The Social Retard | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 03, 2008

The Social Retard


It’s easy to scare off girls.

Just tell them an incest joke.


This is how I roll.

Red Sox tickets went on sale recently. This is HUGE news in Red Sox Nation (I live in New England)…and reminded me WHY I don’t buy them.

I can’t get any…

...they're IMPOSSIBLE to get...

...as “Red Sox Nation” is absolutely f*cking crazy...

...and all games are sold out within 10 or 20 seconds.


Plus, I can only afford "Standing Room."

Unfortunately, I can’t do “Standing Room” – as “standing room” when you’re five feet tall is equivalent to sitting on the floor.


This is why I wait for people who have tickets to invite me.

Like my buddy, Rob…

...who sponges tickets from his dad who has season seats at Fenway.


Last year, Rob invited me to a game.

I was psyched.

..this tends to piss off Mrs. Moooooog35, as she is also a devout follower of the Red Sox...

...and hates to see me happy.

I KID!! I KID!!

I'd be pissed too if she got to go to a game and I didn't.

(okay...I think I have that bullet dodged)


Love ya, hon!

Anyway…

So Rob and I get to the game.

Now, my buddy Rob is a HUGE extrovert.

He’s friendly. VERY friendly.

He has something in common with EVERYBODY.

Sample conversation:

Weird guy on street with knife:
“Hey…give me twenty bucks!”

Rob: “Whoa! Whoa!" (pointing at knife): "Hey...is that a multi-tool?”

Weird guy: “Yeah. It is. And I'm going to SLICE YOU UP WITH IT unless you give me...

Rob: “No kidding! I have a multi-tool myself. Hey…in fact, when I was homeless, I used my multi-tool to create all kinds of cool additions to my refrigerator-box house.”

Weird guy: "Really? Please explain!"
…this conversation would go on for three f*cking hours and eventually the homeless guy would buy Rob lunch.


…I have no idea how he does it.

Anyway…we’re at the game, and Rob sees someone he knows (as he knows everyone).

As such, he leaves me.

Alone.


At the game.

By myself.

For, like, 45 minutes.

Asshole.

Thanks for the invite.


During this time, I’m scanning the crowd, and watching two girls hop around from seat to seat near me.

They’re both HAMMERED.

Eventually, one of them stumbles over and takes up a seat right behind me.

Out of the blue, she taps me on the shoulder.

“Hey,” she says…”Wanna hear a joke?”

“Sure,” I say.

Here’s her joke:

***

Her: What’s better than winning the Special Olympics?

Me: I don't know. What's better than winning the Special Olympics?

Her: Not being retarded.

***

(ba dum bum)

Don't get mad at me, I didn't write the f*cking thing.

But I laughed because it was funny and I'd never heard it.

This doesn't happen often. As I usually only laugh at jokes I tell.


I decide to return the favor and tell HER a joke.

…this is where my social skills fall a wee-bit short…

Me: “Wanna hear my joke?”

Her: “Sure.”

Me: “It’s BAD. Sure you want to hear it?”

Her: “Yes. Tell it.”

(WARNING: THIS IS A DIRTY, DISGUSTING JOKE…PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK)


Here’s the joke I told her:


****

A girl comes home one Saturday afternoon, and walks into her family room where her father is watching TV.

She asks, “Dad, can I borrow the car tonight to go out?”

Her dad looks at her, and points to his pants.

“Sure,” he says, “if you blow me first.”

“DAD!!” the girl screams. She runs to her room.

A little while later, she calms down and goes to ask again.

“Dad, I really would like to borrow the car tonight,” she asks again.

“Then blow me,” he says.

She runs away…crying…into her room.

The phone rings a little while later. It’s her friend telling her that she HAS to go to this party.

Hanging up the phone, she goes back downstairs.

“Dad,” she says, “I really, really need to use the car tonight. Please?”

He looks at her, and points to his crotch.

“Then you know what to do,” he says to her.

She huffs, “Fine.”

She drops to her knees, unzips his pants, and takes out his penis.

“GOD…DAD!” she yells, waving at her nose. “Your dick smells like shit!”

He pauses a second, thinks, smacks his forehead and says:

“Oh, I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight.”

***



The joke over, I look at the girl.

*cricket*

She looks at me.

Emotionless.

*blink*

Then...

She stands up...

...and she leaves.

Not a word to me.

Not a word to anyone else.

She just...leaves.

..she moves three rows up to an empty seat…

...apparently still in shock.

I’m back alone...

...ready to scare away the next contestant.


This is the man my wife married.

I’m sure she shakes her head every day trying to figure out why.

..it’s got to be my looks.

Either that, or the way I crack incest jokes and socialize with strangers.

It's one or the other.

I'm leaning toward the jokes.

35 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

I think you would have a great laugh with my husband, he's always telling me he's secretly having an affair with my mum and then making comments like "weird how mother and daughter like the same things..."
YUK! ha ha

Elise said...

Honestly? I liked your joke way better than hers. Your joke is really sick but the punchline was good....

mauniejames said...

both jokes really stank..stunk..
whatever..I have a sense of humor but hate these..kinds of things..sorry that's just me..I still love bathroom humor..I'm stuck in third grade poo poo talk...

billymac said...

that incest joke was awesome, I'm going to use it to open up my next presentation as an ice-breaker.

Prin said...

I took the warning and skipped to the punchline. Heard that one before. :D

Very sick. lol

I love the pics in this post. Very funny. Awesome post really, minus the whole inappropriate part. ;)

clairec23 said...

Both sick jokes but I don't get why she was shocked by your joke when she had just said a pretty bad joke to a complete stranger herself...

I like your pics too, you should try and do a whole post with just pics one day :D

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I am a little bit nauseated now.

I feel so bad for your wife.That poor woman has to put up with you on a daily basis. She ever needs a break she is more than welcome to come to my house. The kids may drive her nuts but at least she is away from the likes of you.

Oh, and I highly doubt your incest jokes attracted your wife to you.

Mimzie said...

Aw, fuck her. That joke was funny.

AngryMan said...

I get sick of the whole "[INSERT TEAM NAME] Nation" bullshit. Come on, there is no nation, admit it. Stop trying to make it seem as if your attempt to escape from your rotten life for a second actually makes you part of something larger than yourself. Just accept that you are a nothing and will always be a nothing. I've gotten used to it, you will, too.

moooooog35 said...

Wow, Angry Man...

Of all the things to be sick of...you pick on sports fans.

We all know there is only one true "[Insert Team Name] Nation"...and that is, of course, Red Sox Nation.

I know you're trying to sell "Tom Waits Nation" or "I Have no recognizable Genitalia Nation"...but give it up. Red Sox Nation is the one and only.

..if you get the Genitalia Nation thing going though, let me know.

Smileygirl said...

Your joke was awesome! It's already cut and pasted from your blog in an email ready to be sent off!

I've heard the joke she told you as well and it's one of my favs though I'm probably going to hell for saying that. I LOVE sick and twisted and horrifically politically incorrect jokes.

here's one I told my Catholic school teacher in 7th grade that got me kicked out of classes for an entire afternoon...

Q: "What's black, white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?"

A: "A nun with a spear through her head."

Buzzardbilly said...

I used to post on a message board peopled with the filthy, foul, and profane (long gone that one is now...I still miss it). Some nimbob posted a thread called "the most offensive joke ever." I don't remember what his lame-assed joke was but I almost got banned from badland by responding with a more offensive joke:

Q: How do you make a little boy cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody dick off on his teddy bear.

Feeling better about the incest joke now, aren't you?

HeyJoe said...

It’s a little known fact that in the 18th century, incest jokes were not only acceptable, but the preferred form of courtship. Clearly you were simply born in the wrong era. In 1750 that joke (a true classic I might add) would have had you up to your powdered wig in pussy.

Sara Sue said...

I told that incest joke to a guy I worked with years ago. He shared it at his family's Father's Day picnic. Some people just don't understand "appropriate timing"!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Living in WV, I hear plenty of retard and incest jokes. I'm an equal opportunity bigot and laugh at all of 'em.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

My only joke:

Q- What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A- What the hell are you shaking for!? She's gonna eat me!

meleah rebeccah said...

its the JOKES.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Maybe it would have been funnier coming from Optimus Prime....?

rs27 said...

AHAHAHAHAHA. That's great. Hold on let me right this one down.

Ok, daughter, pants, car, brother, blow.

got it.

I think only men can appreciate that joke.

upset waitress said...

I'm not reading this long ass post in my drunken state. I just looked at the pics.

Monday Morning Power said...

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???? ummmmmmmmmm????
the comments to this post are not coming easy.............
That's it, I've got nothing else to say and it's not easy to shut me up. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????

cookiebitch said...

I love that joke! Why is it okay to make fun of retards and not victims of incest? I mean ... isn't this AMERICA? Can't we make fun of EVERYONE?

Earric said...

If you would have told me that joke, I wouldn't have moved away, I would have cracked up and probably bought you a drink. I guess some people just have a better sense of humor than others.

Malach the Merciless said...

I hate pink hat socks fan, the should ship them all to JONESTOWN!

random moments said...

That joke may be disgusting but its f'ng fantastic! I'm calling my boyfriend with that one right now...

Your blog is one of the few that make me laugh out loud. Glad I stumbled upon ya (or did you stumble upon me? Hmm.)

Titania Starlight said...

Dude you are so messed up but I cannot get enough of your silly ass.

Take care and try not to offend any drunk chics! :o)~

upset waitress said...

Hah I just half assed read your post and I'm drunker than I was before my previous comment. Well, I lied, I didn't read it. It's way too long for me. Anyway, I looked at the pics again at least. I love the tard winning the Special Olympics. That pic is classic. I used it on one of my sites 8 years ago. Needless to type, I got hate mail galore.. :)

Michelle Hix said...

I don’t make it a habit to solicit for people to read my blog…but my recent post is concerning a very sad death in Iraq and a very touching story (I did not write it) that I wanted to share with everyone. Stop by when you get a chance.

Mike said...

OK dood, that joke was funny.

Really funny.

And hey, if you ever want to see a game I'll take you. Canadian baseball is no longer popular, and there's usually more people working behind the concession stands than are being served.

heatherrr__eloise said...

i will agree that, though your joke was kinda disturbing, it was still funnier than hers.


and my grandma is like your friend Rob. when we would go to the mall for 'a quick return' or something it would turn into an hour trip because she would be yakking away with the lady at the counter about the weirdest things. i don't know how she can talk to so many people about ... the most random crap but she does.

that's why i stopped going out with my grandma. unless i had eaten a hearty meal, filled up a jug with some water, went potty a few times, and smoked. so i could last through her long conversations with strangers without food, the bathroom, smoking, or even resting...

kdbdallas said...

Got to say I love your blog. My wife told me I had to read it because she says we were separated at birth.
After reading your blog, I have to agree. Keep up the great work. http://www.kdbdallas.com

sxdiva said...

Moooooog,
You are one sick bastidge. I wonder if you have told this joke to your daughter's teacher yet?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

dead baby jokes can have the same effect. i have Lawyerman's 7 year old saying them. they just sound so much funnier in his high pitched kid voice.

DeusExMachina said...

I had heard both the jokes before and I can't help but say their hillarious!
Maybe I am allowed, being 18 and all, but personally I think with the right punchline no subject is untouchable! haha

I love you humour

Niro said...

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