Pinch an Inch - (Gym Disaster #1) | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Pinch an Inch - (Gym Disaster #1)

Shoulder exercise + flailing penis = PAIN.

Trust me on this one.

My shoulder injury is somewhat related to the fact that I enjoy going to the gym.

I love going to the gym.

It changed me from a standard pipsqueak...


Holy sh*t.

...that was f*cking scary.


Ok... the gym changed me from a standard pipsqueak... a pipsqueak with muscles.

(the chicks DO love their muscled short guys... least, this is what I tell myself. Please, people, don't take this away from me.)


...going to the gym eventually helped f*ck up my shoulder...

...requiring me to get cortisone shots.

And I F*CKING HATE needles.

(not sure if you knew that...but I like to press the point)

Anyway...back to the gym...

When you’re just a hair over five feet tall, you’re not exactly “OH MY GOD” head turning material for the ladies.

Unless it’s like:

“Oh my God…he’s like a man…only SMALLER.”

As such, I’ve had to make up some ground by hitting the gym.

Hey…SOMETHING had to work.

When you can’t go up, go OUT.

Anyway, I’ve never really had any bad gym injury experiences except for one (that will be "Story #2").

But I’ve watched it happen to other people.

..and this…sometimes…

...can be fun to watch.

Here we go...

Story #1: Pinch an Inch

A few years ago, my buddy Rob and I were in the gym at work.


It was “shoulder” day.

One of these exercises we did was called “lateral raises.”

A lateral raise entails taking a dumbbell in each hand...

...raising them up and out to your sides...

...and then bringing them back down in front of you.

(end of personal training session - that will be $85, please)

Weight goes up.

Weight goes down.

Easy enough.

Rob was doing this with 20 pound dumbbells in each hand.

As such, Rob was kind of swinging the dumbbells up to his sides, then bringing them back down quickly.

Weight goes up.


Weight comes crashing down.


Weight goes up.


Weight comes crashing down.


You’d hear the “clank” of the iron as the weights met each other at the bottom of his movement…

...hands in front of his waist.

Yeah, you’d hear the “clank.”


...for the last time he did it.

You see…

Rob is a “commando” kind of guy.

He floats free.

No underwear.

His bits and pieces bobbling ever so happily in his sweatpants.

(On a side note, I've tried this myself but can't get my junk to stop sticking to my legs.

STUPID sticky balls! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE FREE?!?!?

So I don't try going commando anymore unless it's fishstick day in the cafeteria. wouldn't understand.)

...but I digress...

So there's Rob...doing his lateral raises...

...wiggly and berries bouncing around in there like they're listening to the BackStreet Boys...

..and…during his last rep…well…"member" happened to jump in the way of the weights.

Weights go up.


Weights come down.

As the weights came down in his hands…there was no “clank.”

Just a soft….


Yeah, guys.


Apparently, "thunk" is the sound of two dumbbells crashing into a penis…

40 pounds of force pinching a twig.

…and he dropped…

…like a ROCK.

(Right now…my male readers who are not eunichs are all crossing their legs in pain)


(string of expletives and some gurgling noises follow)

This writhing, moaning and screaming continues for a few minutes...

...while I stand there...holding my own package in a fit of "Pain by Proxy."

...finally...he manages to catch his breath...

...he opens his sweatpants to view the carnage...

...and says to me:




I don't want to look at it.

I don't want to look at ANY man's love-dangle and goo-cherries...

...let alone look at mangled ones.


...friends being friends, sometimes you have to examine each others broken penis.

(this is what I tell myself to keep from having nightmares about it) was NOT PRETTY.

A road-rashed, splintered and bleeding penis is, by my account, NOT attractive.

I don't think he's done a lateral raise since.

That poor, poor bastard.

But at least he didn’t have to get a cortisone shot in his sack.


I'd rather have the shot.


billymac said...


Najia said...

Holy shit. Laura is right. Your site is out-fucking-standingly FUNNY. Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha!!! Jeezaloo. I've been reading your site here and there and I'm addicted.

Great writing. Great story. Great comedic timing---in print no less! I love it.

Hope his wiggly feels better! Sorry about your shoulder! I hear that specialty massages from half naked Polynesian women will help with the shoulder pain. :-)

prin said...

Bleeding peen is never good. Ouch.

Anonymous said...

God help him if he was to get a cortisone shot in his sack LOL, I've had 3 in my shoulder, not that they actually did anything but it was a good show for the student docs!
I have a tag for you too, but it's up to you whether you participate.
Details here:
Have a great day,

Malach the Merciless said...

1. I always wear compression shorts when exercising
2. I do that excercise with a 50lb dumbell. WHO'S THE MAN!

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: I'll be right over to help pat you on the back.

Apparently, you can't reach it yourself with an upper body as ginormous as it is.

Your new nickname here is "Topper."

Anonymous said...

This post made me go off in a corner and cradle my penis and tell it how much I love and appreciate it and that I will never, never hurt it on purpose.

Anonymous said...

I hope you were a nice friend and kissed his boo-boo for him.

Anonymous said...

I don't even have the equipment and I am dying over here for your friend.. good lord.

Rahul said...

I'm writing this comment after getting up from falling on the floor.

Ouch, babe.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

That is hilarious. Not for your friend, however. But for me, best blog story I've read this week.

Skryker said...

Oooohhhh! Makes me feel ill and I don't even have the same parts he mangled.

I love the way this post is written. I was sure where it was going but no way on earth could I stop reading (even though it's hard to read with your eyes all squinted up in sympathy and dread). Well done!

Sara Sue said...

Sombitch! Hey ... if he looks like that in real life, I'll be happy to *nurse* him back to health. Oh ... try some powder on your balls, it'll help with the sticking.

*FYI* word verification today = podzbls

Diva said...

I have no wiggly or goo berries, however, I sat quietly and imagined for one moment that if I did actually have a wiggly and goo berries, what two 20lb. barbells would do should they crash into it.

For one split second, I truly felt sympathy pains. Dayum.

HeyJoe said...

Squirming and cradling in CA.

Moooooog35 said...

Wolf: Cradling it? Are you singing it a lullaby?

PrePo: No. No kissy the boo-boo. Midgetman doesn't swing that matter how injured his compadre.

SaraSue: I've tried putting powder there, but I end up walking around like "Pig Pen" in Charlie Brown...big cloud of powder floating around my genitalia. People know.

Nice to see that I can bring the pain.

Wear your undies, gentlemen! Wear your undies.

Mike said...




BTW - 20lbs dumbells is a lot of weight for lateral raises. I use 20 lb dumbells. After working up to them.

If he's swingin, he deserved it!



Malicious Intent said...

I don't even have a penis and I am in pain. I do have balls however. I grew them after my divorce in 99. They have served me well ever since.

Hungry Mother said...

Any man who's done lateral raises with 20 lb dumbbells is on the floor like me, holding his crotch, murmuring, "Sweet Jesus", and, of course, typing with the other hand. The gym will never be the same after reading this.

Commissioner said...

holy moly

linda said...

Well, what do you expect letting it all hang loose. Still, poor man - that really, really would have hurt. Stuff like that just don't happen in a women's gym!

Me said...

Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch OUCH!!!

Even though I knew where you were going with the *thunk*, I still managed to flinch in my chair.
And I don't even have a penis. But for a moment I imagined what the pain would be like, (even for a phantom penis.)

I hope Rob's member is feeling better and hangin' in there.

Poor, poor guy.

Buzzardbilly said...

OMG, I'm dying here. Poor Rob. Commando weightlifting, like nekkid bear wrestling, shouldn't be done for that very reason.

BTW, we had a male teacher in school who wasn't even 5 feet. He was spectacularly muscled though. Everyone still called him "Tattoo."

Just sayin...

Anonymous said...

Poor Rob. That's just nuts.

Michelle Hix said...

“Oh my God…he’s like a man…only SMALLER.” You can't be that bad!

Forrest Proper said...

Ow Ow Ow.

Poor guy- and you know he's going to be legendary at the ER for the next few years- "hey, you think that's embarrasing, remember the guy who came in after sandwiching his dick between two dumbells?"

Buzzardbilly said...

I've come back because this is THAT hilarious and I didn't tell the most important things about my old teacher, the under 5 foot spectacularly muscled Tattoo. He drove the absolute coolest car for miles around, he had a huge house, and a reputation for having read up on many bedroom skills the taller guys could only dream of; therefore, he was up to his neck in pussy. Being "a reader" can get you a long way where I come from.

Anonymous said...

Oh my word so much to say.

Laughed out loud with this “Oh my God…he’s like a man…only SMALLER.”

And commando below the southern equator at the gym is just for chicks or post-op trannies, dude.

Just as commando above the southern equator is for dudes, not chicks. The jigglies need to be contained or someone (or something) will get hurt.

AngryMan said...

Eat Right
Die Anyway

Gauche said...



I'm a woman and I still felt the pain from that one. holy shit. Was he okay?! I'm serious. Did he go to the hospital? ow. ow. ow.....ow......

Jay Ferris said...

This is the second time today you've made my manhood weep. Bravo, good sir.

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