Well, here is my inaugural incarnation of "Dear Moog"...
...where you ask, and I tell.
Kind of like "Truth or Dare," except there's no licorice or anal beads involved.
I didn't get a lot of questions.
If you're interested in my bullsh*t opinion on topics, post a comment or send me an email.
I'll be sure to feign interest.
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.
Letter #1 from Malicious Intently:
I know I would come to you seeking advise on important issues such as:
1.) Duct tape or no duct tape?
2.) Do we really need to feed our children?
3.) Is there such a thing as vibrator etiquette?
MI, thank you for breaking my advice cherry.
Let me see if I can answer these for you.
Duct tape or no duct tape?
The answer to this question actually depends on the amount of Rohipnol used to sedate your subject.
Do we really need to feed our children?
Most physicians may argue "Yes, you need to feed your children."
However, there is also the counter-point that it's best to let our children fend for themselves.
Provide them with full access to things such as knives and spears for hunting, and an open flame (or gas stove) for cooking, and you'd be pleasantly surprised at how well they may do.
Parental Safety Note: when using a gas stove, make sure that your children can SMELL the gas before they attempt lighting it. Otherwise, they may get frustrated and eat the raccoon raw (not tasty).
Is there such a thing as vibrator etiquette?
Good question, MI.
I'm a guy.
As such, I have no idea.
The only thing I would consider to be "rude vibrator behavior" is if a woman tried to stuff one of these things up my cornhole.
Other than that, feel free to go nuts.
Letter #2 from BuzzardBilly:
Which is superior for wiping: Moist cloths, Tucks, or PAPASM (paper and praying against skid marks)?
What's your position on grade school bullies?
All good questions, BB.
What's the best wiping method?
On your first question, I'm going to have to go with PAPASM.
It's not that I have anything against moist cloths or Tucks...
...it's simply that I don't want any type of fluid near my anus...
...whether I put it there intentionally or not.
It's just a place that's supposed to be dry.
...or a nun's genital area.
What's my position on grade school bullies?
If you're talking about when I was a kid, then my position on bullies was:
"running away as fast as my giant fat ass could go"
However, if you're talking about bullies bugging my own kids, I offer this:
I have no qualms about beating up a four year old kid if he's pushing my son or daughter around.
I'm pretty confident I can win that fight...
...as I have a slight height advantage and have recently watched the movie "Rocky."
..although...kids watch a lot of Japanese cartoons these days...so they'll probably go all Ju-Jitsu on my ass.
Whatever, I'll give it a shot.
I just may have to use duct tape.
That's it, folks!
Did you find this useful? Not so much?
Do I care?
Any questions, comments, ideas?
Send 'em my way!
Friday, February 08, 2008
Labels: Dear Moog