My Little Mark Spitzes | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My Little Mark Spitzes


So, yesterday I had to drop off my post-vasectomy Mooge sample.

For those playing catch-up:

Moog + spooge = Mooge.


Use it guys...I'll let you.

(We set the scene in the bedroom, already in progress):


Guy: "I'm about to MOOGE!"

Girl (confused): "..wha...what are you talking ab...?"

BLAMMO!!

She never knows what hit her.

(at this time, cameras bust into the room from all doorways)

Guy: "Smile! You've been MOOGE'D!!"

(classic Moog-astic comedy at it's finest)


Mooge.

My Trademark is still pending on it.

(looking for enough room to tattoo "TM" on my wiggly)

Anyway...

So...yesterday morning, I tromped up the stairs to "create" my sample...

...and, yes...

...the kids were downstairs getting ready for breakfast.

Creepy.


So...there I stood...

...in front of my TV...

Mr. Wiggly in one hand...

...empty cup in the other...


I stood there...thumbing through the many crappy Cinemax offerings.

"Saw it..saw that..seen this...saw that one..."

I settled on one...and got started...

HumminaHumminaHumminaHummina


Dammit.

After two minutes, I realized this movie wasn't doing it for me.

You see...

...at two minutes, I was now one minute and thirty seconds past the point when I'd usually go off.

Yeah..."Staying Power" is not my middle name.

Anyway, I decided to go for it...

PayPerView.

(lights beam down...angels sing...

...although, actually, I don't think angels would be praising the fact that I was working my monkey pretty damn hard to an all-girl orgy)



Anyway...

...I figured I think of the Pay-Per-View cost as kind of like my Insurance deductible.

That's my reasoning and I'm sticking to it.


So, in typical midgetman fashion, I finished in roughly the time it took to fast forward to a decent scene...

...plus thirty seconds.

5 seconds: "Hey...they show a lot more than Cinemax on this."

15 seconds:
(Try to unscrew cup with one hand)

25 seconds: "I'm GONNA MOOOOOGE!!"

Wife (downstairs): "What?"

(I realize this will take too long to explain...so I keep going...)


30 seconds:
"Gahhh!"

Here's where I have a problem.

My wiggly doesn't actually BEND DOWNWARDS.


This means that to appropriately capture my Mooge, I would need to have the cup ABOVE Mr. Wiggly...

...making a fantastic heavenly display of - literally - man-made fireworks into the air...

...and into the cup...which was upside-down.

But, since the force of gravity is greater than or equal to the force of my man-glue, I figured this would create quite the mess.

This required me to bend over, try to bend my winky downward AND hold the cup...

...all without falling over and being covered in my own Mooge.

Tricky.

They need to give you instructions at the urologist on how best to do this.

"Goo-Collection, 101"


Anyway...

...with sample in hand (actually, in "cup" and not in hand for a change), I put the cup in a discrete paper bag, and headed downstairs.

At this point, my seven year-old daughter comes up and grabs the bag:

Daughter: "What's this?"

NOOOOOO!!!

I'm horrified.

As not only do I never, ever want her to see man-goo EVER IN HER LIFE...

...but I certainly wasn't prepared for her to see MINE.


Me: "It's...um..."

How to answer?

Will she know what Mooge is? Can I get away with answering "Mooge?"


Me: "It's Moo..."

Wife: "It's something daddy has to take to the doctors."

...she stole my thunder!!

Daughter: "What is it?"

DAMMIT KID CUT IT WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!

Me: "It's Moo..."

Wife: "It's pee."

*phew*

Thanks, hon.

It's at this time that my mother-in-law comes in the house to watch my son for the day...

...points at the bag and says:

Mother-in-law: "What's that?"

Sometimes, God has a good sense of humor.


So, I got to the Urologist, and was standing there with my cup in it's paper bag...

...like I had packed my own lunch or something...

Billy: "I have twinkies and a jelly sandwich. What do you have?"

Me: "Hopefully, it's a cup of dead sperm."

Billy: "Trade ya."

(Billy was gay)


Anyway...

I was embarrassed about the paper bag.

The nurse knew what was in there.

I knew what was in there.

Who was I kidding?


Then...a guy came in behind me...

...holding a little, tiny, paper...

...Macy's gift bag...

...with the little wire handles.

Dude...at least be MANLY about the fucking thing.

Macy's?

Dude...

Does your husband know you're here?


Anyway...

Sample dropped off, she gave me ANOTHER cup...and told me to call on Wednesday to find out if my little swimmers were dead in the water.

Literally.

As of yet, I haven't heard back.

(I'm wondering if there was some kind of sperm coup at the lab...where my little guys broke out, sporting bandannas with the Japanese flag on them...tearing up the place with little mini goo-shooters)

But I digress...

And about the NEW cup?

Well, it was for my next sample..

..apparently, they need TWO negatives...

I don't think I can afford the Pay-per-View.

I'll have to deal with Cinemax.

22 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

Why not just use YouPorn?

Mike said...

It's very good that your child didn't grab it and think it was vanilla pudding or something and down it before you got the chance.

Do you think that would mentally scar him for life?

If you think pay-per-view to whack one out is expensive, it'll be cheap compared to the therapy your boy will need.

mauniejames said...

When hubby and I brought in his sample..I swear the nurse only pretended to be hard of hearing...the office was filled with people and she kept asking what the sample was...he is polite and soft spoken and was almost whispering sperm...finally, he said...take a look and you tell me..she smiled...

Mimzie said...

Try out xtube.com. It's all free and pretty good stuff to choose from. Don't tell anyone I told you about it though. I have a reputation of being a "lady" and I would like to keep it that way.

Buzzardbilly said...

You bought pay-per-view porn and didn't tape it?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Now see, if women had sperm and needed to drop off a sample we would have had the cup gift wrapped...screw the friggin ugly paper bag!

In order to have obtained that sample in the first place we would watch our husband do the dishes or sweep the floor.Talk about the ultimate fantasy!

I'm sweating just thinking about it.

Diva said...

Yes, a double negative is of the utmost importance. Good luck with the death of the lil swimmers!!

billymac said...

This was one hilarious post... i hope to god I don't have to go through any of it myself...

HeyJoe said...

A second sample? Your dr. is certainly thorough. I actually requested a second check several years later;

A) Just to be sure it somehow didn't reverse itself

B) To give me a guilt free excuse to spank it. Damn Catholicism.

Titania Starlight said...

I haven't been by here in a few days. I confess, I missed you.

The horror of what you have been through.


A Macy's bag? For cripes sake. Maybe he's one of those metrosexuals or his wife wears the pants and jackboots.... and whips.... and .. :o)~

rs27 said...

Why have I never heard of bopping the bishop?

Hilarity.

Prin said...

Good luck! :D Um... I don't know what else to say that's even remotely appropriate.

moooooog35 said...

Buzzardbilly: This is why you make the big bucks. Next time, I'll remember to tape it (with my luck, I'll end up using our wedding video).

UPDATE: I heard back from the nurse.

Check back tomorrow for my update.

(that's a "teaser")

Biscuit said...

Woohoo Mimzie! Thank you! Um...I mean...interesting.

Does saliva kill sperm? Just trying to help you come up with an alternative method for next time :)

AngryMan said...

Sounds like the doctor's office needs some sort of a drive thru or drop off or something. You know, the kind of thing where you can drive up wearing dark glasses, dark hat, and a dark trench coat, drop off the mooge, and run away.

Malicious Intent said...

Can we hire you for parties?

Buzzardbilly said...

Rodney, on second thoughts, with what the doctor is charging you (or your insurance) for all of this his office should have a rotating supply of porn DVDs to lend out, strictly for medical purposes of course. Hell, they could probably find some way to bill your insurance for it: post-operative flow maintenance aide?

BTW, I don't make the big bucks. The government does.

random moments said...

*snort* I'm catching up on my blog reads and I come upon your site (no pun intended) and I believe its the first post I've ever read twice. About Mooge of all things!!!

What if you brought the cup in Victoria's Secret bag? Is that manly?

nursemyra said...

you seem like a devoted and caring father :-)

why don't you use my "corset friday" posts for inspiration?

you can spend the money you save on toys for the kiddlies

Gauche said...

thanks for the smile. Damnit Moog, you have me laughing at work again. Jerk.

Kris said...

This was hilarious.

But I am left with a feeling of sadness. Someone who shall remain nameless but who is married to me and named Mark? Did not actually make it to the brown-bag stage.

He fainted at the informational "Here's what happens when you get a vasectomy" class.

And that was the end of that.

Sigh.

Plus also?

Hmmmph.

Lynn MacDonald said...

So, no more little Mark Spitzes huh? Too bad cuz that was awesome! Thank god for the illustrations or I would've had a tough time following.

I'm a fan now

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