It's a Love/Hate Thing

I was tagged by Grottynosh to answer the following things:

1. I love to eat:
2. I hate to eat:
3. I love to go:
4. I hate to go:
5. I love it when:
6. I hate it when:
7. I love to see:
8. I hate to see:
9. I love to hear:
10. I hate to hear:


Without further ado, here we go:

#1: I Love to eat:

I Love to Eat: (real answer censored)


2: I hate to eat:

I Hate to Eat: Penises.

Actually, I've never tried one...

...but I'm going out on a limb here and assume that I really, really wouldn't like it.

(Please refrain from the "don't knock it til you try it" shpeel...just AIN'T gonna happen)

Plus...you know...not being gay and all that (see #1).


#3: I love to go:

I Love to Go: Poo.

I LOVE going poo.

If I could sit on the toilet all day squishing out little brown canoes, I'd do it.

Really...

I'd pack a lunch and make a day out of it.

Unfortunately, there's probably not much money in it, and I'd eventually have to get a job of some type.

Hey...wait a minute...

...how do they test toilet paper?


#4: I hate to go:

I Hate to Go: To church.

If I had the choices of going to church, or viewing a slide show of Renee Zellweger pictures (my second choice here), I'd honestly have to choose the slide show.


It's not that church is a BAD thing.


It's that every time I go to church it feels like I'm sitting in the back row of a meeting that's selling Girl Scout cookies.

a) I can't f*cking SEE because people STAND up and...
b) You feel like you'll burn if you don't give them money.

My daughter is a Girl Scout.

Trust me...if you don't buy her goddamn cookies when I ask you, I'll make you pay.

You cheap prick.


#5: I love it when:

I Love it When: I have more than $3 in my wallet at the end of the week.

SCORE.

This is a rare and exciting occurrence.

Much like myself getting a full erection.

Um...

..I fear I've said too much.


#6: I hate it when:

I Hate it When: I get to work and realize that I have to talk to stupid f*cksh*ts all day.

However, work IS bittersweet, as I am able to kill approximately an hour of my day going poop and, subsequently, getting paid for that time (see item #3).


#7: I love to see:

I Love to See: Porn.

'nuff said.

8. I hate to see:

I Hate to See: Gay Porn.

Not lesbian gay porn, that's different (and, actually, my preferred pornography).

I'm talking sausage-fest, moustache-on-moustache, this-reminds-me-of-soccer-camp Gay Porn.


#9: I love to hear:

I Love to Hear:

"Your wiggly is gigantic!"

...or...

"You're the best lover, ever!"

Again, as in my assumed disdain for penis-eating, I've never experienced either of the above as well...

...I'm just assuming that it's something I'd be happy to hear.

My dog just whimpers.

But if she could talk...OH YEAH.

*sigh*

My other choice in this category is:

"Would you like hash with your eggs?"

Oh yeah, baby. Sling it on.


#10: I hate to hear:

I Hate to Hear: Rachael Ray.

Whenever my wife is watching her, all I can think of is jamming a pencil in my ear to just MAKE THE SOUND STOP.

I believe the Gospel of the Lord says it best:

On the sixth day, God invented Rachael Ray.

On the seventh, he invented the "mute" button.

(can you tell that I really don't pay attention in church?)


My other choice here for sh*t I hate to listen to is:

People flossing their teeth.

This drives me ABSOLUTELY F*CKING CRAZY.

This usually only bothers me when I'm at work, going poo (again, see #3).

I'm sitting there...in the quiet...minding my own business...

...when outside of the stall...at the sink...I hear...

click-click-tick-tick-click-clock-tock-tick-tick

...it's like a huge parade of tap-dancing mice is running around on the sink.

clickety-click-tick-tock-tick-clickety-clickety-click

HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON MY GUT-WRENCHING BOWEL MOVEMENT WITH ALL THAT F*CKING CLICKING GOING ON?!?!?!?

Mother of Christ - floss at home!!!

Listen, jackass, the pad thai you had at lunchtime isn't going to rot your teeth before then, anyway. Save me the anguish.

Asshole.


Hey..."Floss-guy"...

...maybe you should eat penises.

I hear they don't get stuck in your teeth.