WARNING: The following article may offend you if you don't think that Japanese tourists are funny.
There...I think that covers it.
If you're Japanese, you cannot keep a secret.
I'm assuming this because I discovered that ASIAN TOURISTS CAN'T WHISPER.
I have come to this conclusion after being on several rides during my Disney vacation...
...where I was also accompanied by large hordes of Japanese tourists.
Japanese tourists apparently hunt in packs of 30.
I'm not sure why.
I'm guessing it has something to do with the mantra for "strength in numbers" after all the Godzilla incidents.
But I digress...
Some of the rides you go on in these parks are "simulation" rides.
This means that you pay $70 per person to get into the f*cking park...
...and you get in a ride that goes absolutely NOWHERE.
If I wanted to pay a lot of money to go nowhere, I'd just go back to college and major in Liberal Arts.
One of these rides we went on was called "Wild Arctic" at SeaWorld.
SeaWorld's motto: "Your hands WILL smell like fish."
(coincidentally, this is also the motto of my second high school girlfriend)
But I digress...
So, as we are marched into this ride, we are told to stand in rows on a lit "dot."
1) One person per dot.
2) Eight people per row.
In the row behind me, is the Japanese contingent...
...standing in a clump of 15...
...all of them standing in between the dots.
Ride Guy: "One person per dot, please."
Japanese woman looks down the row at the Japanese guy and says:
"Ping dong waoooooooong ding ling."
Japanese guy nods...indicating that he understands.
Japanese guy then grabs four children...
...and makes them all try to stand on the same one dot.
(Ride guy shakes his head in disgust)
Ride guy: "Please move down, and stand on a lighted dot...one person per dot."
(Japanese guy dropkicks ride-guy in the throat)
Sorry..sorry...that's what happened in my head.
(which would have been WAY cool)
Since the Japanese guy is not understanding this AT ALL (nor his family), the ride guy physically grabs them and MOVES them to their respective dots.
At this point, I'm considering trading in my Honda and getting a domestic car.
...everyone else in the room is standing on a SINGLE F*CKING DOT...
...and you can't deduce this yourselves?!
How am I supposed to feel safe on the road when you can't figure out how to stand on a goddamn dot?!
The ride is a helicopter simulation.
I love flying SO much.
And, of course, the entire room is moving and shaking violently during the ride...
...and my head is bobbing all over the place...
...like Paris Hilton on a first date.
My head is bobbing wildly because my hands are not holding onto my armrests...
...because they're busy trying to stop my four year old son's head from disconnecting at the base of his skull.
This vacation is truly magical.
Making this even more fun, is the constant barrage of Japanese from behind me:
Ride Narrator: "Well...it looks like we've spotted some..."
Japanese people behind me:
"SIIIING WOOOONG DING WING FLING FLANG!!"
"GAWONG NIIIING SONY GOJIRA!!"
"HITACHI SAMSUNG HYUNDAI!!!!"
Not only does the actual language sound like bullets shot from several guns simultaneously in an all-metal room (PING DING DWAAAANG!!)...
...but the volume of their talking was only slightly lower than the last Judas Priest concert I attended.
How excellent this is.
Narrator: "...now it looks like we're just coming up on some.."
"GAJOONG MITSUBISHI BILLABONG!!"
Narrator: "..and a polar bear cub is about to..."
"DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!!!"
Narrator: "..and another remarkable fact is..."
"KWAAANG BWAAAAN DING!!!"
Or...as an alternative:
JUST DON'T F*CKING YELL.
It's not that I desperately need to actually HEAR what's going on...
It's just that ALL I CAN HEAR IS YOU.
I'm trying to read my son's lips, as I can't hear him over the screaming Asian tourists behind me.
(I believe at one point he mouthed, "Help me," but I'll never know)
I tried to turn and give them my patented "death stare" (also applicable in movie theaters), but was prevented by two things:
1) My head wasn't higher than the top of my seat (but man, I would have given the cushion a wicked look)
2) I had several skull fractures and a small concussion from the F*CKING SHAKING OF THE RIDE.
I believe that the latter has left me slightly brain damaged.
Feet are good yellow elephants!
On the bright side, my son's skull did not detach from his spine.
Also, I learned this valuable lesson:
Never tell a secret to a Japanese person...
...unless it's a lie about your gigantic penis and sexual prowess in a room full of Victoria Secret models who understand Japanese.
I'd definitely pay $70 for THAT simulation ride.