I was tagged by Grottynosh to answer the following things:
1. I love to eat:
2. I hate to eat:
3. I love to go:
4. I hate to go:
5. I love it when:
6. I hate it when:
7. I love to see:
8. I hate to see:
9. I love to hear:
10. I hate to hear:
Without further ado, here we go:
#1: I Love to eat:
I Love to Eat: (real answer censored)
2: I hate to eat:
I Hate to Eat: Penises.
Actually, I've never tried one...
...but I'm going out on a limb here and assume that I really, really wouldn't like it.
(Please refrain from the "don't knock it til you try it" shpeel...just AIN'T gonna happen)
Plus...you know...not being gay and all that (see #1).
#3: I love to go:
I Love to Go: Poo.
I LOVE going poo.
If I could sit on the toilet all day squishing out little brown canoes, I'd do it.
I'd pack a lunch and make a day out of it.
Unfortunately, there's probably not much money in it, and I'd eventually have to get a job of some type.
Hey...wait a minute...
...how do they test toilet paper?
#4: I hate to go:
I Hate to Go: To church.
If I had the choices of going to church, or viewing a slide show of Renee Zellweger pictures (my second choice here), I'd honestly have to choose the slide show.
It's not that church is a BAD thing.
It's that every time I go to church it feels like I'm sitting in the back row of a meeting that's selling Girl Scout cookies.
a) I can't f*cking SEE because people STAND up and...
b) You feel like you'll burn if you don't give them money.
My daughter is a Girl Scout.
Trust me...if you don't buy her goddamn cookies when I ask you, I'll make you pay.
You cheap prick.
#5: I love it when:
I Love it When: I have more than $3 in my wallet at the end of the week.
This is a rare and exciting occurrence.
Much like myself getting a full erection.
..I fear I've said too much.
#6: I hate it when:
I Hate it When: I get to work and realize that I have to talk to stupid f*cksh*ts all day.
However, work IS bittersweet, as I am able to kill approximately an hour of my day going poop and, subsequently, getting paid for that time (see item #3).
#7: I love to see:
I Love to See: Porn.
8. I hate to see:
I Hate to See: Gay Porn.
Not lesbian gay porn, that's different (and, actually, my preferred pornography).
I'm talking sausage-fest, moustache-on-moustache, this-reminds-me-of-soccer-camp Gay Porn.
#9: I love to hear:
I Love to Hear:
"Your wiggly is gigantic!"
"You're the best lover, ever!"
Again, as in my assumed disdain for penis-eating, I've never experienced either of the above as well...
...I'm just assuming that it's something I'd be happy to hear.
My dog just whimpers.
But if she could talk...OH YEAH.
My other choice in this category is:
"Would you like hash with your eggs?"
Oh yeah, baby. Sling it on.
#10: I hate to hear:
I Hate to Hear: Rachael Ray.
Whenever my wife is watching her, all I can think of is jamming a pencil in my ear to just MAKE THE SOUND STOP.
I believe the Gospel of the Lord says it best:
On the sixth day, God invented Rachael Ray.
On the seventh, he invented the "mute" button.
(can you tell that I really don't pay attention in church?)
My other choice here for sh*t I hate to listen to is:
People flossing their teeth.
This drives me ABSOLUTELY F*CKING CRAZY.
This usually only bothers me when I'm at work, going poo (again, see #3).
I'm sitting there...in the quiet...minding my own business...
...when outside of the stall...at the sink...I hear...
...it's like a huge parade of tap-dancing mice is running around on the sink.
HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON MY GUT-WRENCHING BOWEL MOVEMENT WITH ALL THAT F*CKING CLICKING GOING ON?!?!?!?
Mother of Christ - floss at home!!!
Listen, jackass, the pad thai you had at lunchtime isn't going to rot your teeth before then, anyway. Save me the anguish.
...maybe you should eat penises.
I hear they don't get stuck in your teeth.