, bacon.

…out of nowhere, an obscure Sizzlean reference.

You have to be of a certain age to appreciate it…but goddamn did I laugh.

Took me an extra half-hour to get to sleep because I couldn’t stop laughing.

Sizzlean and kidneys.

Ah, honey…

If you ever need a kidney, you can depend on me.

But I want more than a hug.


Mike said...

Woah! With organ donation there's the expectation of jewlery?

Sign me up!

If I donate a kidney and someone gives me a giant diamond ring, I can hawk it and purchase a vehicle that ISN'T a teenager!

BTW - love the hoof in mouth disease. I got a bad case of that myself

AngryMan said...

So, what prompted you to buy Jedi MacFan a diamond?

Nellioness said...

... men always want more than a hug ;)

But yes, a man who gives a ginormous diamond deserves a million "ginormous hugs there". But again, there ia always a back story...

Sizzlean and kidneys, I can't stop laughing too............ very funny

Hungry Mother said...

I make her watch "Blood Diamond" and then explain what a good guy I am and deserving of a juicy BJ for not exploiting people by buying her a diamond.

Moooooog35 said...

Hungry Mother: How very noble of you. But, unless the chick is some liberal political creepy broad, I would guess that she would take a 1-1/2 karat diamond ring over the prospect of brutalizing African workers any day.

..she may SAY that she doesn't want one..

But she does.

They all do.

Unless they're hippies.

Then they're happy with jewelry you can buy on Indian reservations...or granola or some sh*t like that.

...but you should still expect the thanks.

Anonymous said...

As sick as I am this post has me hysterical in my office right now.. litereally laughing out loud..

Maybe she just gave him a kidney.. LOL

Great freaking post.. You are a genius.

Anonymous said...

Most of the time my old man is a grouchy bastard and I'd much rather chew on some Sizzlean!

Screw the diamond give me the meat substitute!

Anonymous said...

If someone gave me a DIAMOND that size, I'd be sure to thank them appropriately.

You need to make commercials. You really would be rich.

Rahul said...

That picture of you in the bed is hilarious.

Greeneyezz said...

I can see that I'm going to have to add a seatbelt to my chair when visiting your blog.



Jill said...

Okay, I almost thought about not reading this after seeing the title but holy shit that was funny!

You and your wifey's humor remind me of me and my guy. Do you ever have such a great, just random-ass conversation that you wish you had cameras in your house so you could replay it, that it was that hilarious?

Chuck said...

"Move over bacon"...I haven't heard that in years!

Man, I totally agree with the blow job for diamonds argument. It don't matter what the back story is, a bj is the minimal response to receiving any stone over 1/4 carrot. I've even had success passing off the diamonique fakes as diamonds and still got the appropriate slobbing on my knob.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

*giggle* a kidney???

Something tells me you are still working on your calendar....

HeyJoe said...

I must be of a certain age, because I remember that commercial.

What can I say other than f*ucking brilliant post...again.

Tawnya Shields said...

Screw diamonds. I would rather get a boob job and some liposuction. Liposuction especially after all the damn Christmas cookies I ate. I have been MIA and I really need to catch up on your post. I truly missed stopping by for my daily chuckles.

Cheers to the New Year!

Buzzardbilly said...

LMMFAO. A kidney? Sizzlean? No hummers for jewelry?

Now that's a crazy mixed-up world.

Simply Curious said...

I'd blow the guy that gave me that ring, among many other pleasant surprises. Hell, I don't even need a diamond. I bet if you got her a diamond she'd let you crowd her for the evening, even if she'd rather not. Need a hug?

HeatherrrEloise said...

Psh, if I gave a guy a kidney and I got a huge diamond ring for it I would be in heaven.

What gentleman around here needs a kidney?


Tina said...

Yeah see sometimes you must separate fact from story. Facts are able to be proved. Stories are just that... stories we make up to make the facts look better.
Fact: She received a gigantic ring.
Fact: She gave a *freakin* hug.
Story: Someone received a kidney.

I'd bow down for a gigantic ring from my husband. I ain't to proud to blow. LOL

Michelle Hix said...

In real life a wife would be giving more than a hug.

TOMAS said...

A giant diamond ring was just a symbol and therefore I didn't worry for my impotency to play with the things that are the nitty-gritty on the other side of our earth. It was otherwise - my eyes have met my wife's eyes and the gratitude has brought us both into a hug. We both are gazing at the heaven now and we both wish you the Happy New Year.

Simply Curious said...

You mean commercials aren't real life? Next thing you'll be telling me Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real. Yeah. Right.

Me said...

My husband and I have watched that same commercial and I know for a fact I'd have a diamond on every finger (and toe) if it ended with a hummer.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I'd give you a bj just for how hard you make me laugh. But you're married, and I'm one of those "liberal political creepy broads", so oh well....

Unknown said...

I'm not into diamonds but I do think that a hug isn't really a sufficient thank you.

Again I say, I love your wife, she should be your guest blogger sometime...

Anonymous said...

Hi Rodney,
A ginormous diamong and payment is a hug? Something definitely wrong there!!
You've been's an easy one though :)
Happy New Year in advance :)

prin said...

That's exactly why I buy my own diamonds.

Tawnya Shields said...

Hi there,

Stopping by to wish you a safe and Happy New Year.

Take care and I will see you next year.

Best wishes for 2008 and try to stay out of trouble. :O)~

Malicious Intent said...

For God's sake. YES, anything over a 1/4 karat warrants an immediate blow job and a follow up back rub. My husband could give me card stock and he would get one. What is the big deal? Show some gratitude ladies and suck on that bacon!
And yes, I remember the commercials too. Just so you don't have her bend over to show you her gratitude and then hear her yell "Where's the beef?!?"

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

I was just wondering...what is the correct protocol when someone gives you a pearl necklace?

linda said...

I am a great believer in the reward system within a marriage.

The more I get done for me the greater the reward in store for my husband.

Happy wife, happy life.

Anonymous said...

I have a question... if giving a diamond should get you a blow job, why shouldn't giving a blow job get you a diamond? I should have LOTS OF DIAMONDS.

Greeneyezz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Greeneyezz said...


I had come across this recently and automatically thought of you and this particular post!

Call it This post's 'Counterpart' as I can't think of a more fitting comeback to yours, than this one right here, so I've linked this url to it.
I LMAO the entire time, so I hope you and your guests will enjoy it as well!

Merry Christmas! :)

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