Route 192 Makes a Mean Rocky Road | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Route 192 Makes a Mean Rocky Road

We could have just went to Chuck E. Cheese and saved the money.


We just got back from our week-long jaunt to Florida...

(state motto: "You WILL drive like sh*t")

...and the associated theme parks:

1) Disney
2) Universal
3) SeaWorld
4) Michael Jackson’s Anal Exploration Park

(there is a maximum height limit to this last park...luckily, I made it)

When recently asking my kids what was the best part of the trip, they said this:

Daughter: "The pool at the house."

Son: "The pirate ship."

You little sh*ts.

The pool.

The pirate ship.

Not Disney...

...not Universal...

...not feeding the dolphins...

...not becoming a trained Jedi...

...not even breakfast at f*cking Cracker Barrel...

Just the pool and a pirate ship.

When my son says, "pirate ship," he's actually referring to a ship at SeaWorld that is, in fact, a f*cking playground.

...just like at Chuck E. Cheese.

Sometimes, I just prefer animal crackers to having children.


I’ll break my experience up into a couple of blog entries…just so you’re not overwhelmed in my joy.

Here goes:

The House of Blah:

First off, let me tell you that we rented a house in Florida.

Being an architect in Florida has to be one of the easiest goddamn jobs in the planet...

(besides being the security guard at the amusement park…which has an “intelligence and eyesight optional” policy).


A house in Florida has one of three designs...

...and is either the color peach or beige.


It's like looking at a giant wall of ass.


Every house looks the same, and each house is approximately 5 feet away from the next house…

This distance includes the back yard...

...where your neighbor is gleefully sitting on your patio enjoying your oranges.

I believe this is why my house came with a free taser.


It's hard to tell the houses apart in Florida.

So much so, in fact, that one day I brought the trash to the end of the driveway...

...turned around...

...and walked back into someone else’s house.

(On a related note, the charge for “breaking and entering” in Florida only carries a fine for first offense...I also found out that the Sheriff's office takes the Discover card).

I also happened to walk out of the shower one afternoon...

...where my wife was in the same bathroom getting ready.

The door on the back of the house, that entered the bathroom (not sure why) was wide open my wife wanted to clear the steam from the room.

I was standing there, naked...staring out the back door.

Me: “Um…is that the back door to the house you have open?”

Wife: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “You realize that is open to our backyard, right?”

Wife: “Yeah?”

Me: “Do you realize that there are houses RIGHT THERE?”

Wife (squinting in the darkness at the house 15 feet away, with a fat lady in the pool staring at me):
“Oh…look at that.”

Me: “I’ll go put on a towel.”

(I hear a chorus of "boo's" echoing from the other houses).



Our house didn’t have a key – it had a combination lock on the door.

Of course, on our very first night back to the house, not ONLY do we forget to put a light on outside...

...but we also forget the f*cking combination to the lock.

This required me to park my car in the road, facing the house with the lights on high beam, and yell out random combinations of numbers.

This does not help.

Ten minutes into the adventure, it comes to me:

Me: “Wait a minute…are we even AT the right house?”

Word to Florida builders: USE A DIFFERENT F*CKING COLOR.

Thank you, jackasses.

The Garmin with Short-Term Memory Loss:

My father-in-law brought along his Garmin Navigation unit.

This came in as useful as asking a double-amputee prostitute for a hand job.

(don't do this...she'll just take your money then try to use her feet...which is satisfying, but your penis ends up smelling funnier than usual)

The very first time we used the Garmin to get somewhere, it drove us to a dead-end street and thought our destination was the dumpster sitting at the end.

Thanks, Garmin.

Knowing the location of this dumpster will be helpful when it comes time to throw you in the f*cking thing.

The second time we used it to get to a Walmart (yes, even alligators need to buy cheap clothes), it drove us to a residential development.


Father-in-law: “I don’t think there’s a Walmart in here.”

Me: “Maybe it thought we were looking for a guy named Wally Mart.”

The third time we used it to get to an ice-cream place, it proudly announced:

“Arriving at your destination.”

I was under a highway overpass at the time.

I looked for a guy selling ice cream under the bridge…

...but there was none.

Thank you, Garmin.

I didn't really want ice cream, anyway...

...and was really more in the mood for an offramp.

Now...let's see...

...where was that dumpster again?

Dont' forget to check me out at Scrivel!


CatHerder said...

OH MY GOD!!!!! Yours is the best blog i have ever read. Your posts had me laughing coffee out my nose. Finally, someone who has a sense of humor like me....i have no idea how i came across your blog, but SO glad i are TOO FUNNY!!! PS..The disney thing...youre right teens preferred renting movies and chillin rather than go on the rides...sheesh

Lori said...

See now, maybe we can book a trip to Ohio, find some body of water and a playground and tell my 7 year old that we are at Disney World! lol

Gawd you make me laugh so hard...Great way to start the day!

Elise said...

Wecome back Moog! I'm glad your back, now I have something to pee my pants for...

Yeah so the moral of this blog is Never take your children to Florida..

No its Never walk around naked in your house in Florida

No its Always mark your house with a coloured marker in Florida.

F**k it I'm satying away from that place! xx

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had. . .um, fun?

Mike said...

Don't worry. The fat lady in the pool next door was old, this is florida.

She'd get halfway across the yard to try to grab at some young mooog willy and have to stop to take her nitro before she had a heart attack.

Allowing you to get away in your pirate ship.

Also, that state trooper looks like he was about to BOOK YOU IN THE ASS!

Glad you had a good time.

billymac said...

yeah, i hope i never get arrested in FL... that pretty much doesn't look like good times.

Anonymous said...

If Adam Rodriguez was really a CSI guy in Miami, I wouldn't mind being frisked privately.

But, he's not, so I'll avoid the pokie in sunny, happy Florida.

Welcome back, Buddy!

Anonymous said...

When we lived in Florida I could always find our house.It was the one with all of the kids in the damn yard...unlike most of them which had Depends and Bengay tubes hanging out from the trash cans.

So when is your next trip to Disney?

Rahul said...

First time I went to Florida one of my friends said when you drive on the highways old people just turn around randomly.

Our first day there we're on the highway and some old person in a taurus stops in the middle of a 3 lane highway and tsarts u turning to the other side.

In conclusion, old people are no good at everything.

Biscuit said...

Geez, you're a worse Disney-pooper than me. But the naked back door incident sounds exciting.

Um...that came out wrong.

Unknown said...

I missed you too...and I don't even know ya.

Taking your kids to Disney is kinda like buying them really expensive toys, and then they play with the box for 3 hours.

Gosh I could have just spent $1.99 on a cardboard box for you little fuckers.

Damn kids.

Anonymous said...

I nearly pissed my pants on this post.. having stayed in one of those damn houses with there key coded locks..

Great freaking post... hysterical.

Candy said...

About six years ago, we used every last penny we had to take the kids to Orlando.

When we got there, we had to literally DRAG their sorry asses to Disney every day, because they only wanted to swim in the pool.

I could have taken them to the local Holiday Inn, and spared myself the agony.

Anonymous said...

I live in that exact neighborhood. Try finding your way home after happy hour. Try being a postal worker or an EMT here.

tonka_boy said...

Moooog, Thanks the the three columns. Tell us the Snow White story!

Malicious Intent said...

OMG I hate the GARMIN! My boss, bless her soul, could not find her way out of a wet paper bag. She uses a garmin to "help" her get to places, yet, she get's lost every single fucking time.

Meeting us at a business breakfast I get a call. "I'm lost...I think my Garmin made me take a wrong turn." Me: "Well, there were no turns to take, where are you?" Her: "I don't know." Me: "Ok, do you see the historic court house, we are right across the street from it on the main road." Her: "But my garmin is telling me to go the left." (Left would take her into the river, literally.) Me: "THERE IS NO LEFT!" So I stand outside with orange flags and bring her in for a landing. One day I am going to take that talking piece of tech crap and pour some super glue in it. That'll shut it up and she will never figure it out.

Want a holiday for your kids they will appreciate? Buy yourself a brand new refridgerator, give them the card board box and let them have at it. Same results, less cost, you get new fridge. All is good in the world.

Moooooog35 said...

MI: Point taken.

However, I think that putting up a warning is a bit precocious (bonus points for a 3-syllable word in the comments..even though it's probably spelled wrong).

Gonna be a LOOOOOONG time before we head back to Florida.

I've got some more stories coming...stay tuned.

...but put down your drink first.

Malach the Merciless said...

So you recommed the Garmin then. May it use Mapquest directions.

Nancy said...

New to your hilarious blog. Somehow, I think something might be wrong with me for finding your stuff so funny!

I'll be back though.


Tawnya Shields said...

You are still the best. Just to let you know I especially loved the part about the color of houses in Florida and in reference to it being seen as a wall of asses. Muwhahahahahhaha! That is the way it is in Las Vegas. I hated living in Stepfordville.

Thanks for the laughs. :o)~

Too bad you kids did not like any of the cool stuff.

I took my kid once to this really expensive la di da buffet and Vegas and he came back with a taco, jello and a piece of chocolate cake!!!! What the hell?! Damn kids.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I am so glad I haven't falled for the Disneyworld thing. I'd rather go to - well ANYWHERE else.

prin said...


I've never been to Florida. Who knew I was lucky?

btw, my ass is the one seventeenth from the left and twenty-third from the bottom. You know, the pink one.

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