Just a quickie today.
(which is usually all I’m capable of anyway)…
My wife and I were watching TV the other night, when a diamond commercial came on.
In the commercial, soft violin music plays…
...the guy in the commercial takes out the equivalent of the Hope Diamond on a ring, and grabs his lady’s hand.
…at this point I also notice that the lady’s wrist ALSO has a diamond bracelet on it…
"..ah..," I think, "He's done this before."
STUPID PRICK. CUT IT OUT!
YOU'RE RUINING LIFE FOR THE REST OF US!!
He takes this giant ring and somehow manages to slip it on her finger.
In real life with a diamond that size, she would collapse and fall to the ground under the sheer weight of it…
...a lifeless, crushed and mutilated piece of meat...
...flattened under a mountain of super-compressed carbon…
The man rears back his head and laughs (HA HA!) and kicks the woman in the gut with his steel-toed boot...
...he takes his ring back just before he hops into a convertible with 15 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
He peels out and drives away…
...blowing sand and dust over the limp and lifeless gold digger.
(fade to black)
I really need to start making commercials.
I'd be rich.
…back to the ACTUAL commercial…
So the guy gives her this 12-karat diamond ring…on TOP of the 42-karat diamond bracelet she already has.
Her response to this gift?
Her response to this utterly expensive outpouring of emotion and cash?
She looks up at him and...
...she gives him a hug.
A F*CKING HUG.
He gives her a ginormous diamond…
…and she HUGS him?!?
And it wasn’t even a “OH MY GOD, LOOK…A GIANT DIAMOND BOULDER!!” hug…
..it was like a…
“Oh..how nice of you” hug.
Watching this travesty unfold, my reflexes kick in and I say:
“Oh, COME ON. If she’s getting a diamond like that, she better be dropping to her knees and giving this guy more than a hug.”
My wife looks over at me.
Apparently, I've said this out loud.
...sometimes speech is way overrated.
Wife: “Do you realize that I’m in the room while you’re saying this?”
Yeah...yeah I do.
I think I forgot for a second.
Me: “Well..come on. She gives him a HUG!?”
Now, granted, I realize that showing her blowing this guy on a television commercial probably wouldn’t be received too well by the network censors…
…but I can guarantee it would sell more diamonds.
Me: “Seriously…if I give you a diamond like that and get just a goddamn hug, I’m gonna be pissed.”
CUT IT OUT WITH THE CRICKETS!!
...it kicks in…
…my wife’s rationale on why this guy shouldn’t get a hummer:
Wife: “You don’t know the circumstance of why he gave her the ring.”
Ah...a back story!
Wife: “Maybe she just gave him a kidney.”
Yeah - the guy's complete motivation in this commercial is his repayment of a donated organ.
She gave him a kidney.
No idea where she came up with it.
But sometimes that woman makes me laugh so hard I can’t stand it.
Like the time we were in bed and I was "crowding" her.
Mind you, we have a king size bed…and neither one of us is much taller than five feet.
This leaves a giant expanse of real estate between us…
…which is good…because neither one of us can sleep touching each other.
She’s trained me this way.
Space = good.
Touching = bad.
Anyway…one night, I happened to be crowding her on her side of the bed.
…an absolute, bedtime no-no…
Out of nowhere…in the darkness…
…she says to me in an utterly flustered and frustrated tone:
“Move over, bacon!”
Move over, bacon.
…out of nowhere, an obscure Sizzlean reference.
You have to be of a certain age to appreciate it…but goddamn did I laugh.
Took me an extra half-hour to get to sleep because I couldn’t stop laughing.
Sizzlean and kidneys.
If you ever need a kidney, you can depend on me.
But I want more than a hug.