Dear Moog: | Mental Poo

Friday, February 08, 2008

Dear Moog:


Well, here is my inaugural incarnation of "Dear Moog"...

...where you ask, and I tell.

Kind of like "Truth or Dare," except there's no licorice or anal beads involved.

YET.

I didn't get a lot of questions.

If you're interested in my bullsh*t opinion on topics, post a comment or send me an email.

I'll be sure to feign interest.


Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

Letter #1 from Malicious Intently:

I know I would come to you seeking advise on important issues such as:

1.) Duct tape or no duct tape?
2.) Do we really need to feed our children?
3.) Is there such a thing as vibrator etiquette?

MI, thank you for breaking my advice cherry.

Let me see if I can answer these for you.

Duct tape or no duct tape?

The answer to this question actually depends on the amount of Rohipnol used to sedate your subject.


Do we really need to feed our children?

Most physicians may argue "Yes, you need to feed your children."

However, there is also the counter-point that it's best to let our children fend for themselves.

Provide them with full access to things such as knives and spears for hunting, and an open flame (or gas stove) for cooking, and you'd be pleasantly surprised at how well they may do.

Parental Safety Note
: when using a gas stove, make sure that your children can SMELL the gas before they attempt lighting it. Otherwise, they may get frustrated and eat the raccoon raw (not tasty).


Is there such a thing as vibrator etiquette?

Good question, MI.

I'm a guy.

As such, I have no idea.

The only thing I would consider to be "rude vibrator behavior" is if a woman tried to stuff one of these things up my cornhole.

Other than that, feel free to go nuts.


Letter #2 from BuzzardBilly:

Which is superior for wiping: Moist cloths, Tucks, or PAPASM (paper and praying against skid marks)?

What's your position on grade school bullies?

All good questions, BB.

What's the best wiping method?

On your first question, I'm going to have to go with PAPASM.

It's not that I have anything against moist cloths or Tucks...

...it's simply that I don't want any type of fluid near my anus...

...whether I put it there intentionally or not.

It's just a place that's supposed to be dry.

Like Arizona...

...or a nun's genital area.



What's my position on grade school bullies?


If you're talking about when I was a kid, then my position on bullies was:

"running away as fast as my giant fat ass could go"

However, if you're talking about bullies bugging my own kids, I offer this:

I have no qualms about beating up a four year old kid if he's pushing my son or daughter around.

I'm pretty confident I can win that fight...

...as I have a slight height advantage and have recently watched the movie "Rocky."

..although...kids watch a lot of Japanese cartoons these days...so they'll probably go all Ju-Jitsu on my ass.


Whatever, I'll give it a shot.

I just may have to use duct tape.

****************************


That's it, folks!

Did you find this useful? Not so much?

And...really...

Do I care?

Any questions, comments, ideas?

Send 'em my way!

Moog out.

****************
BDV-708412-BDV

23 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Damn, I feel so educated now. Wow....to think I have been walking around with those unanswered questions all of this time and for what?

Thank you Dr. Poo!

Casdok said...

Your a mind of useful info!!

Malach the Merciless said...

What! Baby wipes are one of man's greatest inventions!

I got a question: What is man's greatest invention?

1. Fire
2. The Wheel
3. The Circuit
4. Swiffer Wetjet
5. Baby Wipes

moooooog35 said...

MI: You're welcome.

Malach: The answer is:

#6: Scarlett Johanssen

The award goes to Mr. and Mrs. Johanssen.

Hungry Mother said...

Good start to your advice column. I think you're taking a bit of a risk not having an ABA approved disclaimer, though. I can send you one for a slight honorarium. Anyways, I'm glad to have some support on my wiping style when I argue with my wife about it.

moooooog35 said...

Thanks for the tip, HM.

I've added a disclaimer. I think it should be adequate.

meleah rebeccah said...

is that vibrator guy's ass REALLY that hairy? Or is that photo-shopped, cuz...um...ewww.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Ok you want questions you've got questions:

1.How come your parent's never put you up for adoption?
2.Why did all of the dinosaurs die?
3.Why do you touch yourself at nights?
4.Why did they take the Brady Bunch off the air?
5.Why is Robin Williams so damn hairy?
6.Does my blog make me look fat?

I have plenty more but I'll save them for my therapist.

Jack McAlbinomidget said...

Do you want wrestle an albino midget?

For money of course!

Biscuit said...

No Rohipnol or duct tape required.

Does that make me easy?

moooooog35 said...

Jack: If I had a dime for every time I've been asked that...

Biscuit: No, it doesn't make you easy. But it sure does make you popular.

Phoenix Rose said...

In regards to vibrator etiquette. I feel that I am most educated in this department since I dated a "swinger". So I am definitely the freaky sexpert! M.I. as long as your vibrator is not loud and obnoxious, go to town where ever you feel the need to do so. Vibrators should never be used on a man, unless he deserves it and in that case get the biggest
strap-on sold (no lube necessary)! Poo, how is that only your lower body looks like a monkeys ass and your upper body does not? do you wax your chest, back and underarms? or have you visited your local Monarche Med-Spa?

Phoenix Rose said...

In regards to vibrator etiquette. I feel that I am most educated in this department since I dated a "swinger". So I am definitely the freaky sexpert! M.I. as long as your vibrator is not loud and obnoxious, go to town where ever you feel the need to do so. Vibrators should never be used on a man, unless he deserves it and in that case get the biggest
strap-on sold (no lube necessary)! Poo, how is that only your lower body looks like a monkeys ass and your upper body does not? do you wax your chest, back and underarms? or have you visited your local Monarche Med-Spa?

Jack McAlbinomidget said...

So is it yes or no... are you chicken or afraid of my lack of pigment?

moooooog35 said...

Jack:

Yes. I'm a chicken who's afraid of your lack of pigment.

If you're looking for someone who's hot for midgets, go visit Tequila (on my blogroll).

Tell her you're a midget who wants to wrestle, and you're golden.

Enjoy.

Kitty said...

Liquorice and/or anal beads? I've been playing with the wrong people.

I was fascinated by that mans hirsute bum - surely he's been half-waxed? I want to know if he couldn't bear the pain for them to finish the job, or whether he is in fact half-centaur, in which case, I'd like to see the front. :-D

billymac said...

I'm fascinated by the picture of the chick who needed "the tape job"... was she stabbing that dude? And why wasn't he going ape-sh!t? He was all "yeah, so, whatever, you have a knife in my gut"... that's messed up, and please don't post any more pics of my mom passed out at our family reunions...

Diva said...

Paper, plastic or bring your own tree hugger bag to the grocery store?

What determines whether a man is a butt, boob or leg lover??

Prin said...

I love how your blog has just the right amount of words between the pictures so when I'm at work, I can hide the pics and pretend I'm reading something intellectual.

Really, I just look at the pictures.

It was educational. I learned that if I'm ever a man, I should get waxed with my pants off so the line's not so obvious. And I learned how to position my ass in a boat such that it might not get wet.

femmme said...

i like mental poo

upset waitress said...

Wow, I have the sudden urge to duct tape a hairy assed man. Great pic. NOT . I'm drunk and that STILL isn't attractive.

theoffendedblogger said...

I have questions to submit for Dear Moooooooooooooooog!!!

You shall be receiving them this week hehe. :)

Oh and I have a bigger award to fit your sidebar, too! I will send it with the questions AND I'll google a naked picture of a nun or something for your viewing pleasure.

Cuz I am nice that way. :D

AngryMan said...

I think that you infringed on Dr. Murk's copyrights and trademarks.

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