Enter Sandman | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Enter Sandman


Well folks, much to the chagrin of my UPS guy...

(who stood to inherit both my hot wife and life insurance policy)

...I survived my operation.

I sit here writing, having popped my first Percocet about an hour ago...

...so it will be interesting to read this later on when I'm sober.

Why do green sneakers eat leatherback turtles?!?!

Lesbians are the other white meat!!!


Sorry.



Anyway...

I'm sitting here typing away with one hand, so I'll try to make this post like me:

Awesome and short...

...with a small penis.

Usually, things I do with one hand are over in about 20 seconds...

...but not this time.


I don't recall the actual surgery, so I'll break it up into two posts:

Pre-Op and Post-Op.

The Pre-Op:

First, let's define Pre-Op:

"Pre": (from the Latin word, "Scrabble")...

...and...

"Op": (from the Greek phrase "Optimus Prime enjoys glass dildos")...

Hmm.

I guess that really doesn't help that much.


As such, I'll define it as the trip to the hospital, to the point I passed out.

Here goes...

The Trip In:

My wife took me to the hospital for the surgery. Since we had just got back from vacation, she was a bit worried about taking more time off.

Me: "You know, I can ask Rob to take me."

Wife: "Nevermind. I'll do it, puss-bag."

We're in love.


Anyway...

My wife drove there.

This single fact may have been the cause of my high blood pressure when I arrived...

...as my wife's driving style can only be described as a "Jihad on Wheels."

Seriously...CIA:

Put Osama in the passenger seat of our Honda minivan with my wife behind the wheel, and you can pretty much guarantee that he'll sh*t his burka.


The Johnny:

I was asked to take everything off - including my underwear - for this surgery.

Why I needed to be buck f*cking naked for goddman shoulder surgery is beyond me...

...but all the doctors and nurses were adamant about it...

...and after being served my fourth Momosa from my belly-dancer nurse and toga-clad Orthopedist, I kind of loosened up and agreed.

Fine, guys.

But what do I do with this lube?


The Anesthesiologist:

The first person to pop in my IV was an old freaky broad who, I believe, was actually "Vera" from the TV show, "Alice."

Apparently, it was the day off for any hot nurses.

The actual anesthesiologist swung by a bit later, and talked about giving me a nerve block.

I'll call him "Mel."


A nerve block is designed to numb/paralyze you to minimize "discomfort" after the surgery.

I heard this as, "We're going to be giving you a big f*cking needle."

In true pussy fashion, I had to ask:

Me: "Um...I'm pretty needle-phobic. Is this going to hurt?"

Mel: "Well, we'll numb the skin and inject a different needle into your neck."

I believe, at this point, I poo'd a little.

Me: "I should warn you, the last time a doctor tried to numb me, I kicked him."

He looks up at my wife.

Wife: "It's true - if you're doing his arm, he may punch you in the throat."

*pause*

Mel: "Thanks for the warning. We'll make you sleepy for that part."

Good idea, Mel.


This previous kicking-a-doctor episode happened years ago during "The Pooh Bear Incident," which involved a trash bag, my bare foot, and a broken Winnie The Pooh mug.

Different story for another time...

,,,but like I needed another reason right now to f*cking hate Disney.

The surgery:

Prior to my surgery, my doctor came in to say "hi" and mark the shoulder.

Having a smiley-face drawn on your shoulder truly inspires confidence in the patient.


He then proceeds to drop his pen while trying to shake my wife's hand.

He bends to get the pen and, upon standing, drops three more f*cking things out of his pocket.

Awesome.

I'm being operated on by Gerald Ford.

Wait...

...is he picking up a cock ring?

Me:
"Yeah...do me a favor and get those butter-fingers out of the way now."


He didn't say anything, but as he walked away I SWEAR he gave the "shocker" sign to an attending dressed as Lindsay Lohan.

I'm naked, numb, and apparently about to be violated by the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture show.

Awesome.

I'm ready, Vera...take me in!

But can I see Flo's grits first?

Thanks in advance.

16 comments:

CatScratch Diva said...

Yes! The cast of Alice. The banter in the OR must have been lovely.

Tell the story of the Pooh mug and pass the Percocet, pal!

Candy said...

For a moment, I thought maybe my husband had his own blog. Because that was an eerie representation of the surgery he had three weeks ago.

How are you feeling now? ::snort::

Nancy said...

You're probably the only one who can get me to laugh out loud, literally, while reading a blog. My dogs think I'm nuts.

Happy Healing!

Nancy

The Doggy Did It said...

Glad to hear all your junk is intact. Seriously, you have pills....give.

meleah rebeccah said...

Glad to hear!! (you are sooo funny even when medicated)

HeyJoe said...

Early to rise.
Early to bed
And in between Mooog gets reamed
by Vera and Mel.

Simply Curious said...

Maybe he kept dropping things to get a peek at your wife's legs. She was standing right in front of him, no?

For shame...

Malicious Intent said...

I wanna read what you write AFTER the Percocets kick in. ;)

Biscuit said...

Enjoy your warm fuzzy happy place.

DiamondDigger said...

LMFAO...one percocet my ass! OMG that brought friggin' tears to my eyes. Dammit I can see that in order to read your posts I must always visit bathroom first or order more depends.

Glad you made it through in one piece...probably more for my own selfish reasons but, heh...it's the thought that counts right?

Smileygirl said...

Are you sure they operated on the right (as in correct) shoulder? A hospital out here is getting nailed for continually performing surgeries on the wrong body part (those that have duplicates, like knees, tits, shoulders and such.)

Oh, and are your balls still there? Just curious.

Malach the Merciless said...

I must say, I did do an awesome job on your shoulder today, and then after the quickie with your wife, I reduced you medical payments. I am a good doctor,

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Pretty freaking funny dude! I hope it's not just the Percocet. I'll be back...you made me laugh out loud! :)

Prin said...

I miss Alice! And those "brain on drugs" commercials. That's why Lindsey and Paris and Brits are in so much trouble- they didn't get to see those commercials!

lol @ the clumsy doc too. That's reassuring.

What you don't want to hear in the OR:
"Whoops!"
"Whoops again!" *makes cringe face*

Preposterous Ponderings said...

That pre-op picture is beyond sexy!!!!

Shirley Ewe-Jest said...

I LOL'd at "Jihad on Wheels" :D

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