Dear Moog (March 14th edition) | Mental Poo

Friday, March 14, 2008

Dear Moog (March 14th edition)

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

...where readers ask their questions...

...and I bullsh*t up some stupid answers.

Seriously...what are you expecting here?


True "from the heart" answers?

If so, then it's obvious that you're a complete f*cking idiot.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Here goes:

Letter #1:

"Hey Moooooog35,

I love your stuff.

You're hot.

I'm also curious as to how you come up with your picture ideas for your blog.


(Some guy from somewhere I can't remember because I deleted his f*cking email)"."

Dear, whoever you are:

I know you didn't originally write the "you're hot" part in your email to me, but since I deleted the whole f*cking thing, I took poetic license on it.


I think you're hot, too.

But not in a gay way. That would be weird.


That's a very good question, about the pictures.

Thanks for playing.

Okay, next letter:

Just kidding!

About the pictures...

To be honest with you, my head basically looks like the front lawn of "Sanford and Son"...

Sh*t is strewn everywhere...

...lawn chairs, garden gnomes, lipstick lesbians, and - for some reason - Weird Al Yankovich.


Every idea I have translates to some weird analogy in my head...usually involving porn.

For example:

In my post, "Is there a 401(k)," I somehow veered away from my future foray into the porn industry...

...and started a paragraph about how girls don't go poo.

I'm not sure why it went this way...but it did.

This is how my mind works.

I have no control over it.


It went like this:

"As a side note, please notice that I said "Men’s Room” – not “Ladies Room” - as ladies don’t have diarrhea…since I’m convinced that they don’t poo.

..little poo fairies come and take it away in their sleep.

This is what happens.

I firmly believe this."

With this disturbing idea firmly planted in my head, I then searched the Internet for images of:

1) a girl sleeping

2) a fairy

3) a piece of poo

4) Scarlett Johannsen naked (nothing to do with the post, but while I was searching I figured, "why not?")

Oddly, prior to my creating this masterpiece, I found that one of these pictures didn't already actually exist.

Sometimes, the Internet surprises me.

Then, using my deft knowledge of computers, architecture, and every line of script in the movie, "Jaws," I pieced the images together to bring you the following work of art:

You're welcome, world.



Letter #2:

"Dear Moog.

What does mental poo actually smell like?

Your friend,


Thanks, Spazoid, for your question.

My gut tells me that Mental Poo probably smells like Teen Spirit.

However, I'm damn near 40 years old, and I can no longer remember what Teen Spirit smells like.

(my age, as well as the details of my restraining order, stop me from researching this any further)

Since I can't smell my own sh*t unless I exit and re-enter the room hours later, I'll leave it up to you all to come up with your own ideas.

Yes, folks - what do YOU think Mental Poo smells like?

Yeah, it's a cop-out, but it beats the answer of:

"Dear Spazoid:

Mental Poo smells like Richard Simmons' penis after a crazy night of Crystal-meth and Bartles-N-James wine cooler chasers in the monkey cage at the zoo."

Which, in the end, means it smells like bananas and monkey sh*t.

And yet... get more evidence of my picture-creating prowess.


Now I want a wine cooler...

...and some shiny shorts.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


DubLiMan said...

It is really difficult trying to follow your thought process (sh_t, it's impossible.) However, I see the Rorschach tests exactly the same way you do. The fact that my mind works even remotely the way yours does scares me to death.

Mike said...

Anything involving Richard Simmons scares me.

Never mind!

~B. said...

You never fail to please...hilarious!

Moooooog35 said...

Brenda: It's obvious that you've never slept with me.

I could tell you some horror stories. So could my wife.

Unknown said...

Hmm, in my mind mental poo always smelled like toe cheese, and burning carpet.

billymac said...

mental poo smells like burning. kinda like when a priest splashes me with holy water, it feels like burning.

Malach the Merciless said...

Dear Mooge,
Why do birds, suddenly appear, everytime your are near?

Anonymous said...

LOL Moooooooog!

That poncherello shot did it for us flowers.

Bordering on inspirational and refreshingly funny.


Biscuit said...

If I promised to show you my Rorschach Test, would you show me your Bartles & James? ;)

Malicious Intent said...

Must we really smell him?
I mean is that truly necessary?

Jen said...

I'm so glad you post every day!

Anonymous said...

lol i love that picture 'you're a homo'. im gonna enjoy sending that to my friend -_-

Anonymous said...

It's no wonder I think of your blog when it comes time to make a big nasty.

Phoebe Fay said...

Well, that explains where Weird Al Yankovich has been.

But now I'm picturing him in shiny shorts. This is not good.

Janice said...

Does Richard Simmons actually have a penis?

AngryMan said...

Dear Moog,

Do you have a job? Do you spend time w/your kids? The reason I'm asking is b/c if the answer to either is yes, then I'm curious as to how you find time do to so much artwork in your blogging.
I'm guessing that you sub it out to a Mexican who is willing to work for beans.
Am I right?

Zoe said...

lmao!!! i have my sons convinced that girls do not fart...ever. the first time a girl farts in front of them they will need to see a shrink.

beaverboosh said...

I don't think we have poo fairies in Norway, the job is done by poo trolls.

prin said...

Yey! lol

(up until now, my word verification was longer than my comment...)

Michelle Hix said...

Sanford and Son? ha ha

Okay, got to admit...billymac and malach the merciless are pretty funny too!

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