So, yesterday I had to drop off my post-vasectomy Mooge sample.
For those playing catch-up:
Moog + spooge = Mooge.
Use it guys...I'll let you.
(We set the scene in the bedroom, already in progress):
Guy: "I'm about to MOOGE!"
Girl (confused): "..wha...what are you talking ab...?"
She never knows what hit her.
(at this time, cameras bust into the room from all doorways)
Guy: "Smile! You've been MOOGE'D!!"
(classic Moog-astic comedy at it's finest)
My Trademark is still pending on it.
(looking for enough room to tattoo "TM" on my wiggly)
So...yesterday morning, I tromped up the stairs to "create" my sample...
...the kids were downstairs getting ready for breakfast.
So...there I stood...
...in front of my TV...
Mr. Wiggly in one hand...
...empty cup in the other...
I stood there...thumbing through the many crappy Cinemax offerings.
"Saw it..saw that..seen this...saw that one..."
I settled on one...and got started...
After two minutes, I realized this movie wasn't doing it for me.
...at two minutes, I was now one minute and thirty seconds past the point when I'd usually go off.
Yeah..."Staying Power" is not my middle name.
Anyway, I decided to go for it...
(lights beam down...angels sing...
...although, actually, I don't think angels would be praising the fact that I was working my monkey pretty damn hard to an all-girl orgy)
...I figured I think of the Pay-Per-View cost as kind of like my Insurance deductible.
That's my reasoning and I'm sticking to it.
So, in typical midgetman fashion, I finished in roughly the time it took to fast forward to a decent scene...
...plus thirty seconds.
5 seconds: "Hey...they show a lot more than Cinemax on this."
15 seconds: (Try to unscrew cup with one hand)
25 seconds: "I'm GONNA MOOOOOGE!!"
Wife (downstairs): "What?"
(I realize this will take too long to explain...so I keep going...)
30 seconds: "Gahhh!"
Here's where I have a problem.
My wiggly doesn't actually BEND DOWNWARDS.
This means that to appropriately capture my Mooge, I would need to have the cup ABOVE Mr. Wiggly...
...making a fantastic heavenly display of - literally - man-made fireworks into the air...
...and into the cup...which was upside-down.
But, since the force of gravity is greater than or equal to the force of my man-glue, I figured this would create quite the mess.
This required me to bend over, try to bend my winky downward AND hold the cup...
...all without falling over and being covered in my own Mooge.
They need to give you instructions at the urologist on how best to do this.
...with sample in hand (actually, in "cup" and not in hand for a change), I put the cup in a discrete paper bag, and headed downstairs.
At this point, my seven year-old daughter comes up and grabs the bag:
Daughter: "What's this?"
As not only do I never, ever want her to see man-goo EVER IN HER LIFE...
...but I certainly wasn't prepared for her to see MINE.
How to answer?
Will she know what Mooge is? Can I get away with answering "Mooge?"
Me: "It's Moo..."
Wife: "It's something daddy has to take to the doctors."
...she stole my thunder!!
Daughter: "What is it?"
DAMMIT KID CUT IT WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!
Me: "It's Moo..."
Wife: "It's pee."
It's at this time that my mother-in-law comes in the house to watch my son for the day...
...points at the bag and says:
Mother-in-law: "What's that?"
Sometimes, God has a good sense of humor.
So, I got to the Urologist, and was standing there with my cup in it's paper bag...
...like I had packed my own lunch or something...
Billy: "I have twinkies and a jelly sandwich. What do you have?"
Me: "Hopefully, it's a cup of dead sperm."
Billy: "Trade ya."
(Billy was gay)
I was embarrassed about the paper bag.
The nurse knew what was in there.
I knew what was in there.
Who was I kidding?
Then...a guy came in behind me...
...holding a little, tiny, paper...
...Macy's gift bag...
...with the little wire handles.
Dude...at least be MANLY about the fucking thing.
Does your husband know you're here?
Sample dropped off, she gave me ANOTHER cup...and told me to call on Wednesday to find out if my little swimmers were dead in the water.
As of yet, I haven't heard back.
(I'm wondering if there was some kind of sperm coup at the lab...where my little guys broke out, sporting bandannas with the Japanese flag on them...tearing up the place with little mini goo-shooters)
But I digress...
And about the NEW cup?
Well, it was for my next sample..
..apparently, they need TWO negatives...
I don't think I can afford the Pay-per-View.
I'll have to deal with Cinemax.
Thursday, January 17, 2008