Disney 3D, Part Two (a.k.a., The Force Sucks Ass) | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Disney 3D, Part Two (a.k.a., The Force Sucks Ass)


Yesterday, I walked through FOUR POINTS of hatred for Disney.

Today, you get two more.

Huzzah!!

Enjoy them.

Because I sure as Hell didn't.

5) People cannot control their children.

Yet another reason to hate people.

(Like I really needed one more)

Welcome to Disney...

Where, here, we see kids being dragged around on f*cking LEASHES..

Leashes.

Really?

You couldn't find a kennel for your child?


I actually ENJOY seeing this...

As I walk past the small child being dragged by this stupid f*cking harness, I point and say loudly:

Me: "Hey kids! Look at the cute puppy!"

(my children rush to pat the child-dog...but FIRST letting it sniff their hands to make sure it's friendly)


The parent walking their child does not look amused.

This, however, makes me smile.

Hey - I've spent, like, six grand for this trip...

...let me have SOME fun at someone else's expense.


Meanwhile, all the other little sh*ts are going in and out of the lines...

...jumping around in an ADD "Ritalin-free" frenzy.

These little pukes are running around...

...rattling the ropes in the ride lines...

...climbing on other people...

...all kinds of crazy sh*t.

Meanwhile, mom or dad stands there grinning at them daftly in a Momosa-induced blitz.


Hey...mommy:

If you do NOT control your child, I will find it my God-given duty to bend down and tell them the following:

a) Santa is not real

(This only applicable to Christians. Jews can substitute Santa for "The Hannukah Aardvark," Muslims can use "Achmed, the Holy Camel," and Buddhists can use, "Yeti")

b) I am their real father

(this may be potentially true)

Seriously.

Calm them the f*ck down.

Maybe you should put them on a f*cking leash.


6) I’m a Jedi by proxy.

That last point happened at the Hollywood studio park.

Where they have a new thing called “Jedi Training Camp” there.

While my wife was with my daughter at the “High School Musical” show, I took my son over to the Jedi Training Camp.

I'm holding a bit of a grudge here because my son doesn't like High School Musical (read: not gay)...

...but, because of this, I missed out on a show with bosomy girls in cheerleader outfits.

Oh well...I can always do this myself during my Thursday "dress-up night."


Anyway....

In Jedi training, kids are picked from the audience to train as a Jedi ON STAGE and then…

…they get to fight DARTH VADER.

No sh*t.

Darth. F*cking. Vader.

Cool.


My son didn’t get picked the first time.

Dammit.

He was upset.

VERY upset.


But we sat through the whole show and watched the other kids do it.

Keep in mind, this show is TWENTY MINUTES LONG.

So, we went back for a SECOND show.

This time, my daughter came along.

Guess what?

Yeah...you guessed it.

My daughter got picked.

And you know what's coming next...

My son didn’t get picked.

Oh. No.

He was devastated…completely.


I felt horrible...

...as now I was forced to watch this show A SECOND F*CKING TIME because my daughter was in it.

Dammit.

What pissed me off even more is that my daughter got picked to do stuff during the High School Musical thing...

(luckily, taking naked pictures in a hot tub was not on the agenda for the show)

...so I tried to get her to switch with him as she was climbing on the Jedi stage.

HOWEVER, the stupid old bitch resembling Bea Arthur who was doing the “crowd control” wouldn’t let us.


I WAS PISSED.

I believe I flipped her off and mouthed "You bitch" to her in front of an audience of children.

(park security once again drops by to say, "hi")


Luckily, the stage director saw and told us to come back for another show, and my son would definitely be picked.

We went back for a third time, and sure as sh*t, he went up FIRST.

Awesome…he was PUMPED.

Me?

Not so much.

As now I had to sit through a THIRD F*CKING VIEWING of this thing...

...and could now pretty much recite everything that was said.


And, after all of this…

...I didn’t get a goddamn diploma, a certificate, or even a friggin' rim job from Darth Vader.

(I believe the Jedi "Tossed Salad" award is an option if you sit through four shows)


I’m writing Disney to bitch.

Once I finish paying off these park tickets and thirty dollar f*cking rain ponchos…

…cuz right now, even a stamp is out of my budget.

Now...

Where's that f*cking rat poison?

20 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Try taking 3 percocets at a time, it may just wipe out all memory of your trip and end your suffering. You poor bastard.

Mike said...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE CHAUNUKA AARDVARK ISN'T REAL!

You've crushed my 30 year old soul!

Waaa!

~Brenda said...

Are you always this funny? Do you always post daily? Am I going to get hooked on a daily dose of this and then...you'll pull the plug, or what? :D

Crackin' up here.

The Doggy Did It said...

Ugh, my pet peeve is people that cannot control children. Or chose not to. I say you should not have children if you are not prepared to beat them in front of a large group of Japanese tourists.

Mimzie said...

Too funny!

moooooog35 said...

MI: Been there, done that. In fact, I'm on 5 Percocets right now. BLUE PIGEONS....EVERYWHERE!!!

Mike: I'm so sorry. I thought you knew. Oh well, you always have the "Rosh HaShanah Rabbit"

Brenda: Yes, I'm always this funny. Except when I'm shaving my balls...then I'm nothing but business.

DDI: Yes - you should have to control your kids. This is why mine get my extra Percocets.

Mimzie: Grassy-ass (that's Spanish for "thank you")

meleah rebeccah said...

I am pro children on leashes. Especially in public places.



Too funny!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

A friend of mine already prepped me for WDW by telling me to buy 5 ponchos at home and take 'em with us. 4 ponchos for the people in our party and one to protect camera equipment on water rides.She also said they make a fine place to plant your butt during the parades. ;-)

rs27 said...

Achmed the Holy Camel would be irate if you pulled a stunt like that.

The Divine Miss M said...

What would you have done if the child=dog had bit your children?

Thoroughly irresponsible of you to allow them to pet unknown pets.

I am disappointed in you.

Casdok said...

Loved this post!!

catscratch said...

Disney is punishment for being mean and awful to our parents when we were young.

A Martini Always Helps said...

Don't you think leashes are better than kids running into your legs and spilling an Icee on your shoe? I would strap my kids to leashes just so I could use my free hands to hold my glass of wine.

HeyJoe said...

mmmmm, more jedi tossed salad..with extra moooooge please.

It's not for me, it's for my friend.

Deb said...

Once I asked a mom with a leash if her kid was full-bred or just a loveable mutt. She bitch-scowled. I told her to remember to clean up his poopy as she walks.

You are an awesome dad. You can show your kid this some day and rake in the praise.

Note: delete the tossed salad recipe first.

Malach the Merciless said...

So I assume both children are dead at the hands of the Sith Lord?

Biscuit said...

*shudder* I have the most horrible mental image of my first husband now.

Saoirse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Simply Curious said...

I actually sold a shit load of prints of one naked Vanessa Hudgens on Ebay and made a pretty penny.

Is there a place for Darth's tongue to stick out?

Prin said...

lol @ the pirates pic. :D That's what most grocery stores look like too...

Your poor son. You should have sent him in with your hot wife. Darth would have picked him for sure in hopes of being able to show her his light saber afterwards...

Related Posts with Thumbnails