An Open Letter to Floyd (the old guy at the gym) | Mental Poo

Monday, January 21, 2008

An Open Letter to Floyd (the old guy at the gym)


Dear Floyd,

You may not know me personally, but I know you.

You see, I'm one of the young whippersnappers who has the sheer audacity to come into the gym at the wee hour of 5:30 a.m....

I don't enjoy it either.

Old people freak me out.

...and, for some reason...

...you're ALL in my gym at this wee hour of the morning.

It's like I've stumbled upon a reunion with the cast of "Cocoon."


Just for sh*ts, I'm going to come in one day dressed as the Grim Reaper just to f*ck with you.

...good times...good times...


Now..on to why I'm in Hell:

#1) I don't enjoy the fact that when I walk into the locker room, it smells like Vick's Vapo-Rub.

What makes this worse, is that the locker room is right below the kitchen.

So it smells like Vapo-Rub and bacon.

Baco-Rub.

Nothing like a warm feeling of nausea to get you energized for your workout, Floyd.

I hate you.



#2: I don't enjoy walking through FOUR INCHES OF F*CKING BABY POWDER to get to my locker.


Seriously...are you leaking?

Do your sweat glands actually still function at age 92?

..or are you sopping up the residual pee that your Depends Undergarment failed to catch?

Great.

Now I smell pee.



#3: I don't enjoy continually hearing about your KP duty when you were in the Navy.

Sure, it was fun to listen to the first time...

...but you've said the same f*cking story to the same f*cking guy (also named Floyd) FIFTEEN F*CKING TIMES.

We get it.

You peeled potatoes on a boat.

MOVE THE F*CK ON TO ANOTHER STORY.


#4: I don't enjoy seeing your old dongle.

For the LOVE OF GOD...

...WRAP THAT GUY UP.

PLEASE.

It's HUGE.

It's disheartening.


I thought things actually shrunk when you got older.

If that's the case, based on my wiggly length and shrinkage-per-year statistics...

...I should be 114 years old.

I don't even want to imagine you in your youth. I'm guessing you were putting eyes out left and right with that thing.

...by the way...

Did you shave that thing...or did the hair just all fall out?

I mean, Floyd, it looks man-tastic.

(Looking forward to the day when manscaping becomes automatic)


#5: I don't enjoy the fact that you SIT DOWN EVERYWHERE NAKED.

You see, I'd LIKE to use that bench.

But now it has ass all over it.

Your ass.

Your OLD ass.

Your OLD, naked, wrinkly, talcum-powdered, Vapo-Rubbed, manscaped ass.

Motherf*cker....I'm running out of places to f*cking sit in here!


You see, a looooong time ago (you may have been alive and I just missed you retelling the story) Eli Whitney invented this thing called a "Cotton Gin."

This invention allowed cotton to be spun into fabric.

Eventually...this technology led to the creation of something called:

TOWELS.

Put on a f*cking TOWEL, Floyd.

I'M BEGGING YOU.

THEN you can sit your powdery flat ass down wherever you want.

...and so can I.


#6: I don't enjoy your 90-minute showers.

It's not like I'm paying for the water...don't get me wrong, here.

It's the fact that I'm in a shower room that slightly resembles the one in most prison films...

...and you were in the shower for ten minutes BEFORE I got there...

...and you're still in there ten minutes after I've left.

This is creepy, Floyd.

Man-in-shower-peeping-at-wigglies creepy.

a) Get in the shower.

b) Wash your giant dongle.

c) Don't forget to clean inside all your wrinkle flaps.

d) Get the f*ck out.

We're talking 5 minutes...TOPS.

Everything above that means that I think you're stalking out penises.

(Yeah...I'm looking...but it's just that yours is SO GODDAMN FANTASTIC for your age!)

Ahem...


Anyway...

Thanks for your cooperation, Floyd.

I'm going upstairs to have some bacon.

For some reason, I'm hungry.

31 comments:

AngryMan said...

You think Floyd is still sexually active?

Grilled Pizza said...

I knew there was a reason i avoid the gym lol

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, mental picture of Floyd molesting little Rodney at the gym, not good.

billymac said...

I dunno, baco-rub sounds frickin good to me...

Mimzie said...

Mmmmm, Baco-Rub. Yummy!

Biscuit said...

This is why, even though I work in a gym, I avoid the locker room. Geriatric girly-bits don't age as gracefully as Floyd's dongle.

Buzzardbilly said...

I've not read today's post yet (though the pics on the scroll down to the comments section have me roaring to finish this so I can read about Floyd.

I have updated my post from this morning. You, sir, have new crap for your sidebar! Don't forget, it's crap that comes with a meme, so we're expecting to see some pearls of wisdom out of this...not pearls of all-dead moooge. :)

Buzzardbilly said...

Okay, now I'm back and Floyd's manscaped aged but huge dongle frightens me. I think Floyd is walking around naked and thinking, some may be younger, but they still don't have this, with this being the monster schlongle dongle.

Prin said...

LOL! Malach has it right. I worry for your safety too. :D At least you'll be able to tell people size doesn't matter if he sucks at what he does... :D

Casdok said...

That was hilarious!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Do you happen to have Floyd's number?

I think I can handle the vapor rub odor and powder long enough to work his manhood just a bit.

Pass the bacon!

Mike said...

You forgot to mention the fact that when floyd is towelling his naked ass dry, he puts one foot up on the bench, allowing his giant man dongle to flap in the breeze.

It's not something you really want to see when you walk in to the locker room.

Ok well maybe preposterous ponderings wants to see it.

Forget it PP, i'm not taking pictures.

C.Rag said...

I'm so wet right now.

Kimmylyn said...

I don't comment as often as I should but you are hysterical.. I can't say it enough.

moooooog35 said...

You all seem to like the Baco-rub thing, so I'm adding this to my list of "How to Get Rich" things I need to do.

Floyd's dongle is also the main reason I'm the only person left that uses "soap on a rope".

God forbid I drop my Dial in there.

..although...after my defiling, I'd be able to fart in stealth ANYWHERE.

You take the good, you take the bad.

cookiebitch said...

Is it possible for you to get me Floyd's number? Well hung AND smells like Vapo-Rub. I'm wet just thinking about it.

moooooog35 said...

If you're keeping score at home, that's two...count 'em...TWO comments from women about how...um...their nether regions react to Floyd's description.

Let this be a lesson to you single guys out there:

Pork Products + Mentholated Body Gel = Babe Central.

I'm here to help, boys...here to help.

HeyJoe said...

I'm wet too, but only because I pissed myself laughing.

This is reason #2 for why I don't go to gyms. Reason #1 being that I'm a cheap, lazy sod.

Jay Cam said...

wow that was way too much naked men for me!

no if those people were women... that i could live with!
: )

Hungry Mother said...

I presented you with this award for excellence in blogging.

Malicious Intent said...

I don't think I can have sex tonight now after those horrible visuals that are now stuck in my head. Ugh, yuck, puke...gag!
Join a womens gym. They would let you come in purely for you entertainment qualities...remember, I did ask if you are available to hire for parties.

Titania Starlight said...

I love your pics! As for the age thing I feel you but..... I am forty and my husband is 51. His man-dangle is just fine and works as good as a young buck of 20. Except..... he keeps on going .. .and going.. He is not a minute man as I recall the loves of my lost youth were. I guess as you mature such things do not seem as gross. We all will have wrinkling asses soon enough.

You make life so freaking funny. I never see you ever getting "old".

Mike said...

Oh shit, I chose moooog for the award too. What the hell hungry, we got the same taste in blogs or something?

I'm such a fucking biter.

Hick said...

I'm am with you 100%. Who are these guys that think the locker room is naked hang out time? Just change and go man! I actually saw a guy at my gym naked, at the sink, shaving, with his foot up on the counter! WTF??? Great post.

Politically Blonde said...

As if going to the gym weren't bad enough, right? There should be rules dictating who can get naked in the locker room. I'm not sure how that would be determined, but it would it be worth it? Absolutely.

random moments said...

EWW.

I am witness to this on occasion, in the female locker room though. For some reason the old ladies put on their panties, pantyhose and NOTHING ELSE and then walk around like that doing God knows what. Finish dressing for chrissakes!!!!!

Maybe Floyd knows you are looking which is why he takes such long showers, to give more time? *bleh* Sorry.

Simply Curious said...

Men shrink. Their penises don't. This might be why it looks giant for the man's size. Just an observation...

Other than that, I can't wait until I'm all old saggy and wrinkled and just don't give a fuck. I think I'll walk right up to men with my giant saggy tits and bury their faces right between them.

p.s. I haven't laughed so hard at a blog post in a long fucking time. Thanks for the bacorub line. It made my evening.

dolphin said...

ROFL. OMG .. I've got tears in my eyes reading this post - from laughing so hard.

Thank you for the entertainment .. that was classic.

Dolphin

moooooog35 said...

HOLY CRAP.

How did I sidestep the whole scene of this actually going on in THE LADIES' LOCKER?!

Girls are lucky.

With my luck, though, I'd be sharing a locker with Bea Arthur.

Maude was funny.

Biscuit said...

Trust me, the ladies locker room is, like, 80% Bea Arthur.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

So you're stalking the elderly?

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