The Cold Shoulder | Mental Poo

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Cold Shoulder

The bad news:

I'm going under the knife again.

The good news:

It's not my balls this time.

(my penis begins clapping)


But I digress...

Tomorrow, March 5, I will be undergoing surgery for my shoulder.

I'm not sure that my pharmacist is the right guy for the job, but he DID come in with the low bid.


My Pre-Op Testing happened this past Friday.

Pre-Op Testing includes the following fun things:

1) I get blood taken
2) I meet with a physical therapist

Interestingly, these same two things happened after my last exorcism.

DAMN YOU, GARY BUSEY!!

But I digress...

The blood-letting was odd.

As you know, I f*cking HATE needles.

As I sat down in the chair, I asked the phlebotomist (Latin for "Ricky Martin"...which is in-turn Spanish for "I Eat Penises") which arm I should give her.

Me: "Which arm do you want?"

Phlebby: "As long as it's full of blood, I don't care."

*blink*

Me: "Yeah. Um. That's pretty creepy."

She looks at me and says:

Phlebby: "I actually wanted to be a mortician. How creepy is that?"

*pause*

Me: "I want to leave now."


After draining my life fluid from me (yes, I got a free handjob), I went to see the physical therapist.

*boom*

As I sat there...I noticed that my glass of water had Doppler rings in it.

*boom*

*BOOM*

What was happening?

An earthquake?

A sonic boom?

Did Star Jones go off the Jenny Craig wagon?



Then...it appeared from the elevator:

Therapistosaurus Rex.

Mother. Of. God.

SHE WAS HUGE.

450 pounds of arm-bending, leg-raising, "do this or I'll eat you" therapeutic terror.

Awesome.


As I sat across from her, she began rattling off the shoulder exercises I would need to do post-surgery.

T-Rex: "..then you raise your arm like this..."

She raised her arm.

From underneath her short-sleeve shirt...

(Seriously? Short sleeves? It's February and 15 f*cking degrees outside)

...flops out what appears to be a giant pile of flesh-colored Jell-O.

*THWAP*

What the f*ck is THAT?!?

I'm thinking:

"OH MY GOD...IT HAS WINGS, TOO!"

Realizing that there's NO way she'd ever be able to actually fly no matter how hard she flapped those things, I relax a bit.


Then...

...she raises her other arm.

As soon as the wing flops out of her other sleeve, I look down to avert my eyes.

This is when I see that her shirt has raised itself up over her pants...

...and her stomach (all three square miles of it) has gleefully rolled out.

*flup-flup-flup*

Me: "GAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

T-Rex: "Hm?"

Me: "Nothing."


At this point, I believe I either vomited or passed out...

...because all I remember is saying:

Me: "Got it. I've done this before. Thank you. Have a nice day."

...and fleeing as fast as my tiny little legs could take me...

...with the distant rumbling of the pursuing Therapistosaurus Rex dwindling behind me.

Really.

If you're going to be telling people how to f*cking exercise, shouldn't you instill confidence that you know what the f*ck you're talking about?

The only thing I felt confident from her is that she could recommend an excellent Chinese buffet.


Anyway...

As such, I probably won't be posting that day...and maybe not the day after...

..as I'll be on painkillers.

If I DO post, it will probably look like this:

ShIRlk FRinG' SquIBry@

(translating using AltaVista's Babel Fish Translator (Percocet to English)):

F*CK, MY SHOULDER HURTS!


I'll be going under with full anesthesia, so there is a distinct possibility that I'll be violated anally.

This happened when I had my tonsils out as a child.

Dr. Mike Jackson, DMD, performed the surgery.

Why he kept calling me his "Billy Jean" is still a mystery...

...as well as why he had me lay on my stomach for the procedure.

The only side effect I've had from that operation is the strange ability to fart without making noise.

Odd...when you consider it was all about the tonsils.

Whatever.


Anyway...

I'll see you all on the other side.

I hope.

If I don't, if someone could see to it that my wife's privates are super-glued shut and that she joins a convent, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Moog out.

****************

You can also check out my other non-Blogger articles over at Scrivel too!

30 comments:

Lori said...

Oh Moooooggggg...what a rough past few monthes it's been for you. Good luck with the surgery. And I'll be glad to super glue your wife's hoohaa for ya..while I'm there, I'll glue your ass so you can't be violated...k?

Biscuit said...

Good luck!

I'm laughing at your physical therapist. I've seen so many trainers like that at the gym. It's like to a dietitian and having them rail on you for not eating your vegetables while they tuck into a Big Mac.

wolf said...

If you don't make it back, the world will always wonder: did the surgery kill him, or was it the therapist?

Good luck.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

If you don't pull through your surgery can I have your blog? :oP

I guess anytime after Wednesday wouldn't be a good time to ask you to show me how to do jumping jacks...would it?

Take care and good luck little buddy!

CatScratch Diva said...

I have all the faith in the world that not even shoulder surgery will slow you down!
Therapy might, especially if she sits on you to get your attention.

Eat a vicodin for me, pal!
xoxo Diva

Mimzie said...

Star Jones? You put Star Jones in your blog? Do you hate me? Why? WHY?!?!? Obviously we can no longer be friends. It was nice knowing you.l

moooooog35 said...

Mimzie...sorry, sorry.

I had no idea you had an aversion to Star Jones.

I will refrain from posting pix of said person in the future, and will only resort to Rosie O'Donnell or Rachel Rae when discussing people who I can't stand.

PrePo: You can have my blog if you want, but it will cost you upwards of one dollar, plus postage.

Lori said...

pppffffffftttttttt hahahhahaha at how much the blog will cost PrePo!

Hey, I got a quarter I can lend ya if you need it...

HeyJoe said...

Your pain brings me such pleasure.

Suggest you bring a spotter with you to physical therapy, you know, in case she falls on you.

Mike said...

Atilla the therapist will be so much scarier after your surgery.

I think I once had the same therapist. She bent over and I got caught under her left tit.

Luckily she was lactating at the time, and I was able to survive on her udder milk. It took rescue technicians 14 days to extract me.

GO! Smell the flowers said...

Safe surgery from all at flowers & don't end up in a meat pie!!!

leigh said...

damn moog. you are seriously twisted. me likey.
good luck with the surgery.
p.s. people on ludes should not blog.

meleah rebeccah said...

wishing you a safe surgery and a speedy recovery

Prin said...

Why's that first guy smiling? Seriously?

Good luck with the shoulder surgery. :)

Hungry Mother said...

Acupuncture is starting to look good to me. Also, you need to find a hotter therapist. How about looking at Hooters? That's where I used to hire my interns when I was a professor.

mommy2five said...

Good Luck Moog! Come back to the blog side sooooonnn! I would love to hear from the Vicodined up side of you...I don't see a problem with that...course I am all about the drunk posts at 3:00am!

Malicious Intent said...

May the force be with you young Jedi. And stay away from scrary Therapistosaurus Rex. Ya know I have to pronounce that word about a dozen times and I just cannot do it. Damn man, you stummped me!

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I had a personal trainer once ate chocolate whilst she made me do 100squats, push ups and other sweaty activities. Could not believe it. I could smell the chocolate each time she opened her mouth to bark instructions at me. Anyway, good luck with surgery. Enjoy the premed.

AngryMan said...

Best of luck, dude.

Candy said...

Rotator Cuff?

My husband is currently rehabbing from his third. Considering he only has two shoulders, that's really quite an accomplishment.

If you haven't been through this before, my only suggestions to you are:

a) Take the drugs. You will need them. Don't be a pussy.

b) Figure out now where you're going to sleep, because you won't be able to lie down flat for about six weeks. I hope you own a reclining chair.

Good luck!

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

FUUUUNNNNNY post! The last phlebotomist I went to actually had a Transilvanian accent - sounded just like Dracula...SCAREY!!!!
Hope you are on the mend & off the meds soon. But enjoy 'em while ya can. :)

rina said...

sooo many pics of jiggling woman.. muaha, s'funny xD. but shouldn't you be taking your surgery more seriously? ohnoitakethatback =X

Chickie said...

Painkillers? Every cloud has a silver lining...

The Doggy Did It said...

Um, I think I would like a demonstration of the "Penis clapping" please.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

good luck with that. i'll be praying for chuck norris that it goes well.

you know, maybe if you didnt compulsively beat off you wouldnt have these shoulder problems...

moooooog35 said...

Nice try, Tequila....but wrong arm.

However, my uniquie masturbation technique will someday require me to get a knee replacement. I'll make up a diagram.

To everyone else, yes, I survived. However, I'm completely numb (Tequila also knows this feeling), and am NOT looking forward to the nerve block wearing off.

I'll be back soon.

Thanks for the well-wishes.

Moooooog

Simply Curious said...

Glad to see you pulled through, for the most part, unscathed. OK. At least you're alive... Feel better soon Moooogs! We miss you!

Titania Starlight said...

Good luck with your surgery Moooooog.
Hope they give you some cool sh*t for your pain. Would be cool to see a post while you are totally stoned.

You are still a demented genius.

Get well soon!

CatHerder said...

Good luck dude. Make sure you can still make those hilarious posts. Thanks for this one...its keeping me on my diet

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

*ROTFL*

Keep well.

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