My Big Pee-Wee Adventure | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 07, 2008

My Big Pee-Wee Adventure


When did endings in movies become optional?

Rhetorical question.

Today, in "Moog's Movie Reviews," I'll be reviewing the movie "No Country for Old Men."

I wrongly assumed that this was a secondary title for the movie, "Cocoon, Part 3."

As in...

"Cocoon 3 - No Country for Old Men"

But nooooooooooooo...

(Spoiler Alert!):

Not a single f*cking UFO, magic swimming pool, OR Wilford Brimley.

What a f*cking rip-off.


Anyway...

This was the FIRST movie that I've ever seen alone.

My wife gave me permission on Sunday before the f*ckshow Superbowl (FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, HOW COULD WE LOSE TO ELI F*CKING MANNING?!?!?!) to go see a movie that she had no interest in seeing.


Anyway...

I had no idea what to expect from the experience of going to a theater alone.

However, I WILL offer this:

Going to the movies alone is like living with someone for the first time:

EVERYTHING AROUND YOU BOTHERS YOU.

The people next to me are whispering during the movie.


The guy in front of me WON'T STOP CRINKLING HIS BAG OF POPCORN.

The person behind me is chewing with his mouth open.


Mother. Of. God.

I should have waited for the video.


When I was telling this story during the Superbowl, my father-in-law simply said:

"You know, Pee-Wee Herman used to go the movies by himself, too."

Yeah, dad.

Thanks.

I went to a porno and whacked off this afternoon.

More chicken wings?

Now...

...about the movie:

I'd heard awesome things about this movie, and was pretty excited to go.

I'll sum up the movie here:

1) Best villain/bad guy of any movie I've ever seen, EVER.

This includes, but is not limited to, the bad guys in "Saw," "Terminator," "Terms of Endearment," and "Jaws."

Yeah..this guy was more bad-ass than a shark!

If this movie is worth going to see for any reason, it's the bad guy.


2) There's a lot of talking.

Although the story is really good, there's a lot of talking.

Most of this talking comes from Tommy Lee Jones.

Tommy Lee Jones puts me to sleep when he talks...

...unless he's talking to Harrison Ford in "The Fugitive."


Unfortunately, because he talks so goddamn much, I completely phased him out at about the two-hour mark...

...which led to...

3) Where's the ending of this movie?!

This is the second movie I've seen in a row where there's NO ENDING.

Cloverfield?

No f*cking ending.

..but there was a monster.

No Country for Old Men?

Also no f*cking ending.

No goddamn monster, either.


I take that back, there MIGHT be an ending.

...but I have no idea...

Here's how it went:

Tommy Lee Jones: "blah..blah..southern drawl..blah blah..dreams..blah blah..dad..blah.."

So, I'm sitting there kind of listening to him half-heartedly...

...because I'm trying to figure out at this point how this thing is going to end.

It went like this:

Me: "How the Hell is this movie going to end? Christ...he just keeps talking....Let's see...he's talking about dreams...The guy in front of me is still crinkling his goddamn bag of popcorn...Okay, the movie...let's see....he's still talking....and they pretty much wrapped up all of the...what? WHAT?!? CREDITS?!?!?"

Yeah.

Credits.

He's sitting there rattling away about God knows what...

...I go off into a trance thinking about what's coming next...

..and "what comes next" turns out to be THE F*CKING CREDITS.

Lights come on.

Movie done.

WTF?!

I was immediately disappointed and thought, "I should have seen Rambo."


I called my brother-in-law after the movie (we have similar tastes and senses of humor) to see what he thought.

He liked it A LOT.

His argument: What defines a good ending? Sometimes, things just have to be left open.

Fine. Maybe I agree with you.

I'll take back my "Rambo" thought.

But when "Veggie Tales" can wrap up their sh*t, why can't the Coen brothers?!?

From now on, I'm sticking to movies that have a cast comprised of supermarket items.

My score: 3 out of 5 Mooge splats.

18 comments:

AngryMan said...

I love going to the movies alone. It makes me forget I'm married.

Mike said...

Going to the movies alone makes you annoyed at people?

People make me annoyed at people.

Probably why I'm single.

Midleah said...

Thanks for the review; I was sitting on the fence with this one.

Did you draw that Cloverfield monster all by yourself? ;p

Casdok said...

I recenlty saw Cloverfield. It amuses me when the film ends and everyone just sits there looking at each other as they are not sure if that was the end. And yep it was!

billymac said...

i f-ing loved this movie... i did do a double-wtf-take at the end too. But that bowl-cut-wearing bad-ass is my new hero.

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks for cleaning the peanut butter off of my screen with your rating score at the end of the review. Things get a little rough around here sometimes.

The ending came for me when I got the point of the movie, "Life's a bitch and then ... ".

Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said...

Sometimes endings don't involve kissing and making up. Sometimes you just gotta truss up your broken expectations and walk away.

Best bad guy ever.

Quit watching Veggie Tales.

Kimmylyn said...

The bad guy in Terms of Endearment.. LFMAO..

MsPuddin said...

ah, welcome to America, where Pee Wee herman is a Pedophile and we cant decipher reality from non reality so our movies dont have endings...I like watching moves by myself too...

MsP

Diva said...

I'm still waiting for you to review "Shoot em Up". It has breast milk in it and alot of guns.

Malach the Merciless said...

Well, you might have "diabeetis", you got all the symptoms

Malicious Intent said...

After spending 70 bucks to take my kids to the movies. Yes, 70 f'n bucks! I swear they hold a knife to your throat when ordering popcorn....
I say screw it, rent it on DVD and buy myself something nice, like a babysitter.

Movies just are not worth going to the theatre to see anymore when they come out in three months on DVD.

Buzzardbilly said...

Bad guy in "Terms of Endearment" = Flap (Debra Winger's husband) Who the fuck names anything Flap? Sounds like he's an old saggy titty.

moooooog35 said...

Holy Crap. I had NO idea there was actually a bad guy in "Terms of Endearment," Buzzardbilly...now I'm going to have to rent it on a night when the guys come over for poker.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I watched some low budget movie last night that ended out of nowhere,I was like WTF and checked the box to see if there was another cd in it.You know a second part,but nooooooooo nothing!

brother-in-law said...

There are so many things wrong with this post! First and foremost, Tommy Lee Jones is very interesting and only vaguely resembles your testicles.
You need to see Into the Wild (and like it!!) to redeem yourself.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I am sorry to hear that you did not find the closure you needed with this movie. Sometimes, without closure, it makes it hard to move on.

Give yourself time.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

a few thoughts: the town where pewee was beating off in a movie theatre is the town i come from in fla.

another thing, if those kids were THAT hungry, why dont they eat the flies that are always buzzing around them?

Related Posts with Thumbnails