Environmentally Unfriendly | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Environmentally Unfriendly


Everything except peanut butter and mayonnaise.

No, no…

...it’s not the list of things I will put on my Mr. Wiggly to get my dog to come over to me...

That list is ONLY peanut butter and mayonnaise.

Get your sh*t straight, people.

She's a good dog.

Good...sexy dog...

Sorry...sorry...

...went off topic...


Back to the list:

"…everything except peanut butter and mayonnaise…"

It’s what I recycle.

I'll recycle everything except peanut butter and mayo.

...I mean, hey, I have to draw the line somewhere.

You see...

...I’m not overly environmentally friendly.

My interpretation of being "environmentally friendly" means that I will usually only fart in my car or in the shower.


In the car, the subatomical poo-particles are blasted into the very fabric of the seat...trapped.

In the shower...they are weighed down in the steam or shower of water (with a hint of coconut body wash) and washed away...

...causing no further damage to the ozone.


TRUST ME...my vaporized poop WOULD damage the ozone if given a chance.

So, Al Gore, you're welcome.

On to recycling:

Hell, yeah, I recycle.


You know...

…when I feel like it…

…or when it’s convenient

…or when it’s not something that's hard to do…

Empty peanut butter jar?

F*CK. THAT.

TRASH.


Sorry, Al...

...but I’m NOT spending FIFTEEN F*CKING MINUTES trying to rinse a goddamn jar of peanut butter...

...so another manatee is alive another day...

...so it can move it's ugly fat ass while trying to dodge a f*cking boat propeller.

Hey...Manatee...

Hear that buzzy noise?

See that sharp, spinny-thing in front of you?

AVOID IT.

It's NOT seaweed...you stupid f*cksh*t.

(We need to start eating manatees)


Mayonnaise?

Same deal.

Straight to the landfill.

Unless they someday invent non-sticky oily eggs, I’m NOT recycling my mayo jar.

The glaciers aren’t going to stop receding because I neglected to recycle my Hellman’s.

I firmly believe this.

Actually, they probably WOULD stop receding if I just took a little more time to...

HEY! American Gladiators is on!


Anyway...

I’m sure other people reading this are saying:

"YOU SELFISH BASTARD!! The polar bears!! The polar bears are dying!!

I’m sorry.

Tell them to get their own mayo.



Now, I WILL do the can-and-bottle thing…

...and the newspaper magazine thing…

...because I don’t need to put effort into it.

But when you tell me that I have to put in some kind of effort into THROWING SOMETHING AWAY…then you’ve lost my attention.

I’m a dink like that.

Hey...granola boy...here's an idea:

If we could train polar bears to rinse out peanut butter and mayo jars, then it would be a win-win for both of us.

Get on it.

(sending idea to Ron Popeil so he can invent something that does this)


Come to think of it, though...

...we should start eating polar bears, too.

Dammit...

I'm gonna need some mayo.

27 comments:

AngryMan said...

You will die a horrible, horrible death as a result of this.

Elise said...

I don't recycle peanut butter jars either... for some reason I'm always convinced that I haven't run out of it.

I go on a rampage every 3 months and get rid of all the empty-with-a-tiny-bit-inside jars, and I can't be assed to wash out the peanut butter one. Its way too hard!

Anonymous said...

New perspective...
It wastes a lot of water to rinse out a container that doesnt want to be rinsed out. So, in the long run you are doing something good. An alternative suggestion would be to put the jar filled with water to the side and let it soak. Usually works pretty well for me and It doesnt demand so much work. Maybe you care, maybe you dont but I thought I would throw that out there. -J

moooooog35 said...

Angry: I figured I'd be dying a horrible death anyway...but more likely at he hands of my wife after I mutter things in my sleep about Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Elise: I'm going spotted owl hunting this weekend...care to join me?

Anonymous: Again...filling the jar...letting it sit there...rinsing it out after two days...too much work. Whereas, the trash is right UNDER my sink. I think this one's a no-brainer.

Buzzardbilly said...

Does this mean I'm supposed to stop sending my uncleaned peanut butter jars to 3rd-world countries? Mom always said they had people who would be glad to scrape that jar clean.

billymac said...

Mmmmmmm.... polar bear and manatee sandwich with peanut butter and mayo... (droool)...

Hungry Mother said...

1. Mooge dissolves peanut butter. I just heard that, that's all.

2. If all of the manatees are eaten, we can go fast in our boats in Florida again. Fucking-a!

mauniejames said...

just do the best you can..they dump them in a huge machine that cleans everything out..not to worry and dreaming about CZJ would
not be a problem for me..dreaming about the women down the street..that could get you killed

Mimzie said...

Fuck recycling! I'll be dead before it really matters anyway.

Lori said...

Recycling? Why is everything/one so "green" these days? It's sort of annoying....


Yeah, remember I am the one who is driving that bus to hell...yeah, nice to meet you

Prin said...

I can't do moldy spaggy sauce jars. I'm dying a slow horrible death too.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I recycle nothing.If birds are dumb enough to get trapped in the plastic that holds a six pack of Pepsi together then that is their own damn fault.

Once I tried to recycle a pair of my hubbies underpants only to be greeted by people dressed in biohazard suits carrying a red bag.Ungrateful assholes they were!

Diva said...

I'm with ya, pal. I don't do anything over the top. I'll separate the aluminum and paper and all that, but I'm not gonna rinse a jar or stop farting just because THEY say we need to save the environment.

Rather, they shoud learn how to capture the farts and make good use of them... a new form of energy or power a car motor with it....

HeyJoe said...

Ah....a voice of reason in a jungle of jackasses.

Like you, I recycle when it's easy for me. Hell, I'll throw the PB and Mayo jars in the recycling w/OUT rinsing them. Let some schmuck at the dept. of sanitation handle it. That's what he's paid to do. I guess. Or so I was once told.

Whatever.

justmylife said...

Just run across this and I laughed my ass off! I will be back. Thanks for the laughs

The Sports Mama said...

Ok, so I left you something at my blog. You don't have to do a damn thing with it.... :) Besides, I see you've already got one.

*sigh*

Anyway.... nice tie in with the recycled Amerian Gladiators :)

Chickie said...

Holy shit. You're supposed to wash out the stuff before putting it in the recycling bin?

Oops. My bad.

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Too much work, yes. Like the idea of soaking it for a while. I didn't know you were supposed to clean them before recycling anyway. Oops!

Two new words in my vocabulary: Toot-age and Mooge. This week alone I've used the word Mooge at least 4 times (that I can recall).

I love this blog.

upset waitress said...

All the wine bottles and beer cans go to the trash because I don't want my neighbors to know I'm a major alcoholic.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I love the toot-age and if that's causing a hole in the ozone, then I am guilty as charged.

All You Get Is Me said...

I recycle because I want there to be something for my kids and grandkids when I am gone. A few minutes of cleaning out a jar makes all the difference when a million of people do it. Being lazy is a bad excuse. It is self-centered and a bad example. Im sorry if I sound rude. I think its about time people start thinking more about what their actions mean for the people around them.

Malach the Merciless said...

You call it peanut butter, I call it spreadable poo

moooooog35 said...

All You Get is Me: Welcome to my blog. If you have not already noticed, I'm lazy, self-centered and rude.

If you're looking for happy-peppy-helpful tips, honey - you got the WRONG blog.

I want things to be there for my kids and grandkids, too...but I'm hoping that they make self-cleaning jars before it gets to that.

(see "lazy, self-centered and rude" comment above)

Smileygirl said...

I do recycle my peanut butter jar as well as mayo (the kind that comes in a squeeze tube) but I have never scraped, wiped or licked the insides of the jar or tubes. Is that completely necessary? Aren't food remnants recyclable or am I just a complete moron?

Jen said...

Dude, you are so flipping hilarious. I am going to get fired since I now need to catch up on all entries I've missed. My work productivity will be nil.

Childrens Behavior Problems said...

Very strange images,but I enjoyed. Thanks for sharing .

Big Fish Games said...

Great job,
I do appreciate you for writing an article on this topic .Many thanks for sharing this with others .

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