I won't be posting tomorrow...as it's New Year's Day.
..not that I'll be hungover or anything, as having two kids and absolutely no stamina leads me to bed somewhere around - oh - 9:30.
I so suck.
When you're 39 years old, and have to come to grips with the fact that you can't stay up later than Dick F*cking Clark, it's depressing.
Happy New Years.
(Begin Public Service Announcement)
Oh yeah, also please don't die.
...as if I'm going to make ANY money writing this sh*t, I need readers.
(End of Public Service Announcement)
As a quick post for today, let me leave you with a few things I'm planning for in the year 2008:
1) Help OJ Simpson find the real killer
Tops on my list.
2) Watch less porn.
Not gonna happen, but thought I'd throw it out there.
3) Get my shoulder fixed.
As I sit here typing this, my left arm is fairly immobilized with pain.
...which means that it hurts only a little...as I'm a real pussy and can't tolerate much at all.
Although, if it's like this much longer, I may pull it off.
...or change Othopedists...
I haven't decided yet.
It's a toss-up at this point, really.
As I'm a righty...and whack my pee-pee with my right arm.
My left is used primarily for clapping (and, thus, turning my house lights on and off), and using my car's directional.
So if the "changing doctors" thing doesn't work out, I may just rip the f*cking thing off.
4) Answer one of my "Giant Penis" emails.
I get, like, four of these a day.
Here's the latest one:
Subject: Ge t HUGE fa st! Women like Largess Pe Ni5
Now..granted whoever sent this can't, apparently, really type very well or speak English...
...but he's right about one thing:
The Women Like Largess Penis
I can't WAIT to have a largess penis.
I wonder what it is...
...and what kind of packaging it comes in.
I got another one today:
Subject: Increase your main love muscle without tiresome exercises!
I didn't know there were exercises for this!!
...I need to sign up for this sh*t at the gym.
..wait a minute...
If they're talking about masturbation as the exercise then forget it.
...as I'm considered the Jack LaLanne of self-pleasurization.
If there was a masturbatory tri-athalon, I'd SO win.
...I wonder what the events would be:
Event #1: Fastest to Spooge
I doubt they'd call it "spooge" (this is a professional event, after all), but...
Event #2: Tossing Glue
This one's for distance.
(alternate name for this event: "Long Pump")
This one depends on how often I go between "shots" and relies on a specific amount of backpressure.
Here's where I have the advantage...
I'm like a sex camel.
I can go for weeks.
Event #3: Shot Put
A test of Accuracy.
I'm thinking this is like one of those carnival "knock the clowns down" events..
...but instead of clown faces, you have pictures of women.
...and instead of baseballs, you have...well...
Anyway...I'm going to answer one of these emails.
If for no other reason than just to find out what a largess penis is.
Have a Happy New Years, everyone.
Don't forget to send me money.
But don't do it after 9:30 p.m., I'll be sleeping...
...with my largess penis.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Labels: about me