The Eggroll Whisperer | Mental Poo

Friday, February 29, 2008

The Eggroll Whisperer


WARNING: The following article may offend you if you don't think that Japanese tourists are funny.

There...I think that covers it.

***************

If you're Japanese, you cannot keep a secret.

I'm assuming this because I discovered that ASIAN TOURISTS CAN'T WHISPER.

Really.

WTF?!


I have come to this conclusion after being on several rides during my Disney vacation...

...where I was also accompanied by large hordes of Japanese tourists.

Japanese tourists apparently hunt in packs of 30.

I'm not sure why.

I'm guessing it has something to do with the mantra for "strength in numbers" after all the Godzilla incidents.


But I digress...

Some of the rides you go on in these parks are "simulation" rides.

This means that you pay $70 per person to get into the f*cking park...

...and you get in a ride that goes absolutely NOWHERE.

Really...

If I wanted to pay a lot of money to go nowhere, I'd just go back to college and major in Liberal Arts.


Anyway...

One of these rides we went on was called "Wild Arctic" at SeaWorld.

SeaWorld's motto: "Your hands WILL smell like fish."

(coincidentally, this is also the motto of my second high school girlfriend)


But I digress...

So, as we are marched into this ride, we are told to stand in rows on a lit "dot."

Simple instructions:

1) One person per dot.
2) Eight people per row.

In the row behind me, is the Japanese contingent...

...standing in a clump of 15...

...all of them standing in between the dots.


Ride Guy: "One person per dot, please."

Japanese guy:

*blink*


Japanese woman looks down the row at the Japanese guy and says:

"Ping dong waoooooooong ding ling."


Japanese guy nods...indicating that he understands.

Japanese guy then grabs four children...

...and makes them all try to stand on the same one dot.

(Ride guy shakes his head in disgust)


Ride guy: "Please move down, and stand on a lighted dot...one person per dot."

(Japanese guy dropkicks ride-guy in the throat)


Sorry..sorry...that's what happened in my head.

(which would have been WAY cool)

Since the Japanese guy is not understanding this AT ALL (nor his family), the ride guy physically grabs them and MOVES them to their respective dots.

At this point, I'm considering trading in my Honda and getting a domestic car.

Seriously...

...everyone else in the room is standing on a SINGLE F*CKING DOT...

...and you can't deduce this yourselves?!

How am I supposed to feel safe on the road when you can't figure out how to stand on a goddamn dot?!


Anyway...

The ride is a helicopter simulation.

Awesome.

I love flying SO much.

And, of course, the entire room is moving and shaking violently during the ride...

...and my head is bobbing all over the place...

...like Paris Hilton on a first date.


My head is bobbing wildly because my hands are not holding onto my armrests...

...because they're busy trying to stop my four year old son's head from disconnecting at the base of his skull.

Ah...

This vacation is truly magical.


Making this even more fun, is the constant barrage of Japanese from behind me:

Ride Narrator: "Well...it looks like we've spotted some..."

Japanese people behind me:


"SIIIING WOOOONG DING WING FLING FLANG!!"

"GAWONG NIIIING SONY GOJIRA!!"


"HITACHI SAMSUNG HYUNDAI!!!!"


Not only does the actual language sound like bullets shot from several guns simultaneously in an all-metal room (PING DING DWAAAANG!!)...

...but the volume of their talking was only slightly lower than the last Judas Priest concert I attended.

How excellent this is.


Narrator: "...now it looks like we're just coming up on some.."

"GAJOONG MITSUBISHI BILLABONG!!"

Narrator:
"..and a polar bear cub is about to..."

"CALIFORNIA ROLL!!"

"DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!!!"

Narrator:
"..and another remarkable fact is..."

"KWAAANG BWAAAAN DING!!!"


Motherf*cker.

Seriously, grasshopper...

SHUT.

THE F*CK.

UP.


Or...as an alternative:

JUST DON'T F*CKING YELL.


It's not that I desperately need to actually HEAR what's going on...

It's just that ALL I CAN HEAR IS YOU.

I'm trying to read my son's lips, as I can't hear him over the screaming Asian tourists behind me.

(I believe at one point he mouthed, "Help me," but I'll never know)

I tried to turn and give them my patented "death stare" (also applicable in movie theaters), but was prevented by two things:

1) My head wasn't higher than the top of my seat (but man, I would have given the cushion a wicked look)


2) I had several skull fractures and a small concussion from the F*CKING SHAKING OF THE RIDE.

I believe that the latter has left me slightly brain damaged.

Feet are good yellow elephants!

Anyway...

On the bright side, my son's skull did not detach from his spine.


Also, I learned this valuable lesson:

Never tell a secret to a Japanese person...

...unless it's a lie about your gigantic penis and sexual prowess in a room full of Victoria Secret models who understand Japanese.

I'd definitely pay $70 for THAT simulation ride.

26 comments:

upset waitress said...

Cubans are louder then the japs. "Oye, Oye, Meda, meda,"

Lori said...

Thanks for the warning when you started this post. Because I am definately offended by those Japanese tourists.

The Doggy Did It said...

I HATE when I poke my anus with my penis by accident!

Mike said...

I like being in a movie with japanese tourists for the same reason I like seeing action flicks with downs syndromes kids in the audience: those funny noises they make at explosions!

Also, you can make lots of money with a pick up truck in a large city. At $10.00 per head, I packed 134 Japanese tourists in the back of my Ford Ranger and drove around the C.N. Tower for 45 minutes.

After four days of this, I payed off the Ranger. Sweet.

Malach the Merciless said...

the Japanese are strange people

GO! Smell the flowers said...

LOL Moooog and LOL somemore....our garden needs the thorny comments that keeps it real - hope Florida was a blast and you've fish finger free now with more clumps of hair....

your blog is most refreshing....added you to our garden border (blogroll)

Naked jello parties all round,


Flowers.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Did you say simulation or stimulation?

I have never had the pleasure of poking my own anus with my penis.That could be in part because I don't have one.

You shouldn't complain too much about the Japanese.At least you had playmates your own size!

DiamondDigger said...

"If I wanted to pay a lot of money to go nowhere, I'd just go back to college and major in Liberal Arts."

lol...so true! Oh, wait a minute that's what I majored in...
nope, still true!

Anyways, I think you will soon be hunted down by an angry Japanese mob...so before you get turned into sushi could you put up the award I gave you!

wtf?!! You don't love me anymore?I am Mom -- I mean "Mistress Elaina" after all.

moooooog35 said...

Yeah...I hate when I poke my anus with my penis, too.

Usually, though, it's on purpose..as it requires quite a bit of stretching (thank GOD I warm up beforehand).

Diamond: Yep - I have the post ready to go for Monday.

That is, unless the Japanese mob gets me first.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i see youre working hard to win buzzardbilly's bigot of the month award. HILLARIOUS!

HeyJoe said...

PING GONG CHONG FLING POING MUTHARUCKER!

CatScratch Diva said...

Bless your heart, you poor baby!

billymac said...

great post... you made me swallow my gum... now i'm going to sue your ass.

Candy said...

I hate those rides. They are terrifying. And coupled with the fact that you never really move...well apart from the bone-crunching shaking...it's utterly ridiculous.

Great post, as always. But your word verification almost did me in:

wmbwzmxe

OK it looked harder to type all in blue, courier and wavy like that.

Prin said...

hehe, funny and totally inappropriate, as usual. :D Yey!

ettarose said...

Oh I am glad you are back and I hope you had a good time. You are a complete assbite for saying what you said about the camera toting Japanese tourist crowd.You are an assbite for making me pee in my chair! You nut!

Malicious Intent said...

I would like to place an order for 6,500 Moooog35 authentic limited edition bobbeheads please.

Hungry Mother said...

Great post. You made me remember a memorable visit to Mesa Verde with the entire city of Kyoto. I surrendered to them and did all of my ruins viewing from across the canyon, where the Japanese looked like a line of ants.

Chickie said...

I have to skip that ride. It makes me puke even without Japanese tourists.

ZOLOFT MOM said...

Ah, mooooooog. It's been much too long. How I've missed your naughty, slightly suggestive comments on my blog. Thanks for the bloggy love!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I am laughing so hard. I do the Disneyland thing and for me it's the closeness of how different cultures stand that freaks me out. I get little panicky an irrational. Anyway, to fix this, I wear a huge backpack that is filled with a couple water bottles and other heavy stuff and occasionally I'll swing it around and knock someone out. There is NO reason someone should be standing in my personal space uninvited. I am an American and entitled to a 12 inch clearance on all sides. It's in the Constitution!

Brunetta said...

You are to-o-o-o-o funny.

That was reery good!!

saki to me!

CatHerder said...

omg...i must say your blog has made it to the top of my list...i sent it to my husband as well, who laughed out loud, since he just bought one of those annoying Garmins you posted about. (i believe shortly to be returned) Your Japanese story made me laugh..we have vacationed alot in Hawaii, which is pretty much like "little Japan" we were the only english speaking people that went down on a submarine full of Japanese people.......talk about surreal...keep up the great posts..they get me through my morning!

Zoe said...

try a vacation in hawaii. i'm like a foot taller than all of them and they are showing me out of the way to get into the ladies room...completely ignoring the line. wtf?

Simply Curious said...

First off, dear God, I will never Google 'Smells Like Fish' ever again. I don't know why I got so curious, but...oh my word! Disturbing. I appreciate you posting this photo and not the first ones that popped up.

And the Japanese tourists...sigh. They take pictures. Rots and rots of pictures. Of everything. I *mean* EVERYTHING! I've arso noticed how the short ritter old Japanese, or Chinese, (I rearry don't know the difference...which probabry sounds terriber of me)women, are extremery rude. They rush past peoper, armost shoving them down. And some of them can't possibry weigh more than 70 pounds and they're rike 4'5"! They move fast as rightning, I'm terring you. Prease don't take offense.

Sorry so late, but I'm glad you're back. I always look forward to new posts on your page.

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