My Presidential Candidate Makes a Goooooood Chicken | Mental Poo

Monday, January 07, 2008

My Presidential Candidate Makes a Goooooood Chicken


(WARNING: LONG, ANGRY POST TODAY...but bear with me...there are some good tips in here)

Let's get started.

I'm considering moving to Russia.

...And not just because my Red Bull and vodkas would be cheaper.

You see...

I live in New Hampshire (motto: "Have you banged a cow lately?").

...and Tuesday is the first Presidential primary here.

Yip-f*cking-pee.

This means that I'm fielding no less than four phone calls a night from brainwashed robots and horny interns working the phones for the "candidates".

I HATE this.

If you've read my "Meet Ben, My Stalker from Bangalore" post (oldie but goodie), then you'll know that my tolerance these days for being on the phone with stupid f*cksh*ts is at a bare minimum.

Lately, the "Stupid F*ckSh*ts" moniker has since been expanded to include Presidential campaign workers.

Stupid proponents of the Democratic process...

Don't they know I'm TRYING TO WATCH "SCRUBS?"



Anyway...

My mailbox is full of giant flyers from rich pricks vying for a vote they won't get.

Romney.

Hillary.

McCain.

Macy's.

...Wait...that last one's just a coupon.

I think.

Honestly, I haven't been paying much attention to the candidates so there may be a "Macys" candidate running.

..but I'm going to bet that there's no "Bed Bath and Beyond" guy going for the nomination...THAT one HAS to be a coupon.



The most exposure I've had to what these jackasses are representing is when Rudy Giuliani walked past me during the town's Christmas parade.

"Nice coat," I thought.

It swayed my vote a little.

...I mean...

...it was a REALLY nice coat.

So, these stupid fuckshit volunteers are calling my house at all hours of the night.



At first, I was cordial:

Caller: "Hi, I'm calling from the Hillary Clin..."

Me: "Not on your f*cking life."

*click*

Then, the calls kept coming...

Caller: "Hi. I'm calling on behalf of Ron Paul..."

Me: "Who the f*ck is Ron Paul?"

Caller: "well sir, Ron Paul is a candidate for..."

Me: "Never heard of him. Will he legalize brothels?"

*pause*

Caller: "...um...well..."

Me: "CHRIST! You don't even know his platform and you want me to vote for him?!"

Caller: "Well, sir, Ron Paul believes that.."

Me: "Oh, wait. Ron Paul. Okay. Sure. I know who you're talking about."

Caller: "Well sir, Ron would like your vote..."

Me: "VOTE?!? I ALREADY own his 'Miracle Chicken Rottisserie' and some 'Spray-on hair'...which doesn't f*cking WORK by the way. Maybe you can tell him THAT..."

Caller: "Sir, that's Ron Popeil."

Me: "Huh. Is HE running? I'd vote for him. That thing makes a GOOD chicken."

*click*

Jerk.



So, I got another TWO CALLS from Hillary yesterday.

...AND some people from her campaign ACTUALLY CAME TO MY HOUSE.

I think she's stalking me...

...looking for some hot, New England midget-lovin'.

The First Call:

Caller: "Hi, I'm calling from Hillary's campaign and was wondering if you'll be giving her your vote."

Me: "Yes. I'm voting for her in the category of 'Best Cankles on a Candidate.'"

I didn't say that, but now wish I had thought of it. Although, I haven't seen John McCain's cankles, so he might have the edge here.



Me: "I'm not voting for her, but my wife is."

The caller's tone now sounds like she's found her long lost vibrator and the batteries are STILL GOOD:

"EXCELLENT! Tell her that she and Bill will be appearing at..."

Me: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bill's coming, TOO?"

Caller: "Yes, sir. Bill will be there."

Me: "Is he bringing Monica? I'd go if he brought Monica. Is she coming?"

Caller (losing her vibrator tone): "No sir, Monica won't be there."

Me: "Then I'm not going. I'd go to see Monica....I'd like to see her."

Caller: "Thank you."

*click*



JESUS.

You know, for liberals, they're SO f*cking uptight.

Wife after I hang up:
"Not your best work."

Sorry.

I'll do better next time.

So I did:

Second Hillary Call:

This time...I don't say "Hello." I wait for the caller to talk to see if I recognize them.

Caller: "Hello? Hello? I'm calling from Hillary Clinton's campaign..."

Bingo.

It's at this point that I take on the accent and voice of a female from Guatemala.

I tell the guy that I LOVE Hillary...and I will vote for her at least SEVEN times on Tuesday.

I explain that I will go in...vote...come out...go back in with a different name...vote again...and do this SEVEN times.

He does not dissuade me from performing this felony on Hillary's behalf.

Caller: "She'll be at the High School on..."

I then excitedly tell him that I actually WORK at the high school, and clean the toilets there.

I then proceed to tell him about the size and messiness of a teenager's bowel movements and ask if he's ever seen one.

He hasn't.


I then tell him that they keep me locked in the bathroom at the school, so unless Hillary will be pooing, I might not get to see her.

He's not sure if she'll need to go to the bathroom.

He thanks me, and hangs up.

I LOVE DOING THIS.

I've also decided to answer the phone from now on in Spanish if:

1) I don't recognize the phone number, or..
2) There IS no phone number (i.e., phone says "Incoming Call")

So in those two circumstances, I pick up the phone and say:

"Hola!"

(I believe this means "pinto bean" in Spanish)



If it's a friend, they'll say "hola" back.

If it's not, they just go and start their shpeel.

This is where the fun starts.

Me: "Hola!"

Caller: "Hello, sir. Is Mr. Rodney (last name butchered to some ridiculous extent) available?"

Huh. Not a friend.

Me (louder): "HOLA!! HOLA!!"

Caller: "Sir, I'm calling from the local chapter of.."

Me: "Ocho."

This either means the "number eight" in Spanish, or is the clinical name for toenail fungus.



If the caller IS Spanish, or understands Spanish, or works for that company that makes the toenail fungus medication, they know I'm f*cking with them at this point.

But...sometimes they don't.

Caller: "Um...Hello? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of the..."

Me: "OCHO!! Hola? Chimichanga!"

(I have a very limited knowledge of Spanish)

*click*

Try it. It's fun.

The only problem is that I feel guilty doing this to people who realize that my last name is BLATANTLY French...

...or actual charities that really need money...or blood...or whatever...

...but I get over it.

Luckily, the jackass phone volunteers who work for the candidates usually don't realize this...

...as in order to volunteer your free time for what amounts to "Telemarketing a Millionaire"...

...you really can't be all that smart in the first place...

...and deserve to be "Ocho'd."



Take this.

Learn from it.

Use it.

Go now.

I'm heading back to my plate of delicious chicken.

Thanks, Ron Paul.

I mean, Popeil.

30 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

yet another fabulously funny post that had me laughing during a really crap day.
Thank you!

The Divine Miss M said...

Oh that has just made me giggle so hard that my colleagues think I'm a loon.

I so wish I lived in America right now just to play those games too!

Huckabee who won Iowa scares me though ... doesn't believe in evolution, woman should graciously submit to their husbands and people with AIDS should be quarantined. Scary!

Chuck said...

Yep, you got me laughing this morning with this post. Especially the part with Rodnetta Gonzalez. She's looking hot! There's something about minority women and toilets that really get me going.

moooooog35 said...

Divine: I'm with Huckabee on your first point...

...dammit...now I'm REALLY confused on who to vote for.

wolf said...

Nobody really cares what I think, since I live in Alaska (at least I tell myself that's the reason) but I can definitely use these tips. Heck, I don't really have any friends anyway, so it'll be easier.

Prin said...

"...looking for some hot, New England midget-lovin'."
Who isn't? Reer.

My game is to answer their first question in such a way that there are no possible subsequent questions.

Them: May we come over and give you an estimate on all your upholstery cleaning needs?
Me: I only have wood floors and wicker.

Easy peasy. :D

Elise said...

People promoting political leaders are like drug pushers...

Actually they're not. They're like con artists.

Actually they're not. They're like full time fucking liars!

whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest!

Malicious Intent said...

I think I have to pee now.

Kimmylyn said...

You love Srubs too!!! Oh, I heart this blog even more now!!

Anonymous said...

After Divine's comments I am making Huckabee my man. I really don't think he can go wrong with that platform.

billymac said...

laughed my ass off at this post... and I've printed the spanish how-to-deal-with-callers section and posted it by my phone for easy reference, my name will be fernando el herramienta.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh great! Now I am even more confused at who to vote for.

However,I have a hankering for some slow roasted chicken breast.

moooooog35 said...

PrePo: HA! You said "breast."

Awesome.

Actually...

..I don't think my brain is mature enough to vote.

Biscuit said...

I thought Ron Paul was the guy who sang that "I'm Too Sexy" song. I could be wrong.l

Biscuit said...

Wait, I'm thinking of RuPaul, and he didn't sing that. Come to think of it...I can't remember why he's famous.

Biscuit + Narcotics = Even Biscuitier.

It is too a word.

A Martini Always Helps said...

I'm running out of synonyms for hilarious.

"A hardy-har-har good time of casual political observations that are so casual, they could change the world.......like cream cheese on toast."
~ Martini

Evil Twin's Wife said...

LMAO. Too funny. Actually, if you want to be more authentically Spanish, they answer the phone by saying "Bueno?" I don't know why.
Here are some other handy phrases for you: puta is whore. Chinga tu madre is f*ck your mother. Chingate is f*ck off or go f*ck yourself. Of course, just going with ocho and chimichanga is excellent. Way to throw 'em off. LOL.

upset waitress said...

I'm shocked you didn't ask the lady callers for a "Filthy Sanchez" or a "Dirty Lopez".

Norm said...

Great post! The classic, of course, is to pretend that the caller uninterrupted a sexual escapade. Then get them involved with some kinky phone sex. (Clinton supporters are especially vulnerable to this ruse.)

But honestly, can you trust anyone that wants to be president?

Earric said...

Oh man, I love messing with telemarketers, I kind of wish I lived in New Hampshire now to mess with the campaign people.

Your posts always make me laugh, and this one was great!

tom said...

whenever i see an 'unknown number' or something similar on my caller id, i queue up some porn and put the phone up to the speaker. i usually have the speakerphone on, too, so i can hear any responses. it's usually a lot of confusion.

Malach the Merciless said...

I love calls like this, the Johova Witness won't even visit me anymore. I give them out JesusMan! bumper stickers

Hungry Mother said...

I wrote a pretty compelling blog post about why we shouldn't give a big shit about what Iowans think or do. I thought that New Hampshire was one of the provinces of Canada, like New Brunswick, and New Manitoba. Now, I'm getting the idea that you guys are Americans? And you're important for our upcoming Presidential election? I'm horrified!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

and i thought it was indiana that had "have you banged a cow lately" as it's motto.

thanks, you have schooled me

Maria said...

you are crazy whit your sens of humour. in the positeve way;) go posting!

The Divine Miss M said...

hehe, Huckabee is definitely the way to go isn't he?

Can you imagine, and we thought it couldn't be worse than Bush ...

Jod{i} said...

Oh My Word! Hysterical!

[Un]Censored said...

Go me, one of the last to read this. Trying to catch up, yo. Um, you wanted to be the guy on the gurney getting ass raped by the night crew of Scrubs? Cause...heh...that's what it looks like to me, :P.

I have a better idea...for those candidates :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI

Marta said...

You have horrible sense of humour! In the positive meaning;) Keep blogging!

ClevelandPoet said...

just recently my Father in Law got one of the automated calls for Newt Gingrich. He actually waited till the end for when it says to talk to a representative. He held on through that and when someone for the campaign picked up and asked how he could help him he says

"Yes, I just wanted to say Newt Gingrich is an asshole and so are you." and then he hung up. It was epic.

I hope to get the guys from Scrubs to recreate it someday.

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